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What to eat for lunch.

I noticed that, on one episode of Murder She Wrote, Angela Lansbury appeared with Hunt Block and Alex Hyde-White. The same three actors appeared in the movie Athens, 1896: The First Olympic Games. Hunt Block played Robert Garrett and Alex Hyde White played Charles Arthur Blake in the Athens Movie.

David Caruso, who played James Connolly in the Athens movie, was also in NYPD blue.

In the movie, It Happened in Athens, starring Jayne Mansfield, Greek marathoner Spiridon Louis was played by an actor named Trax Colton, a pretty appropriate name for a runner.

Can't sleep. As usual.

Tonight I keep thinking about this essay I've been reading in a book about girls and AS my therapist let me borrow, and examining a few things it's dredged up from the depths of my long term memory storage.

The first essay I read I scoffed at for various reasons but mostly because the author of this essay used the word "nylons" several times; it was about dating and ASD.

The essay that struck me was written by a woman who had her first baby when she was 16, and described the process of being a parent, balancing a job and college, married/divorced a couple of times, and one of her kids had ASD and reading about her oblivion and the process of navigating getting him a diagnosis while she was undiagnosed made my chest ache because it was like looking at an outside reflection of my own experiences.

But that's not really what I'm thinking about at the moment - I'm thinking about how she eschewed romantic relationships because they were confusing to her and focused more on her career. She said relationships were frustrating and confusing, but a degree and career path are more straightforward and the goals are laid out, and this format is preferable.

That's me, completely. It feels so weird to see a stranger who seems to get me who wrote this years ago hidden away in a book somewhere.

My expectations for marriage were never about passion or "love" (I didn't know what that meant when I was younger). I wanted to have children very badly, and I figured the only way I could do that was with marriage. So, it was a means to an end. When I look back on my romantic relationships they were mostly volatile, with me just trying to get what I could out of them to survive. I was taken advantage of, emotionally/verbally/sometimes sexually abused, and I took advantage of trust and care given to me sometimes even when I knew it was temporary but my partner didn't. There were a few boys/men between my childhood and young adulthood that I had intense crushes on that lasted for years but were never emotionally or physically available (which I'm sure is likely influenced by an insecure attachment style developed in childhood, *thumbs up*). There was one boy I was intensely infatuated with for like five years; when he was finally interested in me for more than sex, my interest waned (in my defense, he was toxic). In the same span of time, I had relationships that lasted a few months at a time. I would get bored, or they didn't meet my (ridiculously high) expectations. I was engaged for five years out of obligation and mostly unhappy. I have been married for three years and it's the only healthy relationship I've ever known (but it wasn't in the beginning and we've had to work super hard to get where we are). I was never really interested in getting married.

I guess I'm just trying think about why I wanted (kind of?) to be in romantic relationships if I didn't intrinsically value them. I'm wondering if it's because it was my only source of validation after my elementary school years when teachers stopped constantly telling me how great I was, and then I had none of that from anywhere in my life anymore? Why do I need validation from a partner? Why do I feel like I need someone to understand me, laugh at my jokes, want to f**k me several times a day, listen to my rants and my day. etc.?

I feel discombobulated. Nothing is making sense to me anymore.

Oof, wrote way more than I meant to, gosh.

Ignoring migraine. Ignoring this sneezing fit. Resisting this weird 'lazy' and 'confused' like state. Ignoring that annoying back neck pain that's been bothering for who knows how long. Never mind that I got fragmented sleep.


Cause screw it, I just wanna change whatever pattern this is.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

Doctor Jekyll and mister Hyde


Precious lil "people" act like they understand but subconscious incompetence



They say "I hope" , like they are doing you a favor, but flapping their trap, doesn't change the outcome



False hope


Cory keeps misunderstanding my email and asking questions already answered. Sometimes no response, short response, or over one week later. Peer pressure, school and work. He manipulated me into community college and it got nowhere

But nobody else to email

Thank Buddha for wrong planet





Yesterday found out car alarm doesn't work again


Today scheduled job interview

Tax associate

In my field

But not going

Paranoid car won't work or something

There's a hiring event five miles away from my house

Not in my field but whatever

Car crash risk not worth it

Risk versus reward


Idiots laugh too much and too loudly

Not many things are funny and they are not too funny

Nor should they be

Went (plus mine and a half servings) last night

Felt bloated


Nothing to do in jail cell

Lie down and play with phone




The older I get the better I articulate how much precious lil "people" are f****d up


Lil drama queen


My stupidass "friend" looked so sad Sunday

Aikido


When she's sick she talks softly and less enthusiastic


She could be contagious




She had the nerve to say "what?" To me


She explicitly asked me what precious lil "people" do that I don't like


Answered

One bad mood and it's over


Bipolar b***h




Emotional attachment

Monopolistic competition

There's a reason I join in with those jokes, it's pathetic. Why judge someone who acts just the same as you do/likes the same things as you do? Why not like that? I don't get it.
*
I really wound him up today
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I don't want KT to go and I'm fed up of this saga
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I want to make a sand sculpture on the beach and I want to get fish to help me draw but I don't like fish and it would be wrong to buy a fish to draw it and not eat it, it would feel like a waste of life
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I don't think people realise that a good drawing can take over a week to produce
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This drawing has a lot of different textures
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Tonight:
1 read first chapter of book
2 if before midnight, colour building

Thinking of the best foods to buy that are rich in fiber and protein.

It hurts to breathe physically sensory overload and evry sound and noise and sensation seems painful

I believe during periods (women type not periods of time generally) i am neurologically unfit for anything properand become very very autistic

My XH is being a great dad. N not angry at me losing keys and messing up plan slightly fr him (though it was fixed in the end) and im grateful

I yelled several times today while trying not to fall into a meltdown

I feel sorry for every one around mw

A 23 yr old boy in my area killed his family yesterday or the day before yesterday
Because he wanted them not to 'live with the shame of having a son like me' he made no effort to hide in fact lefy the door open fr police
His neighbour whp knew him sinxe childhood said he was v nice and helpful n good n 'something very traumatic must have happened' as wella tenant who knew him fr 6 years praised how nice and helpful n kind he was n was shocked this happened .

nd i strongly believe he had. Undiagnosed mental conditions and needed medication n therapy n this tragedy wd not have happened

It's great to see you, Blooie.

I am sure many here share my sentiments.

Do you go away because you're busy with your kids?

I knew with no doubt you would say something pleasant Sir KraftieKortie. Thank you for your graciousness.

Yes but I felt v Autistic recently so I thought it's best to come here for the 'environment'. It's overall healthy.

I hope you and your family are well.

Everybody's fine, thanks.

If you look at the "miss you" threads, you'll see how many people miss you. You're really very well-liked here, to be honest.

Has it been hot where you are? It's been hot here in NYC most of this whole month!

Yes. There was a 2 week outdoor mostly special needs summer camp that I took my kids to and it was too much. I was thinking the buildings might shelter NYC from too much sunshine like trees do but I guess vehicles and crowds add back whatever was mitigated.

The buildings and concrete actually make it hotter in NYC. They don't "shelter" anything.

Usually, when there's a heat wave in NYC, the sun is actually weak because of haze.