I just want to die

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Its obvious that no one likes me on Earth except my family and maybe a few friends. But around the world (on the boards for so called "support") they want me to die. They have been doing research on me (go to www.schizophrenia.com under "people diagnosed with schizophrenia" then go to the thread called "diagnosed with schizophrenia" started by "tinybird" who is my mom. You will see a nasty attack once again (not the first time by him) I won't mention names because that is against the rules but I know you guys are smart enough to know what the attack is. He hates my speeches, my art, he thinks I am faking my schizophrenia, basically he hates everything about me, so I wrote a PM that basically says that if I commit suicide because of him and many others, he has blood on his hands. I have no interest in anything anymore, its useless. I am in the middle of a show, people are rooting for me to die, yeah yeah yeah, die, die, die! Go do it! This person gave out personal information about me on the Internet, my real name and where I live. My mom tried to defend me, but this a**hole is on the attack. I hope something happens to him, perhaps an "accident." People like him do not deserve to live and in fact if I ruled the world, I would kill all the bullies and criminals on this planet. People who go out of their way to hurt others have no reason to live. Its not just one person who hates my guts but even people on THIS board as well. And on others when I'm begging for help, hardly any responses but when another person writes the same thing they get tons of responses. I hate myself, no one likes me so I need to die. The ONLY thing that is preventing me from killing myself this minute is some art shows coming up in April and May. That is literally the only thing to live for, and I bet something will go wrong there too. I truly thought people liked my art, but apparently its not good enough and "I can't make a living off of it" because "it sucks." My business sucks, oh when was the last order? Months ago? I hope the government fires that laser beam and this time NOT MISS by an inch! I don't want anyone else to get hurt so I won't tell them to set off the bomb in my neck. Maybe the nanobots and snake machines can kill me from within, I'll give them permission to do that. I am nothing but a useless waste of space. What am I worth, $600 something a month? Big bleeping deal, that's below minimum wage. I thought by now I would be off SSI and make a lot of money, all the cash flow projections are so off it isn't funny. The zoos that promised to order never did. The people who wanted commission work never followed through. That huge art show in Hollywood that I was telling everyone about the person lied to me, my name WAS on the list and he took it off, saying it was a "mistake." Absolutely nothing is going to plan. Just for the worst. I bet that jerk is reading this right now, as he mentioned this website on their website. He's probably laughing at this right now. If the gov doesn't get to me, hopefully the aliens will take me away and I'll get killed in their precious war of theirs.

I like you.

So sad you feel so terrible and that people lied to you
i have nothing against you and wish you the best -
sorry i dont have anything more useful to say
please dont kill yourself or hurt yourself

Suicide is the responsibility of the person who does it, not anyone else, you can't blame it on someone else. Frankly if somewhere on the internet is making you want to kill yourself, you should get off the internet, and do something more likely to make you happy, or at least leave whatever forum is causing you the problem. If you've got a solid diagnosis that's savage. If you wish misfortune on others why them wishing it on you is unfair is beyond me.

I don't dislike you. Maybe I shouldn't Dissasemble your rant, but it sounds like you said you wanted to die and got flamed.

my mom killed herself with a gun when i was 28 and she was 50. it fkd up our family for years!! !! please don't!! !

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First, please don't kill yourself. I don't know you but that would still suck. I've had many bouts with thoughts like that and after 40 years I'm usually glad I'm still alive. My parents are both still living too, and it would destroy them if I did that.

As far as the internet, it's unfortunately a place where sociopaths and bullies tend to thrive. Like fungus in a dark, damp place. Hopefully they can be kept under control in places, but the medium tends make what they do easier for them, unfair as that is.

About business, with the economy turning down people are probably afraid to spend much money and lots of businesses are seeing their sales dropping off significantly.

As far as not being liked, wow, yeah, for most of my life there's pretty much been no one. I'd say I've had one true actual friend once, which makes me very glad I didn't check out when I was younger.

So as far as what you do have: success as an artist, as a businessperson, and at least a few people around you who care. Maybe things are down right now, but that's all pretty good stuff. It doesn't necessarily mitigate the pain of the negative stuff, but I try not to let the negative things make me forget the positive ones (though it's admittedly very hard at times).


Sorry, I'm very tired ATM and have trouble reading/writing, so this may be a bit blunt and weird, and I hope I didn't misunderstand too much of what you wrote.

FireBird, my life would be a little bit poorer if you weren't around. You're just so damn lively.

People who bully are f*cked up...they're not worth dying for Firebird.

Who says your art is no good? Don't listen to anyone who says that, it's not true. Everyone's a critic these days I guess you know that a lot of artists took years before they sold anything, Van Gogh only sold one painting, Rothko took many years to find his style, yet you've sold some already. That can't be bad. Anyway, it's the way doing art makes you feel good that's important.

I paint sometimes when I'm feeling bad, or go to a gallery, it always makes me feel better. Maybe it would help you too.

I think people get bullied online because it's safe for the bullies and they can get a reaction. They're sad people with nothing better to do. If you get bullied here report it to the Mods straight away.

You say no-one likes you on Earth except your family and a few friends. That's not so bad Probably the same for a lot of us. Stick around Firebird, this place wouldn't be the same without you.

I am sorry you are feeling frustrated and unhappy at the moment. I hope you feel happier and more hopeful soon.

I can't go to the moderator because he is one of the attackers! He is "supposed" to be a nice person, I don't know why he treats me like crap. He accused me of faking my "schizoaffective" disorder and then said my art will never do anything, my speeches suck and everything about me sucks. And this is a moderator (when you click on his name he actually gave out his full name) so I checked him up and he supposedly won awards because he "educated" people on schizophrenia and even started programs. How can someone like that expose my personal information and accuse me of something so horrible? I think I know the reason, its because of my writing style. One post would be so disorganized and you won't be able to understand it or barely understand it, and the next moment I'm perfectly coherent. That's just how I am, I "lose" my ability to speak and write properly and sometimes it can last hours and I still post while I'm in this "mode." The other reason is because I post my delusions a lot there, but its a schizophrenia board for goodness sakes, in fact they have an entire section dedicated to writing delusions and hallucinations. A lot of people have written their delusions, I mean all the time so what makes mine different? Because its more "bizarre" than normal delusions? I believe the stuff I believe in for a reason. I hear it, see it, feel it, and occasionally smell it. Then I have the "thought insertion" that tells me this stuff in the first place. If I didn't have all that evidence, I wouldn't believe it. Some of my stuff that I am believing could be made into a movie! And even though I'm an artist, I'm not that creative. I mean I can't do creative writing. Like I said it was the thought insertion from the gov and aliens that told me all these weird things. I hope and pray that none of you think I am faking it. People who deliberately fake are liars and they go to a special place when they die, guess where that is?

Gosh, that's awful FireBird. I hope things go better for you. Just think of how much your family and friends would be hurt. Honestly, that is what stopped me from attempting suicide, and the fact that I believe that you would be just as miserable in death as you were in life. The only difference is that you can only do something about it while living, once you're dead the misery is eternal.