Intruvie Thoughts - Friendship, People Having Fun (Long)

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I keep getting thoughts flashed into my head, without warning, of events and stuff in my head. Sometimes they are bad past events, or altered.

Right now, I have picture some girl in school, has a lot going for her, she waking up on Saturday to go to an outdoor sporting event. Her friends are there.

I can sorta feel how she feels, happy, excited, to see her friends.

It bothers me, because I always wanted that, friends. I always wanted to be a girl because girls have a deep bond with other girls. One of the reasons, is that they are open with their emotions, and most guys are not. I also felt I was the wrong gender, for all my life. I know this is awkward as hell to read, especially coming from a guy. I have no one else to talk to, or understand, so I put this in hopes that there is someone else like me and maybe become friends. When I see girls, best friends, getting along, it really bothers me. It also bothers me when I see couples my age, deeply in love, especially if it's a girl I fancy, because I envy it. I know that there are other people, who feel the same way, who get these intrusive thoughts, about other people, having something they want, it it's very frustrating. I thought I was the only one who got these, and thought there was something seriously wrong with me.

Not only can you not have it, but girls give you this bad look, which hurts. From a girls perspective, it's like you dreaming a having a boyfriend, and you keep seeing a guy you fancy, and every time you try, they are like, get lost, and very rude to you.

I feel that I have a curse, because I have more bad luck than anyone else, if the Intrusive Thoughts weren't bad enough, and being socially awkward.
It's really hard to write it, this because people see things differently, they read it differently too, so I come across as a total not job, and a loser. Text has no emotions, and when you don't know a person, we easily judge, but it's the only thing I got to try.

Other Intrusive Thoughts, are this girl back in high school, which I mentioned before. I keep trying to help her. This is in the past, 9 years ago. I can't change it, but I feel that I will somehow end up back in time with a chance to start over, so maybe I'm preparing for it. How, will that happen, I don't know. The world is very confusing for me, and a lot don't make sense. I guess, because I'm addicted to negative, so that is why these thoughts are brought on, it's like a drug. It's like my body needs it, but I don't want it. I want to be positive, but there is a lack of things to do to make me positive at this time. I exercise, but it's hard work, because I'm not used to it, so I get annoyed when I'm always out of breath. I like to focus on something good in the moment.

I think this post has won me the award for the most unusual and awkward person on the forum. As long as I don't get banned for trying.
Positive takes a lot of work, especially if you've been depressed for awhile. I find it said that, I'm so used to be awkward and stuff, that when someone bad doesn't happen, it feels awkward. I think that is one of the things that triggers the negative thoughts. I'd rather get beat up, than have the negative thoughts, because they hurt, worse than physical pain.

When I picture in my head of being happy, it feels good, not awkward. I picture me and my future girlfriend at the cottage, walking, or star gazing, or road trip, and I like the feeling I feel, it's almost like it's actually happening, and I need to focus more on that. No, matter how hard it is. Don't focus on that I don't have it, focus on that I will have it. From a different perspective, and that's what will draw positive in my life.
Those people in my head, I just give the the finger and say f*** you, because they are living in my head, and taking away positivity. The thoughts go away. I need to stay focused on something better. I'll never see or met those people, this girl in high school, she hated me, because I was awkward, and I'm not going back in time, and there is nothing I can do about it. I will met someone, way more awesome than she'll ever be. So, that next time I see her, and reliving a situation in my head, I'll just put up my middle finger and say f you. Than she'll go away, because I don't want to live those situations. That girl I pictured before, having fun with her friends, I'm not her, nor will I ever know her. I'll picture me having my own friends, or picture me and my future girlfriend, in a secluded place, away from the world, enjoying life. No worries.

Why should I worry about things I can't change? They are in the past.
Why should I worry about people having experiences that I at this time, can not? Who says that it never will, the curse? A few bullies?
That doesn't mean that it's true, but if I keep thinking that it won't, than that is much more likely to be true. If I go along with the negative thoughts, than I may as well give up hope, because I'm letting them be in charge and control me. I control my mind, not the other way around. If the curse tell you to do one thing, do the opposite. If it tells you to not share a post, because no one would care, do it.
Those girls, who give me a bad look, just because I look at them, f them. Give them the finger, or wave to them. Probably best to wave to them and tell them to have an awesome day, and if they still judge, than screw them. I wish I could tell them a few things, but you know what, they can't learn and they will keep judging, so I'll be wasting my time. Focus on the genuine girls, the girl I seen last week. There is something good. There is hope, that there are good people out there who don't judge.

The curse wants me to do the wrong thing, the problem is, I can't tell the difference and think it's a good thing. Like doing something, which I feel will make a positive impact, but I get the opposite. The curse thinks it owns me, but really, it only does if I let it. I'm not going to complain about how I don't have a choice, of who I am, and blah blah blah, I will wave to the girl with the bad look on her face, because maybe, just maybe, that she is doing that, barbecue she is judging me, because she gets a lot of problems with guys.
Maybe it's automatic, she sees me, and thinks that I'm gonna hit on her.
Maybe it's because she (same with me), has a problem with the world, and she doesn't know that I'm caring and stuff.
This cycle with these girls, maybe they are getting the same or similar from guys.
Maybe they aren't stuck up, and guys give them problems because of they're weight, and and they think, I'm just another guy.

I want to bring up one thing, which is good, and I should think about this. I made up a positive thought, about having a group of female friends. These girls look tough, so people won't give them trouble, I specifically made that up. The fact is, maybe that is not all just a dream. I also made up that they are the kindest, sweetest girls you could meet. Well, truth is, some girls who look tough aren't mean, and are very kind, so maybe I shouldn't judge too quickly, and give them some more slack. Wave and say Hi. I'm not sure if that's the proper thing to do anymore, to get a girls attention, because it feels that things have changed quite a bit, and people would judge it is something different. But I should also think this: I do what I feel is necessary, and if those girls are nice, and don't judge, and are just looking tough so people won't bother them, than many waving and saying Hi, would get them to respond. Making up a dream or thought about specific types of people, but judging them, is a contradiction, because I'm going against my own beliefs. I will never find a girl by judging her. How can I think about having friends with someone, but if I see someone who looks like the,, I judge them? It's like you dreaming about making peace with enemies, but in real life, fighting them. That isn't trying. That will not help make it reality. I can;t expect people to like me. When I made up this dream about finding having a girlfriend, or friends, I never did think about how we met. It's something that I should probably work on and prepare for, because things don't just happen. It CAN happen, but it won't by thinking negative, and believing it can't. Just remember, that you can't make dreams happen, if you don't work for them.

I can imagine people reading this totally different, from a negative perspective, and trash talk me, that is what I feel. Is it the curse, that it wants me to think that way, maybe.
Maybe, I have a bully hacker, who is watching me type this, and they will edit my post and make me look like a selfish, arrogant fool and get me banned.
Those are conclusions. Conclusions without facts are just opinions, so I'm not going to think like that.
I am at war, with my own thoughts. When a negative thoughts come into my head, don't live it, fight it. I deserve much better than this. No one should go through that. There are 2 wolves in you, a positive and a negative, which ever one wins, is whichever one you feed.

EDIT: This should have went in The Haven.