Difficulty with sex...even though the desire is there?

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I love the idea of sex...and i even enjoy sex sometimes...but I often cannot have an orgasm. I always can when I masturbate, which I do alot. I find it easier at times. i love having sex but often resent that I can't orgasm. Can anyone relate?

I think that's pretty normal for everyone. Masturbation works better because you know your own body, there's no distractions (the other person), and your mind has one goal and one goal alone - to get yourself 'off '.

Maybe you don't focus enough on your fantasm.Think about something that sexually arouse you.Again,I'm a male,so maybe it won't work for you.You could also try different positions,or try masturbating different parts of your...body...Think of what please you...

Show your partner what you like by masturbating infront of them, so they know how you like it- so they can help you achieve orgasm more often.

I have this issue, as well. And, I am surprised that there aren't more responses! It would be great to hear more feedback on this issue. I was told by a female friend that maybe I think too much, and need to concentrate on the act more. I have also started taking some Chinese herbs, to see if that will help.

I find its very mental with me cause I would almost orgasm thinking intently of a sexual scenario. Kissing really helps, especially if I have my partner sitting and I can straddle him. I find the intimacy arousing even if I don't move that much. If he is controlling the rhythm I prefer it slow and hard and consistence is key. I can help too by putting my hands up against the headboard or wall and forcing myself back on him.

The position with the legs on the guys shoulders feels so incredible but it also got my partner off quick too every time so I never orgasmed that way.

Everyone is different so you may have to adjust the the angle of penetration, use pillows underneath if you need too. You may prefer it fast, slow, hard, soft. You may want to be on top or backwards. Some positioning might seem odd or unnatural at first but don't stop experimenting. It should not be painful either so plenty of foreplay or use lubricant if need be.

I heard that certain positions, like the missionary one, causes guys to orgasm very quickly. I think it's true!

Funny, I would have thought this would be in the adult forum. Oh well.

I would respond to this if men couldn't read this forum.

Double post. I've got to stop hitting the "back" button.

Last edited by greenlandgem on 26 Sep 2010, 8:28 am, edited 1 time in total.

Its a combination of position and arousal that stimulates his reaction and missionary is just the common position. If I'm not aroused or interested, like being too tired, it could take him awhile.

I heard of a study that it takes about sixty thrusts for a guy to ejaculate. I guess that's how some nurses were able to get pregnant from lethargic soldiers during wartime.

I see know reason to share if it benefits another, man or woman.
I only had books to learn from cause all the women I knew kept saying that orgasms were unlikely for the majority or that you could only have them one way.

i have a great deal of difficulty. it took nearly 6 years to get to orgasm with a man (4 years with my husband). and to this day it rarely happens during regular intercourse, except for a handful of times with about an hour or foreplay and significant self-stimulation during the act. most of the time, if i want to get there, i have to bring in the heavy machinery or get a significant amount of oral assistance.

i have a package of issues.
emotional: dealt with sexual abuse and rape in the past.

mental: i felt like there was something wrong with me when it didn't happen the first few times, because in books and movies it is so easy. some friends seemed to have it easier too. this led to a cycle of self-hate. also, some men did not want to work that hard at it for me. and i didn't always feel like i was worth it.

social: nervousness and feeling watched or observe. feeling on display.

physical: SSRIs and beta-blockers can both cause anorgasmia. AND..... i recently came across something enlightenng called the C-V distance (aka "rule of thumb"). it is a measurement of distance between the clitoris and vagina. only 7% of women orgasm during sex from intercourse only, and it seems that those women have a magical measurement of 2.5 cm between the clit and the vag. i'm sure you can guess, my measurement is nowhere near this distance.

C- V Distance Link

okay, so i probably just over-shared TMI. but i hope other women can relate to some or all of this.

i have a theory about why female orgasms are so difficult to attain, but this post is long enough.

Although I have not have had numerous sex partners, heck, I'm 42 I have had a few...and I was married before...I will say that I have truly only had an orgasm with "normal" sex with my current husband...I believe it is more of a mental thing for me...I am truly fascinated by him...I find him and his personality incredibly sexy...we've had some hard times, but I have to say the sex has been pretty great 90% of the time...hey, we're getting old and a bit slow...haha...but, I do believe it really has something to do with a mental thing for me...he is not the most attractive of the men I dated...actually, probably quite the contrary...crap, I hope he doesn't read this...hehe...most everyone I know will say, "wow your ex husband was a babe, such an such was a babe, blah, blah" but mentally it wasn't there...it is with him...

I really want to know your theory on why many women don't have orgasms?

hey thanks! i always have silly theories about medical and social stuff.

NOTE: my theory can only help to explain the purpose of difficulty reaching orgasms in cultures where the partners have sex before marriage, and where the woman has access to multiple partners. it also only hopes to explain the difficulty behind orgasm, not those cases where it is impossible for a woman to reach climax. it's based entirely on my own opinions, informal research, and observations.

THEORY: first of all, during and after orgasm a woman releases a large amount of hormones that help to enhance bonding with her partner. although these hormones build up and are released before and during the sex act as well, they are largely released in a cascade at the peak of orgasm and in the moments following.

therefore, a woman who has an orgasm with a man is more likely to have warm feelings of attachment. if she does not have an orgasm, she has a lesser sensation of bonding, if at all.

i think that this bonding feeling is a way for a woman to assess a man as a future caregiver of her and her children. i think that if a woman does not have an orgasm with a man, she is less likely to view the man as a positive caregiver. a man who has given a woman an orgasm may seem to be a more selfless, giving, caring, thoughtful person; one who can understand that woman's particular needs.

it seems to me that if a woman found it easy to orgasm with every single man she had intercourse with, she would strongly bond with each and every one, regardless of whether his manner, physique and personality was well-suited to her physical, emotional, and sexual needs.

i think that considering the difficulty that the majority of women have, with achieving orgasm, it is a natural way for a woman's body and brain to help select an appropriate mate. a man who puts in the time and effort, and who also fits a woman's own needs and rhythms, may very well be a very good partner in other ways.

the final important note is that recent research demonstrates that a woman's cervix actually 'dips' into the pool of sperm when she has an orgasm... which *may* mean that she would be more likely to get pregnant with a man who can give her an orgasm. should this also prove to be true, it supports my theory. the man who brings a woman to orgasm is more likely to father her children.

essentially, although the female orgasm may not serve an easy-to-discern evolutionary function, the difficulty involved in reaching female orgasm may be the true function. in considering my theory i pondered this: how do i feel about a man who brings me to orgasm, and how do i feel about a man who does not? and which man would i rather marry?

p.s. my theory has some gigantic holes in it, like how accidental pregnancies could stymie the process, and other problems...

Very interesting! I've never had one, and am married now and it (and my lack of desire in general) def. causes problems All these people in movies act like it's the most amazing thing, and guys get them so easily...My husband has commented he doesn't feel like I'm his wife sometimes, so I'm sure that "bond" is missing even on his part from not giving me one, but I've tried everything in my power and sometimes I just break down crying or feel scared. If only men just liked to cuddle like cats heh.