Should I

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Hi,

I'm a forty eight year old woman with Asperger's. I was diagnosed at forty and to say it changed my life in many positive ways would be a gross understatement. After a couple of years of coaching I decided to go back to school to get a four year degree and possibly even a masters. It has been rough, but I love going to school. The irony being I hated school with every thing that I had when I was growing up as it was a source of confusion and torture to me. I have been living in a heterosexual partnership for eighteen years. He has ADHD so we have our share of communication issues but he is the only person I have been able to connect with. Last year at this time he had a quadruple bypass right after Christmas. It was a life saving operation. Now a year later he has been diagnosed with COPD. He stopped smoking a year ago but had smoked heavily for thirty years, the damage was already done.

I know he likely has several good years left but he can't work etc and will likely end up on long term disability.

The reason I am explaining all this is that school takes a lot of time and money. Part of me wants to go to school desperately but another part of me feels I should settle in to my current job (which I hate) and spend as much quality time as I can with him. My only other family is my daughter from a previous marriage that ended up begin raised by my ex husband and an alcoholic brother four states away.

I have a lot if interests and was going to school for computer science but had issues keeping up. I had decided to change my major to philosophy or english literature, two other strong interests and I have had one story published at college level. My thinking is with a lot of work I could write at home and spend more time with him rather than commute to classes several nights a week. Am I cheating my self. Am I using him as an excuse to give up?

I don't know if I am being realistic or obsessively overthinking (which I am awesome at bahhh). I don't have any friends that I can talk to about this. I only have work friends and my psychologist/coach whom I respect immensely but I think this is a female situation.

Maybe this is just an NT life scenario. I just feel totally lost.

I could not stay in a job I completely hated if I had any choice at all without hating myself, too. And probably the people around me. If you truly hate it, find nothing good about it, then do the school piece if you can. I there are things you like about the job, even the people, then the decision is much more complicated.

It's hard to pretend. I just think working more hours then you're awake with the man you love if you hate work is too much pretending to sustain.

I keep the job because I can afford to pay the bills and the big read health insurance flag. One thing about being a drone in a large corporation is the benefits are generally quite good.

But you're right. Every day I sit down to begin I feel like a few more bits of my soul have shriveled away and I have begun to fear I will run out all too soon.

I've recently come to the realization that the reason I've been depressed for the past year is I spent a good deal of it caring for him and living in fear I would come home to find him dead after a short run to the grocery store etc.

I've read and at times expereinced the over the top loyalty of the Aspergian Female. We tend to be too loyal and subsequently shortchange ourselves without thinking twice about it. I don't think that's the case with this. I think I know when I am being taken advantage of but won't look at it. This doesn't feel like that at all. I feel like spending time with him is the right thing and the best thing. School is the want thing that I think should probably think of a need thing.

I don't even know if this all makes sense....

Maybe it's best to spend the time with him. I guess I would be afraid, it's hard and it's frightening being alone. Someone posted about wanting to suicide in The Haven today, and I thought how fortunate I am, could see it more clearly reading his post.

The thing is, you stand to lose your partner, and that for me would interfere with the quality of time remainng. Because I would be preoccupied with the future loss---like being afraid of coming home and finding I'm dead. It's a tough balance to find, and either way is right, and wrong.

But if you have an interest you are pursuing, you stand a chance of meeting people you can connect to. Loss feels so much harder when there isn't anything to fill the emptiness. So for me, from what you've described, I would want to spend the time with him. But that would cause me to become frightened of losing him more, maybe unless we were doing things we both really loved. So I might decide to go with school. I would feel guilty, and a sense of loss. But I might do it anyway. Would depend whether he could manage on his own, too, of course. If he can't, and you are home caring for him, maybe finding a caregivers group would help some. Because losing him and being alone would be too hard. For me anyway. Especially combined with a job you hate. But too much change is hard, too. I don't think there is a wrong answer. I know you are struggling. Find something that nurtures you. Doesn't have to be everything at once.

folks with COPD can live for many years. how long are you willing to put off your dreams? have you discussed the situation with your guy?