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i absolutely must return to europe.


even if it ruins me.

As a child, I'm either too happy that I'd talk to myself outloud, or too angry that I'd cry myself from being violent if not too neutral.
Almost no fear nor sadness, and never in between. If there was fight or flight panic, it always chooses fight.

I'm known for being 'moody'.
I lack the internal consistency, and more than half the time it drags my performance -- it mattered a little if the triggers are internal or external, or if it's a good or a bad feeling.
It mattered that I felt something, and it could affect me in various ways. And so sensitive, that even some minor hormonal changes could throw me off.

But then, the lack of consistency of everything is something I already figured how to handle and 'take'. I figured the external parts by figuring my senses, but not much on internal ones and how to master it.
Meaning, I can take the chaos without breaking or in need for it to be lessen. However, that doesn't mean performance isn't affected in a way. Sure, I can take it but that doesn't mean I don't get distracted, or end up having limited mental 'slots' and 'ranges' that involves semblance of multitasking and levels of awareness that involves a lot of things.
Therefore, while I adapt with what the environment throws, what I'm still trying to cope is my own limitations -- the lack of tools, skills, and quantity like thresholds or even as simple as experience. And yes, I have fewer coping strategies to be used and lesser need for defence mechanisms, but more energy to expend for the rest of the day.

So far, I'm seriously contemplating if emotional intelligence is worth pursuing. Since I could take decades of crappier performance and stay that way. Worse, I may never be able to reach it, and just worsen if not at least slows my progress along the way.

I understood internal harmony and resolve, but not the real time ones yet. I don't like masking, and I dislike suppression. I did not grew up in an environment where one is conditioned to supress themselves out of fear, nor am not being allowed to express any negative emotions.
So yes, a lax home and upbringing had driven me to be stronger and independent instead of making me stagnant and spoiled like any typical assumptions would assume so. The 'going rough' part is my choice, and a choice I'd stand.

Suppression is the quicker and easier way out, but, of course, many accounts attests how harmful it is.
Mental reprisals doesn't worked out well so far because my feelings couldn't let go of what it felt in the first place. It did not helped that I don't fully accept my own emotions to begin with because I want more control.
So I thought about channelling it. But channeling doesn't always give off the right kind of 'energy' on the right time and place, nor that not all sorts of internal sensations can be channeled into something useful, like, say, tiredness.

The only thing I have not tried is consistency.
Meaning, little to no ups and downs, emotionally. Thoughts are 'balanced' in a way that isn't reigned free nor overly strained.
No bodily changes allowed -- which also means timely needs of sleep, energy usage, excretion routines, and diet.
But also impossible with that alone because of the reproductive cycle's effect on hormones. Which means that may resort to meds as well, paradoxically, still, affects hormones.

For now, this is what I could ramble about.

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Sweet Peas keep popping up around the Internet, so I captured another one to use as an avatar. Peavatar. I like the sound of that. I have a new peavatar.

Roseanne is coming back on TV with all new episodes. I'm going to watch her.

Have mercy on those who don't practice asceticism.

I need to look uo the word asceticism.

Thinking about a video by Alain De Botton on religion and the song 'Somebody's me' by Enrique Iglesias.

Hearing what 'you want to hear' is a sin.
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I wonder if there would be an episode of 'Black mirror' about call centers?, if there isn't already one .

it is food making time!

food time!

'Tis season should NOT this cold.

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My mood is dropping immensely from the recent posts that I've seen show up and that I've commented on. Mixed with sadness and the urge to cry, I think I need to find something to distract myself from here for a bit...

I really hope the person that I like on here will be alright...