I don't want to be here (Not suicidal) (Meltdown writing)

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I don't want to be home, I really don't.

Today, I was trying to explain to my mom that I needed to do the laundry, because I didn't have enough underwear to make it through till Monay (She's doing the wash on Sunday). She gave me this eyes-wide-open "How the hell do you even DARE to disagree with me?!" look. I called out on that, and of course she denied it. I then went off onto a rant. Something that I shouldn't have done, but anyways, my mom then--very smartly--slapped her thighs. This only enraged me further. I feel as though my parents do not care about me. They "claim" they have read books on Asperger's, but they make no effort to apply that.

For instance, if I tell my mom "Sometimes I misinterpret; Are you mad at me?" It then becomes that I am RANTIng about how I misinterpret. Or if my brother is bitingly sarcastic to me, it then becomes "You're misinterpreting" as though that will solve everything.

Can't talk to my mom about any of my problems I've been having at school; just becomes "I don't want to hear about it." Oh, if I talk to my dad about it, it becomes "Well, it's just one more semester." WELL THAT SHOWS A GREAT DEAL OF UNDERSTANDING, NOW DOESN'T IT?!

Can't disagree with my mom either, or my dad, because then it becomes "go to your room."

Can't tell them I feel supremely disrepected here, either, because then it is rant city for me, and my mom and dad not understanding why.

I absolutely hate it here. I could move to my grandma's for like...two weeks...but then I don't think I would have internets, so I couldn't talk to you guys. You know, I thought home was going to be the one place where I wouldn't get hurt. I was wrong. Dead wrong.

Surely, there has to be some sort of "Greater good" that I'm going to get once I get out of college, but I just don't see it, you know? I used to have suicidal thoughts at one point; they've gone away as soon as they've come, for the most parts. I'm not seriously thinking about killing myself; in fact, if anything I actively resist doing that, because that's just going to show that I can't solve problems. For the most parts, things are OK around here, but then things get stressful. On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the best time ever, and 1 being OMG I have to run away, it's about a 3.5.

And that brings me to another topic. I have thought seriously about just up and running away. I don't care where to. Plus, half the time I say that living on the street is better than being here. The only issue I have is: Money. I have no money. As a result, I can't exactly move away. So, I am stuck here. But I don't want to be at home, or at college, as I do not belong to either place. As I've said in earlier posts: I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I have repeatedly told my parents that I can't stand being here, and they say "that's a shame," but yet they never sit down and talk to me about my problems, or about why I don't like it here, so as a result, they AND I do not make efforts to at least make my stay more..."liveable"

Also, keep in mind, this is a meltdown rant, so I'm probably hugely exaagerating some things.

To quote a movie (Network): "I'm Mad as hell and I'm not going take it any more".

:'(

Strangely, as I write this, I'm feeling better O.o

Talking about your issues helps. Growing up I'd say "When I'm 18 I'm leaving!" (I'm 22 and still live with my parents) my 8 year old sister tells my mom she hates her and she says fine then leave or I'll leave etc. (It becomes a big yelling argument. It's sad your parents don't understand you but I don't think any parents understands there child fully. I have my issues with my family but that's why I escape to my room or in harder cases take a walk around the neighborhood to think and clear my mind. You shouldn't live on the street if possible move in with a friend for a few days/weeks a older sibling perhaps or as you said your grandma. Alot of times you just need to get away to clear your mind. Also "go to your room" sounds childish you are 20! It'll work out don't worry.