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wishing I had a purpose in life my life is pointless and I wish I wasn't alive

Those are USA terms I don't really understand. But keeping out of debt... Well. I am fortunate in that I am not in debt.

I think I could probably budget halfway decently, and I know I would be strict down to the cent about staying within budget, so as long as I could find a place I can afford, I think I could stay debt-free. The only thing is, I can't have any more than $2000 in savings in order to keep getting SSI, so I'm worried that I won't have enough in reserve in case of an emergency.

Went to doctor appointment today

Discussed $$#

Dr said she put in a referral for a neuropsychologist to get me assessed for capacity (learning difference, intellectually challenged)

Government benefits

Told her, itchy skin:. Carpet, polyester, Rolando Morales penis, period, rain

The older I get the more itchy I get

She asked "how often do you shower, once a week?"

Ha, it's been right weeks, as of today

The longest was 216 days, San Diego, age 24. But some swimming.

So I lied and said once a week



Mean, median, mode, what the flying f**k ever s**t


She told me to use Dove soap , Avenn $$$

Sensitive skin

She made an appointment for next week

Wellbutrin, I pushed the wrong button and refilled it, but did not take . Seizures

Cell phone



Worried about $$$$

Ball and chain

f**k and balls

f**k mister redelings penis

f**k Rolando Morales penis





Nobody bothered me today




Applied for a job. Martial arts instructor. They emailed a job interview offer tomorrow and I confirmed but I am not going to go. Because, the public transportation over there is too inconvenient. Thursday when I drove the car, the alarm would not stop. Frantically pushed buttons and it stopped but maybe it just happened to have stopped. Sometimes the window doesn't work or whatever. Likewise I am bad at driving.



My only friend told me that Warren pottebaum asked "how are you?".

Warren used to make me feel special and awesome. Then the lil penis came.

Pseudobulbar affect

There's also one thing I've observed...

My handwriting changed. It was changing -- it has various forms and comparisons between weeks...

It was very unlike more than a month ago, when it's constantly crappy and just eligible enough.


The more in the present, the more legible, the more aligned and the more effortless... Almost just as fast even.

Forcibly writing legibly and aligned causes hand strains and it's also slow. Because my mind is somewhere else be it urgency or stress and would rather do something else in a deeper level.

Was it that my crappy handwriting meant something isn't in sync while writing, it's not merely tension or stress -- something is just isn't in sync and it's in a deeper level of the psyche somewhere?

Despite all my practice, all my attempts to condition my hand to write well aligned more eligible... It was ineffective until recently.


Hmmm...

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

Another thing I've just observed;
Just tonight...


I made confusing mistakes. Since I get to sub this bookkeeping secretary and assistant job, it had to make it right. I won't tell the details of the mistake, because that's not the point here.

Now, I made a confusing mistake. And my boss made several tirades, but I'm so sure he held back as much as possible.
And you know what? I felt nothing. No, I'm not bragging that I don't feel a damn -- I'm confused at this.

So... That's how my ego works. Hard I might add.

My ego is one huge and naughty denier. And it thinks really fast -- fast enough for me to vaguely ever noticed that something's going on.

It's no wonder why I turned alexithymic. Something is going on.
Now I felt more numbing than ever, breathing feels off, and suddenly something else feels tighter.
I'd want it out, but something is preventing me to... But what?


I won't be surprised if there's much more to this.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

According to Hulk Hogan and many other American wrestlers who've spent a lot of time in Japan (including getting snackered every night while remaining highly functional during their stay there), that's how the notoriously drunken Japanese businessmen (including the terrible and deadly Yakuza!) get by despite their legendary alcohol intake. Equal balance of water to alcohol, or at least as much as possible.

Hiro Matsuda (who famously trained Hogan and many others) was famous for drinking at least two six-packs of beer every single night, then getting up at 5 or 6 in the morning and running the single most grueling wrestling dojo in the world at that time, for 6 to 8 hours per day, doing most of the "stretching" himself. Hogan once asked him, "Brother, how can you drink like this and train the way you do?" Matsuda replied, "This is why I have to train so hard... So I can drink like this!"

Jaw sore

Bobby pins, ear, feels relief