Women, Aspergers and Sex Drive

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I agree. There could be lots of other factors coming into play. I'm 57, and I still have the same strong sex interest I've had all my life, since early teens.

I have a really high sex drive.

Ladies, my issue is my better half, he has NO sex drive, and I have one! Even when I come out and ask (I'm NT he's AS) he will say OK, but that's all he says, after that, it's business as usual, and NO monkey business. I feel very humiliated and unloved, but don't even know how to approach the subject. Of course, I'm pretty miserable it's been more than four months now (I've asked nicely two times). IS THIS typical for an AS male, or is it just ME????

I don't have much of a sex drive and when I was more sexual, it was to keep my partners interested in me. I'm a bit grossed out by bodily fluids and sex is much more of a task to me than it should be. I'd rather cuddle!

I don't think it is typical for anyone, NT or AS. He might be asexual. Have you asked him? It could be a hormone problem too, has he always been like this?

Yes, hormone levels are normal.

I'm at my wit's end. Can I do this the rest of my life? Sometimes I don't think so.

I haven't asked again, don't want to be humiliated and rejected, or just basically neglected. It's hard for me to ask these things to begin with (feeling that I shouldn't HAVE to ask for sex), and then to have those requests ignored? Not sure what the real issues are, it just feels like I'm being ignored. I can only guess what's really going on, since there's not much communication about such things, and not sure even how to approach it anymore, without being hurt and humiliated even more.

I should just get my lady parts removed, then it just wouldn't matter to me anymore, either.

A~

na, just get a good vibrator and its all good They don't break your heart, or reject you...They aim to please and that the vibrator does But in all seriousness, I understand what you are saying, I've never been with a guy in my life physically ever...And I'm 26 for crying out loud...Oh well...*buzzz*

I thought there was a very strong anecdotal correlation between asexuality and Aspergers/Autism.

What with the sensory issues, it would certainly make sense.

I'm an Asexual Aspie, and let me tell you this- asexuality.org is FULL of aspies, mostly women.

my deal is that it takes me a long time to calm down my aspieness in order to want to be touched at all...about 2hrs of just hanging out together in the same room beforehand - like, watching tv together, for instance...but once i finally do calm down? - watch out!...seriously, then i just can't get *enough*! ! TMI? oops.

whereas, my NT boyfriend of 5yrs. (of whom i'm extremely sexually attracted to) thinks i should just automatically want to get down to business as soon as he walks in the door...i tell him that's what prostitution was invented for.

I have read that Aspie women tend to either not like sex or adore it. I think it may be the same as any sensory thing we have. We can be overwhelmed and tormented by some imput: we can absolutely adore other sorts. For instance: having to listen to other people's loud music drives me into frantic despair, but I love my own music loud on my headphones.

I really do not want this to become a thing of, "You can't be an Aspie woman if you enjoy sex." I have always wanted sex, but for decades my inability to get close to anybody meant it was off the menu. The very, very few times I had any sensual contact, it was generally with men who had "rules" about where and when I touched them - men who were probably verging on the asexual themselves. So I felt dirty and rapacious. A few months ago however I got a boyfriend, and he likes sex even more than I do. And it's fantastic. There really isn't anything better in the world. I adore it. The only problem is that now I'm looking at men anew and wanting more sex with more people - even with women, maybe. I fell like, in middle age, I've been let off the leash. In reality I know it's all fantasy - but there it is.

I think that the common factor is this: we go to extremes in everything. And the all-or-nothing, black-and-white thing extends to sex.

But on a slightly different topic - I know a man who is, I am pretty sure, Aspie, who HATES being touched and certainly does not fancy me at all. I feel a bit guilty about finding him extremely sexually attractive. Is it the unattainable? Does he remind me of Dad (also a Spectrumite?). Also he has at times looked at me with utter hatred in his eyes - and that turned me on incredibly. Weird. Not happy to find this strand in the weave of my sexuality. Not at all.

Sex drive is about many things and can be affected, possibly by AS, also by previous experiences, level of maturity, age, health, diet, environment, time of day, day of week, week of month, month of year, bereavement, guilt, anger, distractedness, etc., you get the idea.

It's understandable you'd feel humiliated and unloved; that's natural. Likely he's not trying to humiliate you. How much of your feelings have you communicated with him? Are you married to him? How important is it? It's not easy to talk sex with the person you have sex with. It's one of the hardest to discuss when there's issues needing ironed out. I feel for you in that regard. You probably feel like he should know that four months is too long for you. Maybe he doesn't know.



I think the question might be, do you want to do this the rest of your life?



I understand. Still, you have to be the one to open the communication lines on this. And, if you're planning on sticking around, get to the root of the problem. Many people get defensive when faced with the questions about why they're not screwing you, so it might be a good idea to prepare yourself for defensive speaking, i.e., body odor, personal appearance. Not saying he'll say anything like that, but it's never a bad idea to be prepared, and prepared to ignore it and push past it. Get to the root of the problem and be prepared to help with it. Any number of reasons at all is why he's not screwing you. It very well may have nothing to do with you. Stand up for your conjugal expectations, there's NOTHING wrong with having a sex drive and wanting to fulfill it. There is something wrong with remaining in a relationship with someone who isn't screwing you, if you think that it's that important.
As far as having your lady parts removed, stop it with the pity-party. Really. Ever heard of female genital mutilation? Ever heard of life-saving hysterectomy? And just because one dude isn't screwing you doesn't mean there isn't 2,000 dudes who will - and many of those dudes will treat you well, enjoy time spent with you, spend their life you, be intimate with you, have children with you. One AS dude doesn't represent all AS dudes. If he's wearing Nikes, don't expect all AS's to wear Nikes.

Speak for yourself.

And no, evolution is NOT aided by every single member of a species reproducing, that's a complete bastardization of evolutionary theory.

There is literally nothing I can say I hate more than having sex.

Each to their own, right.

"Regular" people can vary wildly between being borderline addicted to it, where as to some people it's unthinkable to enjoy it or want it. I personally don't see a reason why it would be any different for an Aspergian.

Personally, I'm quite open about it at least. I enjoy talking about it, probably more than I should - and I certainly have no problem engaging in it. No problem related to sex-drive itself, at least, there might be other things but they're more related to confidence and uncertainty, and that sort of thing. I used to have a thing with masturbation where it became a strong habit that I couldn't seem to break out of - of course people would tell me that it's a healthy thing to do etc etc yadda yadda, but when it starts affecting the rest of your schedule it's a problem. I don't know if that was really related to sex drive though, I sort of doubt it was.

But in short; I don't think it's really that related. If anything I feel like I'm more open about the topic, it's not a big taboo topic for me, I don't mind talking about it - and in a way, that sometimes work as a catalyst for it, so indirectly it kind of stimulates an interest in it, wanting it.

I do have to say I feel upset when I read about people who hate it, aspergian or not, it can be such a nice thing.

I do not have any desire to have sex. No idea why, but i have no interest in it or anything romantic. Hugging, a smooch, and what I guess could be called stationary cuddling is all I ever am okay with doing. At 23, I really should be busy buying birth control pills and making sure my boyfriend has condoms, haha. But instead, my last two relationships have failed because of my no-making-out issue. I am sick of the drama of relationships! No more for me for a long time, thank you very much.

I had no sex drive until the age of 17, where I was bombarded with hormonal urges to do it! Ugh, it was so annoying...
It's evened out now, I think that I had repressed all sexual urges for a while because I was under the belief that sex was wrong and scary, and it came in so suddenly that it was frightening and overwhelming.
I feel like I could have sex now, but true intimacy is still a bit too much for me. I just don't feel comfortable enough with myself for that.
Not that I plan on having sex any time soon, I am happy to be a virgin.

I don't have much sex drive at all, until I meet someone I really feel connected to. Then I get SO HORNY! But only for them