What's your favorite joke(s)?

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All my favorite jokes are absolutely filthy.

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees.

The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many”.

“That one is a freebie”

another for baby boomers-

How old are you???

1972: Long hair
2012: Longing for hair

1972: The perfect high
2012: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1972: KEG
2012: EKG

1972: Acid rock
2012: Acid reflux

1972: Moving to California because it's cool
2012: Moving to California because it's warm

1972: Growing pot
2012: Growing pot belly

1972: Seeds and stems
2012: Fiber

1972: Popping pills, smoking joints
2012: Popping joints

1972: Killer weed
2012: Weed killer

1972: Hoping for a BMW
2012: Hoping for a BM

1972: The Grateful Dead
2012: The greatful aspiring to be dead in Switzerland, Germany, the Netherlands, and in the US states of Washington, Oregon, Colorado, Hawaii, Vermont, Montana, Washington, D.C., Maine (Starting January 1, 2020), New Jersey, and California.

1972: Going to a new, hip joint
2012: Receiving a new hip joint

1972: Rolling Stones
2012: Kidney Stones

1972: Being called into the principal's office
2012: Calling the principal's office

1972: Screw the system
2012: Upgrade the system

1972: Disco
2012: Costco

1972: Taking acid
2012: Taking antacid

1972: Whatever
2012: Depends

^

1972: Falling in love
2012: Falling apart

1972: Future Plans
2012: Funeral Plans

An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying
over Africa had a malfunction, and went down.
A few weeks later, Pepsi Company sent a rescue
plane. They searched the area and found a tribe
of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of the
tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the
crash.

The Chief said, "Yeah." When asked where the
crew was, the Chief replied,
"We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi." The
Rescue crew were shocked.

One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"

The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we
drank the Pepsi."

Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"

The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank
the Pepsi."

After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a
third asked, "Did you.. you
know...eat their...'things'??"

The chief says, "No."

"No?" asked the rescuer.

"No," replied the Chief, "'THINGS' go better
with Coke."

Didn't mean to depress you, AB, just a lighthearted extension of the themes in your post.

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing
her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the
corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her
approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved
slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her,
hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.

He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly
released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of
surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare
flesh. He expertly guided his hands through this tender, often
hidden territory, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability
to satisfy her every need.

Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire
that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that
ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart
-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!"
Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been
made only for her.

As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his
steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it
wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman
would want more. She would want to do it again and again and
again.










Don't women just love shopping for shoes

Why is a math book so unhappy?

Because it has lots of problems.

Why did Novak Djokovic lose to Denis at the Australian Open in 2017?

He forgot to take his anti-Istomin shots!

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. It had a worm in the core. and it only had Python v.6.6.6. installed. And then everything crashed.

Here's a joke that I thought was pretty funny:

"People have been asking me, 'where do you see yourself in about a year from now?'. How should I know? I don't have 2020 vision!"

^^^that's ace
After her husbands checkup, a woman was called into the doctors office. The doctor told her, "Your husband has a serious disease. There are several things you'll have to do for him, or he will surely die. Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant to him. Make him a nutritious lunch for work, and a especially nice meal for his dinner at night. Don't give him chores, or that will increase his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him either. Try to relax him in the evenings by wearing lingerie and giving him back rubs. Let him watch his favorite sports on TV. And most importantly, make love to him several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you do these things for the next 10 months to a year, I think he will pull through."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.
"You're going to die," she replied.

A duck wattles into a drug store and gets a chapstick.

The clerk says, will this be cash or change?

The duck says, put it on my bill.

Two chimps in the bath together,
One of them goes,

"Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh"

The other one says,

"Are you alright mate? Do you want me to put some more cold water in or something?"

Jeff had been my best friend since
kindergarten, so it was no surprise to
me when he asked me to be the best man
at his wedding. On the appointed day,
as we were getting dressed for the
ceremony, Jeff got a rather severe
case of "cold feet".

"I can't go through with it" he said,
"I'm nauseous, my stomach cramps, my
knees are like spaghetti"
I said "it's just PMS"
"What ?" he asked
"Yes," i said "Pre Marital Stress."