No Meltdowns...Period?!

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Okay, my mom thinks that iti s possible (through listening to her wonderful Joel Osteen) that it is possible to just not let something get to you and just let it roll off of your back. It is possible, but you can't just turn off your stresses like that and say "It's not going to bother me," especially when either a) You have an overwhelmed feeling that been festering for the entire day, or b) It all comes at you all at once.

I had two meltdowns today. One was a quiet meltdown in the bathroom, that I didn't think bothered anyone. And One that was loud, all-out screaming at people and calling them names, etc. (that's when I lose all control)

The first one I didn't think was that bad at all; on the grand scale of things should generally--not necessarily be "okay"--be nonetheless be "allowed." THe other one I think should go under the "forbidden" type of category.

Now, my mom thinks that NO meltdown should be allowed. Thus, if I am overwhelmed, I cannot find a "productive" way to get rid of it; namely, this usually involves me crying it out into a pillow. This would be categorized as a "meltdown" by my mom and consequently would not be allowed.

I think that part of this problem stems from the fact that, when I was about 3-4, I was "mis" (?) diagnosed with ADHD. From my understanding, it would be possible to do what my mom is suggesting and just not let it affect you if you have ADHD (or so I seem to recall my former psychologist saying). I think that the "meltdown" territory comes with Asperger's (which is a form of autism). This often triggers meltdowns by way of any of the following:
1) Being treated unfairly, or at least "perceiving" you are being treated unfairly.
2) Having a bunch of strong stimuli (IE, loud noises--such as my mom yelling) coming out of nowhere and consequently overwhelming you.
3) Not being able to find something (this can be avoided if you walk away for a while)
4) Not picking up sarcasm, and consequently being hurt by someone's sarcasm since you haven't picked it up.
5) There are other examples as well, but these are the ones I can think of for the time being

I think that the underlying problem is that my mom is still clinging to the old diagnosis, and thus perceiving this from an ADHD...ish perspective, and not from an autistic/Aspie perspective.

My question is this: What is the best way to discuss with my mom (either with a shrink or without one) that the smallish, crying-into-my-pillow-type-meltdowns should be acceptable as it relieves stress--or that it simply should not be counted as a meltdown? I know the bigger-losing-all-control-calling-people-names-type meltdown are not acceptable.

To be honest, I don't think that there's any way to have "no" meltdowns but you can significantly affect the shape and size of them.

You need to recognize the things that affect you - and see the signs of impending meltdown before it happens. If a given situation is bringing one on, then you need to recognise it early enough to remove yourself from the situation.

As for your mother... well.... your age is 21.

You don't have to explain anything if you don't want to.

First, this is something that you should try to discuss, and not let it become an argument. If you must, ask your mother to listen, without interruption, as you lay out your case, and then give her the opportunity to do the same.
For your part, you should let her know, that regardless of if she is thinking of this as ADHD, or Autism, or Asperger's, she should be aware that under no circumstances would a mental health physician, (I call em MHP's), see this as a good thing.
They may agree that you should try to find other ways to express said outbursts, but none, at least none worth anything, would say that "going for none" should be a goal.
This doesn't apply to only to people like "us", but NT's as well.
What your mother is saying, is the equivalent of "hold it all in".
And again, no MHP would ever suggest this for an NT, let alone someone with an non-NT mindset.
Emotionally, and mentally, doing that would be dangerous.
Agree with her that, the loud, argumentative outbursts are something that you agree, need to be redirected. But educate her too, that these types of outbursts generally reflect that you are feeling that something has occurred, and its not your fault, and this is your way of saying, someone else has done this. It doesn't even have to be the person who actually cause this meltdown, as they may be long gone, its only just now hitting you, or, reaching the boiling point, and its coming out, like it or not, on them.
The other type of outburst is generally, but not always, aimed at yourself. These are the one where you are probably isolating yourself, perhaps in tears, wondering why you personally didnt do, or say something, or are going thru scenarios of "what-if's".
No matter which one, it is an outlet for you...an emergency drain, to let out overflowing emotions that would have a far worse impact, if you couldn't let them out.
Its the same thing that you see or hear many NT's talking about, when they speak of punching pillows, or other such, "non-destructive" way of coping. you are doing it differently, in a manner that works for you, again, maybe not the best way to do it, but that's what is going on, and I would end it by reminding her, that, she would not bottle her emotions up, (at least I hope not), and that she shouldn't expect you to either.
At this point, its her turn.....hopefully, she will have gotten the message.
Keep us informed...hope everything works out for you.