i find the best way to get myself to actually seek help is to be alone. being tired also helps, i sometimes get more emotional when i'm tired and the increased emotions can help me realize what i'm really going through. tuesday night is what caused me to call my psychologist (although her first available date isn't until late march, but she's the first psychologist/counsellor/whatever i actually think i can talk to and think will understand me so i'll wait) and try to set up an appointment with my school's disability centre (they were closed when i called but i left a message and will call them again today) to give them a second shot at helping me.
so what troubles me? my difficulty with motivation, my difficulty getting things done, my troubles with procrastination, all of which are due, at least in part, to my ADHD. I do worry a bit about my (dis)ability socially but not as much as i used to. My AS diagnosis at first relieved me because i had a name for what has made me so different, then it scared/worried me because i realized i really did have limits and difficulties, which was hard to accept because i've always been superior to my peers in terms of intellectual ability. now i've come to accept that certain situations just aren't for me, and that when i am in those situations i will have trouble and will be uncomfortable, but i've also realized that i've improved a lot over the years socially, i'm a much different person than i was, for the better, and there actually are some social situations in which i feel comfortable and actually interact very well with others.
that's not to say it never bothers me. i still feel lonely quite frequently, i've never had a girlfriend and that bothers me, and my difficulties in social situations do get me down sometimes, but i'm doing a lot better than i was.
i also frequently deal with depression. lately i've been having a lot more suicidal thoughts. i'm not contemplating suicide, i 've just been thinking about it more lately because i've been more depressed lately (and more frequently depressed, it comes and goes somewhat frequently).
"why am i so lost" speaks to me a lot right now. i don't know what the hell i want to do and it's been profoundly bothersome. i don't know what kind of advice to offer you since everyone's depression is different in cause, manifestation, and cure. all i can say is what works, or what is true, for me.
you may receive comfort in the fact that you won't always be depressed, that it's just a state of mind or state of body and is not permanent. exercise helps me a lot. when i get depressed i lose motivation and sometimes stop working out, which only aggravates the problem, so i have to drag my ass out to the gym and i force myself to work out. i find the best thing for me is long cardio pieces because that's what gets the endorphins going which is what makes me feel good. when i get really depressed i'll force myself to do at least an hour of cardio every day and that usually has a significant effect on my mood.
it's also important not to get caught up in those negative positive feedback thought loops. this is the most difficult thing for me and it's so easy to just keep thinking bad things and spinning in circles just making yourself feel worse, but they're very detrimental and you should try to avoid them. this doesn't mean ignore your thoughts, you should address your concerns and emotions to try to find the root of your depression but don't destroy yourself with negativity.
hope you start feeling better soon, you're not the only one who feels like that at times, and definitely not the only one who feels like that right now.
12 Feb 2009, 12:13 am
