Violent feelings

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The mods haven't given me an official word on what I'm not allowed to talk about, but here goes.

I sometimes think about getting the mean people and tearing them to shreds in the most gruesome ways imaginable. I think of their laughter, their "I don't care how you feel," and what almost seems their total lack of empathy for me, at the instant before I... 'surprise' them.

I feel almost as if I'm playing the role of an angry sculptor with the world in my mind. I think of ripping up all these mean people and leaving only the people who are nice, the people who are dear to me. These thoughts have the sweet taste of revenge in a world of cruelty.

It will be nice if I can somehow 'reason away' all painful actions. After all, if pleasure is good and pain is bad, why would any rational being commit evil? (Unless we are locked in some kind of Hell, I don't know... or maybe if pleasure really needs pain to exist alongside of...) What I'd like to do is lie down at home, feel relaxed, not hear voices, enjoy the luxury of an advanced society, and pick up my netbook every now and then to help people with their math homework.

It sounds so simple, doesn't it?

These feelings are normal for a lot of people...even though most won't admit it outside of themselves.

It's a little bit more twisted for me. Since I don't like socializing with anyone, I find myself wanting to tear out even the nice people...cause even if the nice people are all that's left, even they would eventually give up their tolerance for me.

Knowing some of the many ways I could make someones life miserable is enough for me.. When I tell people of some of these tricks, the message eventually makes it to any bully who might want to bother me.

It has been very difficult to avoid these thoughts. They have seemed almost logically connected to the fact that I was in pain and that I mattered because I was conscious.

The whole alpha-male Happy Bunny charade seems to exacerbate these violent feelings.

What I'd like to see is an eventual solution to these unpleasant thoughts for all of us, even if it means we have to take baby steps to find it. Just what are we going to do, though? It's not as simple as making the world a technologically safer place. People would still get mad when their children were born 'disabled' in such a world.

I wonder two things:

1. If the legalization of voluntary euthanasia for people like me would remedy the problem.
2. If lifting the social taboo on discussing these private feelings would help us.

I know how you feel. I won't even go into the details involving the specific thoughts that have run through my head time and time again, because they have no place outside the adult section(yeah, they're that bad). The important thing is to not act on them. Having a rl friend understanding enough to listen to all that really helps. I don't know how I would have gotten by the last few years without my best friend Anthony. He can't relate, he thinks I'm overreacting... but he also realizes that the things I go through are different from what most people go through. And he understands that simply talking about my problems helps. Friends like him are amazing. I suggest trying to find yourself an Anthony of your own