WP Addicts Anonymous

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yup, can relate...
I have my routine, shower, dress ( in the same way as i always do). Have my car keys and sunglasses in the same spot. Think about where i ma going and who i may meet ( even though its the same circuit everyday)...

But then i have someones jigsaw i borrowed and always forget to take it into town to give to them then the penny drops when i see them and appologise feeling a bit of a failure.. So can be good at remembering in certain areas but hopeless in others. I think thats is the executable side.. Even when working i can have so many tabs open my computer slows down, but they all have relevance to each other... Mind goes at 100 mph so despite my body feeling like it has done a marathon i cant sleep if my mind is still going. Its a bit of a paradox...
Emotionally i deal with anxiety on a constant , it never goes away only its levels fluctuate depending on circumstance.. Its like feeling constantly sick, but outwardly i may come across fine to people where as if they were feeling what i feel they would be running for the hills, so can really effect me when one feels they have connected with someone for the first time then get thrown under the bus from out of the blue! Has actually really effected me this last few weeks. Have lost over 5kg, keep throwing up and have this inner battle in my stomach going constantly that you want to run away from but know you cant because it is within you... Have a sister in hospital, mother almost had a heart attack, family dog needing a big op, giving advice to people daily, losing the first human connection i truly ever experienced, feeling a failure, no energy, always feeling i am half awake and half asleep. Yet The only time my phone goes is when someone wants something... I kind of miss a hug, its been a few years since i experienced that... Just gets a little lonely.

^ hugs to you, if only a virtual hug.

Yep, anxiety is a constant companion.
I was commenting to my partner that the only time my muscles relax is when I drink or do drugs.
Even grind my teeth in my sleep.

Yup i am a jaw clencher.. Even had my leg twitch for hours last night like i had a pulse in my thigh...

Yeah the constant companion. I think it has got worse over the years, so partly the spectrum but in large outside influence i think.. It truly horrible, especially when in nature that i love but feel no connect to it anymore... My last trip to indo was a nightmare, everywhere i went, locals asking me if i am married, why not? is there something wrong with me? etc... Not being able to get involved in groups instead just got weird looks, so would only go to empty restaurants and places where there were few people, it really opened up my eyes and made me feel more isolated.. Was a weird realisation...

People say to enjoy ones own time, i have done for 40 years, just want to experience things with someone i can love but realise because of the type of person i am that will likely never happen and seeing my future self scares the crap out of me... Cant say or do anything right in the areas that matter to me the most. I just somehow destroy it and dont know why... I have a king size bed and only sleep on the last foot and a half of the right side.. I see couples walking by and observe feeling happy for then but overwhelmingly sad. Even though i feel happy for them, it is more cognitive as that feeling i dont feel.. Its odd, when i am laughing i am trying to identify how i feel but it is no different, just constant nausea. I find that perplexing. I either say too much or too little... Its is just constant confusion and sadness. I dont think i ever get angry, i have had to act out anger sometimes to get a message across that some dont listen to if explained calmly.. I just feel sad and confused when others may experience anger. I hate confrontation hence my response today to someone was out of the ordinary for me, but got fed up of being used as an objectional punch bag... I was just trying to mind my own business and reading a paper and he came by and said hi, i ignored him and thought he would get the message i just wanted to sit here and be left alone. He didnt like that i didnt stroke his ego and then went into passive aggressive name calling, so i gave him a piece of his own medicine and told him i dont wish to associate with individuals that use their anger to beat upon women and think such people are coackraoaches... This kind of triggered him somewhat, but it did bring his so called ''spiritual'' mask down to show his true coulours, so then he wanted to fight me and i just calmly said i am not like you, please leave me be, but he kept trying to create a physical altercation of which i just ignored and kept reading the paper, while inwardly i was shaking like a leaf... It not that i am weak, far from it, just dont like that sort of illogical alpha male type mentality, cant stand ''pigeon chesters''. There are not many people i try to ignore but he is one of them, buy responding and saying high just to be polite only opens up the possibility of an invitation for him to sit down next to me, i just wanted to make it clear that it will never happen and i just wanted to be left be.

Damn, killed the thread again... Note to self: Shut the fark up!

^ Sorry!

Went to buy wine.
Now I'm sitting here kicking my own arse.

dammit! i hope i didn't trigger you!? You were doing so well bud!! !

Meh, I triggered myself.
Just can't leave it be.

I gave some to my housemate.
She's cooking honey sesame chicken.
She's a Twenty-one year old university student.
She's the most gorgeous thing, inside and out.
I slept with her once.
Momentarily.

Sounds like she knows how to cook! def a keeper! lol

Well, thank you for filling us in on your bedroom adventures! lol... or was it all just a dream? hehe

^ I sleepwalked into her sheets.

Well, for an excuse, that is rather original! lol

^

I maintain my plea of crazy.

Funny, my last flatmate had a serious head injury and used that as an excuse rather often, but saw right through it rather quickly lol... That wouldn't work with me! lol... but kudos for trying in a rather unconventional way! hehe

Off to go and do something mind numbing for a while.. Maybe back a little later

^ ok, see you later.
I may be drunk by then.
Just a warning.

TATTOOS ! !!
I am psyched that I may have enough money soon to get my back piece fixed up and significantly added to ! !!
I want more tattoos sooooo bad. Not as psyched about having to take my shirt off to do so though, I've had some sh***y little comments from people this week about my barely-there belly fat that make me all self-conscious.
But tattoos ...