Make an extremely dark joke.

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I used to be chief executive of a large non-profit-making organisation, but they let me go.
We weren't supposed to be one.

Where did johnny go after getting lost in a minefield?
EVERYWHERE!

Someone once accused me of gaslighting. I told him, "You're crazy!"

A priest, a pedophile, and a serial rapist walked into a bar.

And that was just the first guy!

I was all over Bobby Darin when I was 17; he probably would have wanted me

(This is a true story and I say this everytime I think of those dark times)

I got 3 million dollars from a lottery. I decided to donate a quarter of it to a charity.
Now I have $2,999,999.75

They're talking about using getting stoned to death as a punishment for taking fentanyl. I thought it was just a risk.

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Warning: incredibly dark joke ahead
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I have two jokes.

1. Have you ever seen a blind man swim? Here let me show you.

2. I would like to have kids one day.
I couldn't stand them for any longer than that though.

The UN once made a survey where they asked all the different countries what their opinions were about food shortages in the rest of the world. The survey was a complete flop. Here are the reasons why:

African countries didn't know what "food" was.

European countries didn't know what "shortages" were.

The Middle East, Russia and China didn't know what "opinions" were.

And the USA didn't know what "the rest of the world" was.

Somebody asked me "If you were offered 50,000 dollars, but the person you hate the most would be given 100,000 dollars, would you still take the money?"

I said, "Sure, I don't mind getting 150,000 dollars."

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Scotsman and Paddy Irishman are sentenced each to 100 lashes but as a mercy they're each allowed to pick something to be placed on their backs.

Paddy Englishman is first and when asked what he'd like on his back he just spits at his captor and says "nothing".

He's bound, whipped and in utter agony by the time it's over.

Paddy Scotsman is next and tells his captors he'd like whisky poured over his back because it's the finest antiseptic known to man.

He's bound, whipped and in utter agony by the time it's over.

Finally Paddy Irishman is up. The captors ask him what he'd like to have placed on his back. After a moment of thought Paddy Irishman responds: