Using suicidal thoughts for good instead of selfish purposes

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Like many people I am prone to reoccurring suicidal thoughts.
Right now there has been a lot of change going on, and I have been having trouble adapting.
We are opening a new store in a popular neighborhood, and though I won't have much involvement in it, my boyfriend is going to go work there...and is pretty much going to start spending more time at his house and it is very possible that we might as well break up because he will be on a new schedule on a popular street surrounded by a perpetual barrage of pretty girls and he has always been the roving eye type...as have most guys I have dated, and and far be it for me to hold him back...this is not the reason I feel suicidal...but I do feel like I am in the way....though actually I am not in the way...I need to settle down and learn to have no further desires than to be a useful but barely-functioning cog in the machine of my business partner's empire.
I can't just go and off myself because it would cause a lot of people stress and throw a monkey wrench into the whole works and rain on everybody's parade...including my parents...if I killed myself they might think of themselves as failures...I would maybe make people feel guilty...etc...
At the same time, I am unhappy and frustrated and don't like myself very much at all...I am in many ways very deeply disgusted with myself.....How do I use these feelings productively?

Hi. I'm sorry you're going through all this.

I don't know if this is going to be of any help or not, but I remember feeling this way too and am just writing along the lines of what I would have wanted to hear.

What you can do/contribute to this new venture is just as important as anything anyone else is doing. From what I've read of your previous postings about the club, you are the glue that holds everything together.

How to turn the feelings themselves into something positive...well, that's a tough one, unfortunately. I think they are coming from the fact that you feel pushed aside, and you're turning that anger inwards. (Believe me, I've been there too, a lot.)

Wish I could offer more than just sympathy and pop psychology but I hope this helps a little.

Take care.

Well, something ive started using is instead of thinking suicide, just to be put to sleep for a year or so (its more humane since you get to live and hopefully feel like a clean slate when you wake up . . . least, thats my kind of logic). Bout all you can do is try to keep busy until something occurs that shows you your life's calling (which a lot of us may not get until VERY late in life).

I have often used the analogy of wishing I could be "put to sleep" for a long time...That would be lovely...and taking (literal) naps has helped me recover from my bad melty feelings. Today I had a blowup and I had a nap and I feel better...I have had..letsee....3? meltdowns in the last three days...and we have not had any shows so I can't use that as an excuse...nor can I use mensies as I am past that for the month...and I have been keeping up with all my supplements and omegas so I can't use the neglect of that either...

I direct a lot of anger inwards but I also direct anger outwards...mostly at my business partner and not necc. with good reason...
Today's yelling spell was because he scheduled an open mic and I thought we were going to have the afternoon off...and while only one person showed up, the fact that he scheduled it and told me at the last minute ticked me off...particularly because he went off on errands and blah blah....I wanted to work on craft projects and had dragged all this mess out just to have to put it away...I fought against taking my ADD meds till the last minute and even afterwards, I had to take a big nap....
Yesterday's was brought on by our trip to Ikea to buy fixtures for the new store, and it was insisted that my boyfriend accompany us, even though he didn't want to...and while we were there I was stressed out and my mind stopped working very well...and I forgot my anxiety meds and my (AS-ish) boyfriend was cranky because Ikea is giant and evil...and we were there for hours..and I would have been less stressed if he was not so cranky...so I spent most of the time hanging back from my boyfriend, my business partner and his girlfriend just to keep out of the way...pacing in nervous circles...I might of spent 10 minutes just pushing the pedal on the stainless steel pedal trash bin...and so on...and um well...afterwards I could not stop crying for several hours and sometime around then is when i started this thread....

The night before, my partner wanted us to go out and play music on the patio in front of our new store, and it wasn't much fun for me...and there was drinking and I often melt down when I have been drinking and am in public..and a big part is that I don't like to be around my business partner when he has been drinking...and we had a big blowout fight about our old relationship and stuff....

I have a really had time processing and understanding my feelings and predicting things and all this stuff....and so often, things sorta leak out the edges and i get really wonky....i guess it is mostly the change I am having difficulty with....