Being nice

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I am feeling quite useless at the social games too, its like something I cant learn, no matter how many times it happens, I am saying the wrong things. Im holding out for a break/vacation, I'm just tired.

Im glad you got away from that type of self harm Androbot.

** Man Butting In **

In the Navy, we would call it the "Queen Bee Syndrome", where the women in every work group would verbally snipe at each other to see which one would be socially "in charge" of all the other women in that group. It was comical to watch.

** Man Bowing Out **

Amity, sometimes it helps to have a few fall-back responses to make to gratuitous criticisers. For example, if someone is rude enough to criticise what you are wearing, you could respond in a kind of neutral voice: "Oh, it's interesting that you think so" or "Hmmm, I'll think about that" (then disengage/move away as soon as you can).

Criticisers don't want neutral responses like that, they want angry or wounded ones. So give them neutral ones, when possible. It may help to practice them a bit at home first, to get the tone and pace just right! It sends a message without giving them the pay-off they were seeking (you getting upset/defensive/shrinking).

That's how I answer criticism, too.

Fnord -Thats sort of whats happening in work, my boss is happier to have everyone sniping at each other vying for her pet positions instead of having the divide between her and the staff.

B19 I did try my version the neutral response, with one of them (the first time) I said 'oh I just like wearing black', the second time though I told her that I must just like wearing black on the days she works (meaning other days I wear different colours), she naturally interpreted it as an obvious insult. Yes some practicing "Oh, it's interesting that you think so" might be a good idea.

Hi Kraftie

*Another man butting in, feel free to tell me to go away*

Once I worked in an almost exclusively male environment in which (for too complicated reasons to explain here) any openly aggressive, confrontational etc behaviour was completely forbidden. The vast majority of them were extremely passive-aggressive and displayed the whole spectrum of what people seem to see as stereotypically "catty" female behaviour: gossip, backstabbing, back-handed or snide comments and a bag of chips.

I think social conditioning can play an important part, and (some) males, if not allowed to manifest in an openly competitive and confrontational way, adopt the same passive-aggressive methods as (some) females. There are still people (regardless of sex) who can see beyond such things and choose not to participate, be it by virtue of a truly good heart or a sharp, analytical mind.

^^ You are alright Bender, there is an unusual dynamic to my workplace and your post has helped me to understand something that I couldn't think of a PC way to ask about... but the answer is that some women have more testosterone than others.

Thanks

There's also a hormonal recompense for such behaviours, and some people thrive on confrontation and conflict, in any form they can have them... just another type of adrenaline junkies.

I have often thought that they were like adrenaline junkies.

To me, the sniping at work is frequently about their (erroneous) vision of self-preservation.

People who are, by default, suspicious of others' motives, tend to get involved in more petty sorts of situations.

Yes self preservation is a must do, contract work has quite a few negatives, it reminds me of being in an environment where resources are limited. There is an underlying tension all the time.

The person with the key to the stationary closet has the ultimate power, lol, I'm super careful not to upset her.

I agree with this. Most places I have worked have been like that and I've seen this behavior in men as much as women...maybe even a bit more so from the men in some cases. Management usually sets the tone and if they have issues it just trickles down from there.

When the work environment is bad overall, sometimes people interpret everything at work through that context. So you can have every intention of being nice to someone, but if they were just treated rather snippily by 3 other people they are more likely to interpret you as being that way too. It can be the same on a forum, when a discussion gets heated, in that context it can seem like everyone is arguing.

^ Being snippy is a subjective thing then, the subtle nuances know no end... Its a minefield.

The way I analyze this sort of exchange is that she is drawing attention to you in a way you don't like. If you say you like wearing black, a lot of people will interpret that as you explaining yourself and the focus is still on you!

Focus needs to be directed away from you, either onto her or to something else. "It's interesting that you think so" is a really great line because you are drawing attention to her, but it is so vague that not much can be inferred from it.

Its like playing a game of ping-pong, back and forth with a quick verbal exchange.

Im not great at ping pong, my coordination is woeful, but similar to other things I can pick up a few skills to get me by, like "It's interesting that you think so" .

About the male/female thing: I live in one of the most gender equal places on the planet, and I see a lot of this behavior in men here. I agree with the posters who think it is about powerlessness.