I'm sorry that I'm acting a little bit 'weird' right now. I'm scared that you think I'm getting swept up in what we're watching on TV and everything that's currently in the media, on the run up to seeing my GP. Maybe with all of this autism awareness everywhere, I've picked the wrong time to seek a diagnosis because everyone's going to think that I'm just attention seeking and jumping on the bandwagon.
I'm worried that you think I'm 'acting' autistic in a way that I never have before, because I'm trying to prove it to you or because I feel like I should. It's not that, I promise. It's just that for the first time in my life I've found my explanation, and embracing it and acting 'more autistic' is making my life so much easier.
Partly it feels like giving in to go against everything I've been fighting to achieve all of my life, but partly it's a relief. It feels comfortable to wear sunglasses when lights get too bright for me, and to not worry too much about how I'm walking, and to accept that phone calls are hard and to ask you to tell people that I'm not available and that they should email me instead. I know that I've spent my whole life trying not to stand out, but right now I'm feeling like I've finally got permission to just...relax. But I'm not all the way there. I want you to know that I'm not totally embracing this. I don't want to suddenly change from the person that you've always known. I've never been good at verbal communication and expressing myself with words, and I've learned recently that I could be if I slowed down and spoke in a more 'verbose' way, and I think I could manage it and that I'd prefer it...but I won't, because then I look like that guy on TV and all of those media-portrayed autistic people that speak in a robotic fashion. And whilst that might work well for me, it's probably a step too far from the 'me' that you've always known. Maybe I can ease into it, slowly.
Trust me, I understand how it might look (though you've not made any comments). I know that in the course of a few months I've started changing from 'me' the person that only seems autistic far under the surface to 'me' that's asking to be diagnosed and showing so many outward signs that I never have before. I know it might seem like I'm faking it, but I'm not. Thank you for your never-ending support, because right now it's more important than ever.