I'm getting really lonely...

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Okay, here's the scoop. I was very popular in twelfth grade and there was a bunch of people who wanted me to hang out with them. And I did. It was even to the point where I never had any idea of where to sit at lunch because so many different tables wanted me to sit with them and I always felt bad sitting at one table and not another one. This has come and gone.

After I graduated, I went to a local community college for a semester and it did not work out. I found everyone there to be very immature and I only had a few nice people I was friends with there for a while. I have since lost contact with them. Also, there's no one in my area I can really just hang out with. There's a nice girl that visits my neighborhood every other weekend, but her house is way down the street, the weather's been really bad, and there's a bunch of construction going on down there right now so it's not safe.

I'm no longer friends with my friend, Sarah, whom I've been friends with for ten years. She never grew up like I did and she's basically stuck at a twelve-year-old's level. She's also really obsessed with anime, which I personally hate (no offense to anime lovers out there). She also gets really whiny if her friends forget to call her back when they're "supposed to", but if she doesn't call me back, I don't make a scene about it like she does. She'll actually start crying. I decided to let her sleep over a few weeks ago to improve our friendship since I didn't want to see it go under. It didn't help. She was extremely careless about everything over here, and I had to make her meals, and clean up after her. She also could care less about what she said in front of my mom and she played her mp3 player the entire car ride home. And we had to hear her bad taste in music the whole time because of it... She also never accepted my friend invite on YouTube from a month ago, and she's on it every single day, so she really has no excuse. And everytime we go shopping, I'm the one who has to end up buying her stuff and she never pays me back because she always says "You're rich. I need the money more than you do." She's perfectly capable of getting off her lazy butt, getting a job, and paying me back. She sits around her house all day playing Gaia Online... So I doubt we're friends anymore. We're just too different.

She was my only friend left. And if that's not bad enough, my boyfriend and I are never able to talk to each other anymore. We've been in a relationship for two years. Even though he lives in Virginia and I live in Indiana, we are able to visit each other a few times a year and it's always extra special since we don't get to see each other that often. But he's been extremely busy lately, so we're hardly able to talk on the phone anymore. He goes to school full time, he's always at work (sometimes seven hours a day on top of school), he visits his dad three hours a day on Tuesday and Thursday, plus all day every day every other weekend. So if that's not bad enough, his step-dad is constantly chewing him out, making it totally impossible for each other to talk. Plus his family spends *hours* on the phone on purpose, just so we can't talk to each other. His mom likes me (not so sure about his step-dad), but they always push us aside while my mom and I revolve all of *our* plans around *their* schedule, while they could care less about us. See how that's not fair?

I also often feel very ignored here on WrongPlanet. It seems like no one reads my posts and skips over them. So if I get next to no replies to this, that'll only prove my point.

I'm at a breaking point. Unlike most people here (being NLD rather than AS), I crave the attention and socialization. I'm extremely lonely. I've gotten to the point where I'm crying nearly every day about it. I'm not depressed by any means. I love my life and I'm sure a lot of people would trade theirs' to have everything I have. I have everything compared to a lot of people. But all I really want right now is some friends. Friends that'll be there for me in person. Friends I can go shopping with and hang out with. Friends that'll be happy to hear what I have to say. Friends that'll be there for me.

Don't know if I can see you in person, but I'll definitely talk to you here. just pm me anytime. I might be a few days to reply sometimes, because I have a sister who also uses the computer (alot) and I have the homework issue (don't fret I'm on wp at the same ) I feel the same way at school most of the time so I guess I could use another friend from here other than zghost (who I like to talk to anyway so no offense there zghost ). pm me any time Lightning88

Hi Lightning88,

Yep, leaving the forced socialization of school, which can be hell for some, is still the most meeting people place, and the post school world, we have near nothing in common with others.

Sarah sounds like she is dealing with the same issue in another way, regressing, her best days gone forever, life was great till I turned twelve, and trying to recapture lost youth, like a fortyfive year old guy with a classic Corvette, and a fading cheerleader picked up at Hooters.

I have dealt with Sarahs, the, I can't do anything, is asking for someone to tell them what to do. She wants you to be her mommie. There are ways of dealing with the hopelessly dependant. In the good old days they were married off, or sold in the slave market.

As an adult in the real world now your life is your choice. Yes, I did just say it is all your fault.

Now you have to work to build a social network, what you took for granted at school, was training wheels. Through rain and sleet, snowstorms, and construction zones, you have to get down the street and get to know that nice girl that visits every other week, and still leave her time with whoever she is visiting.

Taking your strong skills into account, shopping, doing lunch, I offer the same advice I offer the boys who complain about not getting dates. "First you have to leave the house, then go where the kind of girls you would want to meet are, then talk to them, about them."

This is stalking, with intent, but you can get away with it. Shopping the stores you like, it is not hard to spot who is dressed right, your view, and has just picked out something, and you can open a conversation with "That is so cute." Then it is, that will go well with your hair, work in the eyes, girls are body parts, keep it up.

It will not take a huge amount of time for you to hunt the shops you like, and places for lunch, and spot the ones who dress right, spend their own money, or Mom's, are alone, and you are not the only girl that craves attention, it is a sex based trait.

I have done a lot of this, and as a male was not looking to go shopping, let us just say it works, and in a very short time we went from being strangers, to knowing each other really really well. My secret weapon was talking about them. They find it hard to resist, and like Sarah, will do just anything for more attention.

Another rule would be management time, some girls will drain you, all day every day, some are totally great once a week. The answer is collect more than you need, enough to compare them, and go with what works for you. People in general have a high dropout rate, so you have to resupply before you need to. Having a few demands on your time make the rest worth more, so people book early.

You must face the horror of life, The Mall, Home Shows, Fashion Shows, I shudder at the thought.

No matter how much of a material life you have, we are all equal when it comes to the feeling of not having enough or the right friends. What I found in my girl hunting days was many had not had anyone speak to them in a long time. They grew up, got a job, an apartment, and day after day lived lives of quite desperation. On the outside they are well dressed and it seems doing everything right, but inside is a lonely place.

Still a guy centered view but in the clearest form I was saying, "I want to use you." About half the time the answer was, "OK". They very much feel life is passing them by.

I think you know the feeling of floating through life with no real connection with anyone. First we come up in a froth of childish socialization, then pop out of the froth as single bubbles and float away, we see lots of other bubbles, but feel we are the only one feeling alone.

You are the bright and cheerful one, the outgoing and friendly, you just need to move your skills from High School to the Mall, it is just another class, where independent study is the rule.

In many ways you are the most secure, you have material security, and that is doubful to a lot of the world now. You know about NLD and deal with it, they lack such guidelines in life. You can define what you want, most of them just feel empty, and that something is lacking.

What they need is a Happy Tree Friend.

I know what it's like to get lonely. It's just that I've been lonely so much in my life it's like I'm used to it. I never had anyone to sit with at lunch, elementary-college. I've had to settle for annoying friends because they are autistic like me and the only people I feel comfortable hanging out with.

Before moving to Oregon, I ditched three friends, an aspie and two HFA's. The aspie friend was racist and judgmental and I only put up with him because I wanted someone to go out and do things with. The two HFA's would embarrass me at restaurants singing kid's songs and commercials really loudly.

I kept one aspie friend in NC and I still call him. I'm struggling to make friends here. I want one neurotypical friend and one aspie friend besides my BF. That is my social goal.

I hope you get less lonely and meet more friends!

To Lightning88,

I know quite a bit about the subject of loneliness, as do most of us here on WrongPlanet, I'm sure. Since finding my way here, I have gained some insight into dealing with it and get on with that "social element" that I have been missing for the last couple of years. Just writing about some of the things I've kept bottled up for a long while have lifted a load off my chest emotionally, which has helped me relax enough to be social in the first place. This being said, Inventor made some fine points here to be taken to heart.

Yep, it was for the most part hell for me, too. Even in my 30's it's still hell sometimes, especially for those of us with "differences" such as ours. We have certain challenges that are entirely our own, but we can also feel a greater sense of accomplishment if we overcome them. This will likely require some combination of "tried-and-true" methods along with some "original thinking" but when it's all said and done, it's worth it.



I think most of us have a "Sarah-phase" at some point, especially after something really bad happens. In my case, it was a divorce and a major car accident within six days of one another. After scrimping, saving, living like a monk for seven months, and taking some funds out of my money market account, I bought a 2003 Mustang. Yes, I decided if I was going to be single, I was going to have a single man's car that I always wanted but never had! While I would not call this phase of my life a "second childhood" I think the term "second adolescence" would be appropriate.

This being said, doing some things for "the kid in you" can be good when done in moderation. Just remember to strike the balance between being a kid and being a grown-up.



Even now they are often married off. Or just become "gold-diggers" extraordinaire.



I agree with Inventor...to a point.

There will come times in one's life where he or she will deal with circumstances beyond his or her control. Granted, they will not be often, but if you live in the real world long enough, it's gonna happen. Color me a bit pessimistic, but having heard stories from some of my classmates in the course of my IT schooling, I have become a big believer in Murphy's Law.

There will be plenty of things which DO lie within your realm of control, however, and it is up to you to deal with them (or not). And this will be true throughout life.



It will be hard to do at first, but it will hopefully get easier if you do it enough. If nothing else, look for some folk with common interests in your area. For example, I have found a game shop here in the area that does a "Board Game Night" once a week. I took my copy of "Risk: Godstorm" with me, and ended up having a good time. It gives one something to look forward to doing with others. You may end up making some friends out of it.



One of the things I seem to have an issue with is something called "discounting the positive". I am working on this, but even when I see the positive I often discount them as being "undesirable". I know....it's still a bit negative, but it's better than not seeing them at all. Make a list of the things you are good about yourself and try to recite them once a day (either mentally or aloud). Think of it as a ever-present "silver lining" no matter how cloudy the day is.

I'm gonna skip over much of the "girl-hunting part" of the post (sorry, Inventor).



So, see? This even happens to the so-called "normal" people as well as Spectrum-folk. Sometimes they (and we) even bring it on themselves.

I would also like to go on record as saying if "Spectrum-folk" wasn't a word before, it is now.



I went through this phase right after I bought my Mustang and started hitting the bar scene which I left when bar tabs started to catch up with me. And this was a damned good analogy of all that, Inventor. I couldn't have said it better.



The Mall, or the Bookstore, or the Game Shop, or the Library - wherever you would feel comfortable being outgoing and friendly.



Knowing your weaknesses, admitting to yourself that you have them, and understanding them is probably the greatest part of overcoming many of life's problems in general. A better understanding of my own "difference" - which I now firmly believe to be undiagnosed AS - has given me a framework for self-improvement.

The greatest of these for many Spectrum-folk is the social deficit, to include actually working up the nerve to reach out to others. Something so simple as joining WrongPlanet has helped me much in just two short days. I have gotten back in touch with some old friends via MySpace and Facebook, one of which I talked to for nearly two hours last week on the phone. While it's not "face-to-face" contact, it might eventually lead to that in some cases.



I prefer Disney Beanies myself, but hey..different strokes for different folks.

I hope getting some of this off your chest has helped...and also let you know you are definitely NOT alone. One of the reasons I decided to join WrongPlanet was this: I feel if I can help others, I will also be helping myself. So please do not hesitate to PM me if you just wanna talk.

Good Luck,
Chris

Thanks, guys. But having friends online just isn't the same as it is in real life. And I think we all know that. But I really do appreciate the offers.

As for Sarah, she's not regressing. She just never grew up. She's been stuck in that state since middle school. I've really grown up since then and unlike her, I'm not living in the past. I actually just want to skip the next ten or so years so I can live my full fledged adult life with my new family (once that happens).

As for finding friends, I've tried making friends at stores and stuff, but it never seems to work out. And whenever we do exchange numbers, they never call. So I always have to end up doing that first, making every single plan, and everything. And I'm done with it. I'm tired of being the one always having to take control to save a friendship. I want a friend who will put in just as much effort as I.

WOW good for you for going to a community college!! ! most of us got ripped off by ivy-league-wann-be-$0k/year-colleges and are now debt slaves for the rest of our lives. someones calling - i think it might be Sallie Mae. lol.

i'm looking for people with same social problems to befriend me
PM me or email me at learningtwosurvive@gmail.com and we can commiserate about our problems. life is tough and you need to vent once in a while, right?

I had a friend whose husband lived in a different state for the first years of their marriage. The phone was important. If your boyfriend's net access is separate from the phone line, perhaps Skype would help?


When I come across your name, I usually have a look, as you seem more kind and thoughtful than average, and these are qualities I value. I don't often reply because I don't often feel I have something useful to contribute. I saw you got lots of views. As always, replies are far fewer, so I guess lots of other people are fairly quiet.

When it comes to college, I don't think community college was the best way to go. A lot of the people in my classes didn't have much money, and they were all on financial aid. My mom didn't qualify for it, so I kinda stuck out in the groups. If I had a choice, I probably would've chosen a state college instead.

As for Skype, I'll ask him about it. His family's on a tight budget right now though, and he needs to save all of his money he earns himself for his car, gas, and insurance. I'm just glad that I never had to deal with that kind of thing. Atm, we just want to skip the next few months so we can see each other again this summer. He's coming here first, and I'm flying with him to Virginia.

Gromit, thanks for enjoying my posts! That makes me feel a little better.

Shop harder, need I mention that there is a lot of irregular and factory seconds on the market, one has to look far, and inspect the goods.

Even then you will have to have a break in period till they wear in and shape to fit.

You are much too young to be thirty.

It is a good time to learn what kind of people you would avoid in the future.

Part of it is winter.

I generally enjoy your posts. Maybe it's because you're not quite like the rest of us. I've found that in my experience I don't get along well with people too similar to myself, although I've never met someone quite like me. I've been very busy lately this semester so I haven't been posting much.

I go to a private college and have not had any luck myself finding any friends, despite the fact that I've lived on campus these last three years.

I can relate to this big time. I have tried so hard to find someone else who would put in an effort all in vain, I try to get out to meet people but it never works. I would put effort in, but I live too far away to be anything other than an internet friend.

I just submitted a job application this morning so I'll see if I get the job. If not, I'll just have to try again at that mall. It's the biggest mall in the state, so I have a fairly good chance finding a job there. I know a lot of the people at the store I applied to pretty well, and the manager and I get along great. They know what my previous job was (which was actually a good job for that mall), and they're impressed with it. I also talked to my former boss earlier and she said she'd put in a good word about me (We got along really well as she saw a lot of herself in me.). So hopefully everything will work out. Wish me luck!

good luck

*sigh* The store never did contact me back... I'll apply at a different mall downtown this weekend. That way, when I'm not working or something, I can just walk down to my mom's office during the week. I know downtown Indianapolis by heart. Actually, the whole city is extremely easy to get around.

keep applying. do not give up before you have been rejected by at least 50 employers

lol Hopefully I won't get rejected my 50 employers! I'll try a few stores at that mall. I'll be in the area tomorrow anyway, so that'll work. If not, I'll just keep going back to that other mall. (There's a lot of malls around here lol)