What's on your mind right now?

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I did some more work on the 2 gingerbread houses that I was painting last night. I painted a German flag on the back of one of them, because that's where gingerbread houses originated.

I just hope that Hogan's Heroes isn't knocked off MeTV by one of the 4 "New" shows.

Out of the four Monkees, I remind myself of Micky Dolenz. I have a German/Austrian accent and I'm clumsy.

I bet I toe-walked during PE class when I was like 8 and that's how I got my diagnosis. Lousy symptomatic kid I had to be.

I bet teachers and psychiatrists were playing a game to see who could be the first to diagnose me with something.

"Oh, Tamaya's walking on her toes! Ring, ring, autism alert!!"

Toe-walking Tamaya
I watched a video on the I'm Autistic, Now What? YouTube channel, and the creator, Meg, talked about toe-walking.
I was reminded when I was a kid and use to toe-walk. Around age 9 to 12.
BUT
I did it because I was imagining I was a werewolf (like Lon Chaney Jr) walking around.
I still believe it was autism related.
(I found humor in Tamaya's post. I hope she intended it. "Ring, ring, autism alert!!")

I've always toe-walked... I still do.

I have said it before, but it sounds like you were a super cute kid, Tamaya

If I ever needed people, I needed people who treated me more equally.

Than those people who I was forced to put up with and had to depend on as a child.
In fact, it's these people I need to "delete" from my personal history... My parents most especially. Any so called authority figure had to get out of my headspace forever if I wanted to be liberated.

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I shouldn't be comparing myself to the rest of my family. I like different food, different music and different decor than they do. What can be different can be beautiful.

What to say to my doctor about the confusing results
of my CT scan which happened the other day.

I see my doctor later today at 3 PM.

It's that time of the year where I keep on getting paranoid that any tiny bit of nausea I get means I have norovirus. I'm so scared of that, even though I've got through so many winters in my life without getting any virus like that. In fact I probably only had about 2 or 3 winters in my whole lifetime where I might have been physically sick - probably at least 1 or 2 in childhood, and that one time when I contracted norovirus in adulthood from the care home where I used to work.

I am never going to work in a care home again, there are too many viruses that circulate around those places and I'm too scared of them. I love old people but have you ever noticed that same strange smell that hits you whenever you walk into a care home? It's a mixture of poop, food, and hot air. I feel breathing in bus exhaust fumes where I work now is less toxic than the virus-invested air in the care homes. It was so humid in the care home that I'm sure viruses like the norovirus stuck to the air, becoming airborne.

There's someone, closest thing I want to emulate; he is someone I had admired for a long time.

Seen him like a big brother, known him a bit longer online than many, get to know bits of him more than just what he chose to let everyone else see from him.

I accept him as he is -- he doesn't need to accept me back to the same extent; because I really respect him that way.

Of course this made me very much be picky on whatever trait I wanted from him.
I had known what I judge as his strengths and weaknesses were.
Where he's likelier more mature over and what he's likelier immature over...

Technically, I can just steal that from someone.
But I don't want him to lose that for me to gain it. I want to actually have it for myself for real. No metaphysical tricks or anything.

I don't have to have him directly mentor me; even if I technically can ask him to.
Rather, I'd look from afar and make my own conclusions.

He's not my boss, nor a mentor, nor something "closer", nor someone I have to work with. Nor someone too close to care too much.
Maybe that's what I needed instead.
Not for a relationship, but for someone I would follow.

Really -- I've seen quite enough of him to not be disappointed by him throughouly.
Unlike most people in authority -- all unwillfully chosen, all have "responsibility" and "reputation" all have illusions from childhood crapity that lead me to disappointments...

... I don't have illusions or fancyisms towards this guy, even if parts of me perceives him as my superior; he's not of authority.
Closer to equal, sure, but instead I get to choose to perceive him a bit more.

There's no true neediness between the two of us either. He has his own world and I have mine.
Whether he feels the same or not, it is irrelevant.

But truly...
The big difference between my 15 year old self from the now is that the former would still have prospecting thoughts towards him, will over share, wanting to pull him into whatever world I have to deal with.

My current self doesn't. I literally don't need him to be involved in my life nor know my story nor even "be there for me" at all.

I admire him that is all -- respect him so, fully accept him as he is and will be...
Like yeah I truly want to get to know him more, and somehow wanted to learn from him in the process.

But I knew him a little too much to not want to be directly involved.
Nor would inclined to even ask him whatever context -- nope, I won't be so surprised if his thought processes are very much no different than any allistic, with lessons and advices that do not apply to me. He doesn't owe that from me, nor I owe him whatever.

Like sure, in a sense I wanna be like him.
But not all of him since I knew more than just the "admirable" bits, as much as I had accepted him.

It's weird, really.
Like I fully accept him as a human, more than any other. With zero fancyisms around him.



Who knows what was really going on with my head with this..?

Maybe it's just something complicated perception of whatever how I perceive humans and relationships.

Maybe it's woo-woo; like a part of me longs for an elder sibling that never happened in this life. Well, not some soulmate or whatever.
That in another life, it could've had happened for real and imagined it to be this hypothetical elder brother of the same age gap.
That maybe, my soul recognizes this guy is actually living in this world and is fully content with that very fact that he even exists at all.

Like it makes little sense how this guy stood out.
There are many others like him -- of same age gap, of same perception towards me, of same potential upbringing and aspirations, of same developmental trajectories.
Many would be able to do more or less the same, and even better.

So like, why?

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