Asperger's in a male partner = abuse/neglect/apathy?

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I don't consider myself in any way obligated to go out with men with the similar neurologies, and I don't think any other woman out there should either. I'll also add that there are plenty of intelligent and well spoken women out there not on the ASD spectrum.

As for the rest of this thread-

1. Correlation isn't causation, and there are plenty of abusive and neglectful non-autistic men.

2. Simon Baron-Cohen is an idiot. If autism is really about the extreme male brain, then why am I not a female to male transexual? He's also said ridiculous crap about autties lack self-awareness, and can't engage in deceptive practices. Not to mention the fact that he's also confused development with evolution, autistics do not evolve differently, not remotely, it's how our minds develop that is the issue here.

My dad's an Aspie (undiagnosed, but it's pretty definite, he scores high on the tests for it and everything) and he is incredibly gentle and warm. I think it depends more on the guy who has the AS, not the AS itself.

I do too....I'm convinced that my ex (who had Asperger's) would have been just as much of an a**hole even if he was NT.

In my case, my ex was "faking NT" in an attempt to get a girlfriend. He took me out dancing, cooked a meal for me, we went to parties together, etc. He was attentive and physically affectionate. But he was only able to keep up the effort for about 2 months, and by the time we moved in together he was spending all of his time on his computer. He never went clubbing or cooked me another meal again.

That must be very common. Faking NT-ism is pretty much what we're told to do by the dating experts, isn't it? I'm uneasy about the whole idea of putting on a show to impress someone for exactly the reason you describe. It will be too much effort to keep up.

Yet all the advice is that if you are ignored and rejected, then you simply *must* put on a different act. Sure some say 'be yourself', but that doesn't work for most Aspies, either. Everybody else is putting out the peacock feathers so you have to act louder to get noticed. As you say, my 'real' self would never go clubbing or anywhere bright and noisy ...although I'd have no problems with cooking a tasty meal of beans on toast for someone I respected.

The, to me, unsolvable problem is that the only chance of finding someone is by putting on an act. But that will find the wrong person! The alternative is to try and remain sincere to myself, no act, but with the knowledge that it attracts nobody.

This is an interesting thread, I have also read that the opposite can be true...in other words, I keep reading that AS women tend to do better with AS men. (Don´t know if this is true? Have read it a few times, though). I am from the generation that came before a diagnosis, so I am self-diagnosed at the moment. I´ve been truly wondering if I should find a nice Aspie man, because I tell you, I have had simply disastrous luck with NT men! Though they are "men", they seem to be mostly over-emotional to me, and in a more difficult way than women because at least women talk about their emotions, whereas men in a relationship often try to hide their emotions and it´s up to the woman to figure them out. I, myself, tend to be more logical...in fact, I have been told by some men that I am "too logical" Although I also do have emotions, they just seem to follow a logic. Another problem I´ve had with NT men is the game-playing, and the expectation (I think?) that I also play games, which I hate to do, or can´t. So...I think it all depends on how you look at it.

Of course, there are some really nice NT men out there, like my father, brothers, and some friends...which is why it´s generally better not to generalize people, I guess, and that also includes AS people. Which brings me to another point: what about all the relationships with people with Asperger´s Syndrome that are successful? There must be some, but then again, they wouldn´t be publicized, would they...Generally, in the media one hears more about the complaints and discord in life...I guess it "sells"...

Just wanted to stand up for the guys here and say that the cruelty, abuse, and manipulation some of those women refer to is definitely not "just part of AS". Those men are jerks, regardless of how their brains work. And of course, there's always the possibility that the women may not be so blameless themselves. My guy is kind, generous, intelligent, loving, dependable, loyal, and trustworthy. He listens. He cares about how I feel, even if he's unsure of how to react to it. He's always interesting, fun to be with, and has never done anything to intentionally hurt me, or anybody else. He's completely genuine and I'm thankful every day to have him in my life.

That said, I can see the other side of this. The boy and I were having a lot of issues with not being able to understand each other, and for a while it felt like we were emotionally disconnected - a common sentiment among the women having problems. This sorted itself out once we both learned how to be more direct and remain calm. At the same time, he's the only person I have ever met who I've felt truly connected to, and that bond has only grown stronger. For these women, the main thing is that their needs are not being met. They are lonely. They're realizing that any hope they might have had that their partner will one day be able to provide the physical affection/conversation/attention they require is gone, and they're mourning for what never was and will never be. I might also have AS, or at least have very similar traits, so that might be the difference, but I think it just comes down to compatibility and personality. For example, my boyfriend is extremely affectionate, and that's important to me. His not touching me would be a dealbreaker. But he's been told by NT girls in the past that he was too affectionate. It's all about finding two people who balance each other out naturally, not by pretending to be someone they're not or hoping for change. Personally, I don't know if I could ever go back to being in a "normal" relationship (hypothetically - I intend to keep this one). This feels normal to me.

In my experience males with AS don't the best boyfriends make. My ex, who was diagnosed since the age of eight, could be very abusive at times.

Let's just get it clear it was never physical he did hit me once, but there were extenuating circumsatnces, he didn't realize I was behind him and his fist made contact with my nose. In short it was completely accidental. If anyone in the realtionship was phtsically abusive it was me.

He was mainly verbally and psycho-emotionally abusive. He would call me names or quip at me whenever I got upset about something. He would get bad and talk down to me like I was a mentally challenged child when things that could happen to any NT or aspie (losing a wallet/piece of I.D., etc) happened. And I don't mean jsut a little comment in the moment, he would carry on for like 15, 20 minutes basically telling me how immature, ireesponsible and stupid I am. He also always had a comment to make comparing how I reacted to certain situation/occurences and how he reacted forgetting that at the time we were together, he had had his dignosis for 10 years already which meant he'd been through corrective therapy to learn how to better curb his reactions to things emotinally or otherwise.

That's my experience with Aspies which is why I'm wary of getting involved with another one. Not to lessen the point of this thread but in honesty I'd rather involve my self with a physically abusive aspie because I could disconnect thus not internalizing the abuse and realize that being beaten is not my fault, whereas, for me, when the absue is verbal or psycho-emotional I do internalize it and believe it is my fault, that I am a f**k-up and I do desrve it.

I've acknowledged the mistake of winding up with abusive guys. Their abuse wasn't my fault, but being in the abusive situation was partially my fault, due to the fact that I agreed to be with them. I feel like I have a tendency to really spark up a conflict with someone who is abusive, out of control, or domineering just to bring it out of them and have a real excuse to get away from it. I have a sort of a "show me what you got, so there's no denying it" mentality with male abusers, but I'm not willing to take a hit from a guy. Male manipulation is not an easy thing to always stand up against when you feel desperate for a friend or lover. I think having Aspergers caused some unneeded desperation in my life when I should have been accepted by a peer group and learned to accept them as well. Being a downcast or an outcast makes a woman an even easier target for male violence. It will most surely happen with NTs and Aspies alike. The frustrating difference of having AS is one reason why an AS male could become a violent issue, especially if he did not understand how or what was causing his frustration. The immediate answer is whomever he is mostly frustrated around or with, even if he's projecting anger at that person for his own problems. If women suspect AS, and the male they are with is abusive, the thing to do is to get out and resist the urge to help them. The woman may be able to map the entirety of the problem from A to Z, but will never be able to completely break down that barrier between her and the male due to the male's unwillingness, and not her own effort. Males are wired to accept rejection a bit better than females, so don't worry about hurting his feelings, even though he may have an extremely sensitive side or be totally dependent on the female somehow.

I haven't had luck with AS guys or ones who had many AS traits. NT males treated me with much more respect and attention. I'm not sure why it's been like that. I think AS males are more narcissistic and emotionally cruel, and I suspect it is due to hatred toward their mother.

The few AS males I've encountered who were sincerely nice, or at least honest, are guys who have/had loving and compassionate mothers. The rest of them who have had the stereotypical refrigerator mom are the worst guys I have ever encountered. Although they act nice, underneath they are mean and vindictive. They don't trust females and so they lie to them about who they are.

I never suffered so much damage to my self esteem before I got emotionally involved with an AS male. I'm stronger though and I'm not bitter about it. It is what it is.

I don't see how this is restricted to men. I'm sure it happens more often with AS men, but I have always been told by guys I'm dating that I "don't care".

Kirska, I've run into the same thing.

I've dated guys who wanted to play boyfriend/girlfriend, and suddenly were asking if I'd do their laundry, or start acting weird in a protective or dominant way. When I stood my ground, or enforced boundaries around my time (I was not going to put up with calls every day), the little comments would start about what a girlfriend would do.

Out the door they went.

Part of this is I'm not like mainstream women, and another is the Aspie need for time to come down. Beginnings of relationships suck for me...and not in a good way. I always feel worn out.

The other thing I'm seeing in this thread is the age. My therapist said that in general Aspies are far younger emotionally than their peers, and there's no story or therapy or role play that will get around that. She said she has worked with people in their twenties who were really more 13 or 14 years emotionally. Maybe that's why there's such a disconnect between someone with AS and someone without.

And there's already enough games being played in the late teen to late twenties dating scene to screw a person up. An Aspie is just going to have trouble unless he or she knows how to communicate certain things and deal with extreme emotional situations, and understand that some people aren't going to get it.

Metta.

Yeah thankfully my husband got used to it. He calls it my "manstincts" because he's noticed many things I do that are typically a male instinct, like if we're walking on a sidewalk I go to the street side when a woman typically wants the guy on the street side.

He's emotional like a woman is supposed to be though, so we balance each other out, almost like our roles are switched.

AS has absolutely nothing to do with it...if a guy's a jerk, he's a jerk, AS or not...he might be a jerk in a different way...but he's still a jerk...

i would suggest that any NT partners look around for some co-morbid conditions, depression, sociopathy etc as they are far bigger problems than AS...many AS people have been treated badly in this world so depression can develop...

to sum up...AS on it's own is not the problem, we are not cruel, emotionally distant (in fact some of my aspie friends are the most emotional people i know) and stop lumping us all together as some kind of sociopathic, cruel group...x

Precisely. AS is NOT a personality. It is a neurological disorder/difference/abnormality/condition/whatever, nothing more.

I have been abused more by NTs than NAs(neurologically a-typical), but that's not because NTs are bastards. It might be because I haven't met enough NAs. We all have the potential to be abusive, and sometimes we don't realise we're doing it, or acting in a way that others could see as abusive.

In short, ppl can be a***holes, no matter what they have "wrong" with them.