Funny, corny joke thread

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Two muffins were sitting in an oven.
One turned to the other and said, “Wow, it’s pretty hot in here.”
The other one shouted, “Wow, a talking muffin!”

What's that green and furry thing that can kill someone if it falls from a tree?

Paddy was working as a trolley man at Asda. "You know, you could aim a bit higher in your career," his wife said. Paddy agreed, and a week later he told her he'd got a new job.
"Excellent, what is it?" she asked.

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

I saw a table with some old junk on it outside someone's house. There a sign that said "Free, take whatever you want"

So I took the table.

Walmart is looking at installing dental offices in their superstores that would include an express lane for those with ten or fewer teeth.

What do you call a book about things you should do?

An ought-o-biography.

This is my 403rd post, but you are forbidden to read it.

...And that would be my 404th, but it doesn't exist.

The internet has been down in my house, so I had to talk to my mother. I was surprised to learn she was no longer working at Woolworths...

(Only people in England will get this)

A man is riding on a horse for the first time. The rancher tells him, "This horse is very well trained and obedient with beginning riders. All you have to do is yell "Holy Toledo!" and she'll gallop. If you want her to stop, just yell "Howdy!"

So the man goes off on the horse, and says "Holy Toledo!", which makes the horse start running. The man laughs and shouts "HOLY TOLEDO!", which makes the horse gallop at full speed across a big field. But then the man looks up and sees that they are quickly approaching a cliff. Terrified, the man forgets the word that was supposed to make the horse stop. He yells out, "No! Stop! Woah!", but the horse keeps galloping towards the cliff, even though she is now also very frightened. Finally the man remembers, and yells out "HOWDY!!" The horse comes to a halt just inches away from what would have been an untimely doom.

The man, panting and sweating from the bad fright he just had at the edge of the cliff, lets out a long exhale of relief as he says, "Hoooooly Toleeedooo!" ...

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

I was standing on the curb, waiting for the bus, bobbing up and down because my bladder and intestines were ready to EXPLODE.
A red convertible screeched to a halt in front of me. The driver was lovely young lady wearing sunglasses.
She said, "Excuse me sir, do you mind going on dates?"
"HOLY MOLEY!" I thought. This young lady, driving this beautiful red convertible just asked me to go on a date! NEVER in my life has this happened to me!
I said "Sure." or at least that's what it sounded like in my head. I think it was more like "S-s-s-s-s-um-sure."
Regardless, she flashed a big toothy smile and said, "Hop in!"
I carefully climbed in, trying my best not to explode in her beautiful car.
She said, "Fasten your seat belts!"
I carefully fasten my seatbelt.
She she slowly pulled out and merged into traffic.
I asked, "So, where are we going?"
She said, "My place."
HER place! I was not ready to deal with this. My brain was racing!
She added, "Yeah. My husband dumped a ton of dates in the toilet, but there is still some room. It looks like you're having an emergency."