"O Hell No"

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I have a problem.

I can't tolerate orgasms. It's not that I can't have them, it's that I don't like them. Too much stimulation. It's not him (well, it IS him in the sense that between verbal/emotional abuse and his refusal to even look at the emotional problems he has or try to do anything about them I just don't trust him any more, but not in the sense that he's bad in bed), it's me. Too much stimulation. I can't even bring myself to masturbate to the point of orgasm-- it hurts, and I stop.

When we were younger and didn't have kids in the house, I was a screamer (and he loved it). What he never knew is that I wasn't screaming incoherently in inarticulate ecstasy. I was screaming incoherently because screaming, "Get the f**k off me, that HURTS!! !" would undoubtedly end the relationship.

I've developed a mental block or something over the years that prevents me from becoming aroused during normal intercourse (or foreplay if it doesn't last too long, or cunnilingus, or anal intercourse if it's not in a position conducive to deep penetration). I've gotten very good at "lying back and thinking of England," as the saying goes. It's been very helpful, as it enables me to tolerate sexual contact at least twice a week and daily if he wants to initiate it that often. I've even gotten pretty good at pretending to be engaged, and I'm getting better at faking orgasms.

Why go to all this trouble??? Because I love my husband. I want to keep him, and I want him to be happy and have a healthy self-esteem. To have that, he needs to be able to please me in the bedroom as per the normal definition of pleasure set forth in such authoratative places as Playboy Magazine and the boys' locker room. It is imperative that I "make him feel like a man," end of line.

So I need to figure out a way to tolerate climax, other than by screaming in pain and swearing that I'm screaming in pleasure. Because screaming with four kids in the house is humiliating to me, and probably traumatic to them. I'm open to pretty much anything-- medical, chemical, psychological, whatever, as long as it leaves me able to function properly when I get up (i.e. heavy sedation, getting blind drunk, and taking hallucinogenic drugs are pretty much out, but I will consider almost anything else up to and including bondage and sadomasochistic play-- at least, if we can find a way over the massive and ongoing trust issues).

First of all, that sucks. Like, majorly sucks. No pun intended.

Secondly, have you discussed this with your gynecologist for advice?

Out of the little recesses out of my swiss cheese memory, there seems to be a numbing cream that guys use so that they last longer in bed. I don't know, but I would think that sort of product might be safe to use on lady parts. However, I am not a doctor.

The other thing I would consider is, there are degrees of orgasm. At least in my experience there is. There are mild, lazy ones and explosive ones. His style might be able to be changed. I am wondering if he slowed down, didn't touch your clit, and tried less stimulating positions if the quality of the orgasm would change?

I saw that you said he is emotionally shut down and can be abusive. I know you care about him, but is having a one-sided relationship where you don't feel you can be honest about your sexuality worth your happiness?

As I write this, I find myself wishing you had a better lot in life

Especially since your mind is so fertile.

I know how you feel. I have had to fake pleasure at many junctures in my life. It's not a good feeling.

I'm also sorry he's been emotionally abusive. It's not fair. You don't deserve that.

I get the feeling you have proposed couples therapy with your husband, but he rejected it.

I wouldn't do sadomasochism unless you really enjoy this sort of thing.

Captain Obvious shoots the elephant in the room, and then sez:

If you have trust issues and abuse history with this fellow, and are permitting sexual contact that you don't enjoy twice a week, NO WONDER you aren't enjoying this stuff.

How many years is it since you had a decent man? You might actually enjoy a little intercourse if it was a lower intensity, both emotionally and physically.

I was married too long to someone who didn't satisfy me in bed, but I played along to "keep him happy." Eventually I both lost all respect for him and fell out of love. He wasn't a horrible person, but he was way too immature to be an equal partner to me.

I have no good suggestions for you, but you aren't really being honest with him, and the relationship, including the physical one, is never going to improve this way. Maybe you can stick it out until death do you part. Maybe you can't. Maybe you will leave him. Maybe he will leave you, and you will ask yourself "Why did I put up with him so long, if it's all for naught?"

Did I sum that up pretty accurately?

He IS a decent man (and I'm no saint). Abuse is a funny thing, isn't it??? His grandfather beat the s**t out of his father. His father didn't use his fists, but he willfully and deliberately used his words to beat the s**t out of his wife and kids. He tries not to do either, and he valiantly keeps it off the children, but sometimes he gets frustrated or scared or confused or feels cornered (because of my problems or his damage or honest misunderstanding) and lashes out at me with what he learned as a child.

Physical and sexual abuse is one thing. It's pretty concrete, the consequences are deadly, the choice may not be a no-brainer but the course is clear. Verbal and emotional??? That gets gray and foggy, doesn't it??? Who here hasn't hurt someone??? Let he who is without sin cast the first stone, my dears.

He keeps it off the kids, and I explain for them the things they hear happen to me. And so the cycle is broken, and we will be the last generation touched by the curse. He doesn't deserve a divorce for that-- he deserves a f*****g medal.

It's just that right now he can't look there to see what his words do to me at times, because that would be too painful to see (and besides that, ADHD is probably worse at self-awareness than Aspergers is).

Maybe if we'd seen it before the kids came, the song might be different. But now??? No. It is a greater harm to destroy their family, destroy our home, and destroy and then try to rebuild parental bonds. It is a greater harm to destroy the friendship we do have and the ways we do support each other. It is a greater good to fight through, to patch the wounds until we figure out how to heal them.

It WILL stand, because it MUST stand. Fifteen more years or child rearing and fifteen past years in which there was happiness and we did live say it MUST STAND. Love isn't always a joyful thing. Love isn't always easy, love isn't always nice. Love gets you hurt, love makes you bleed, love shows your all your faults and helps you to mitigate them even while it loves in spite of them.

THIS problem is just a problem that has to be dealt with, because dealing with it will help with the self-esteem problems, and helping with the self-esteem problems will make it possible to attack the behavior problems, and we can have a great marriage fifteen years down the road instead of the rocky ass but OK field we're tilling now.

Thanks for the tip about the numbing cream. In the past, I got some good results by recreationally abusing codeine. Never got hooked, but could have and don't want to go back. If I can get a doctor to believe me, maybe I can find a medical fix.

I'm also hoping to get a script for Xanax. At 12.5 mg, it doesn't get me high or mess me up, and the sedation is hardly noticeable. It makes things like kid birthday parties and trick or treat not suck, because it dulls the anxiety and the sensory input enough for me to enjoy those things like normal people. It might help sex too. Something's gotta.

Seems like you have a strong, complex bond with the man. Can't knock that. And you want to end the vicious cycle.

But it would be swell if you can produce a Bildungsroman with your lives.

Even people like Mister from "The Color Purple" grow.

Its nice to see your posts again BuyerBeware.
Is it possible that the medications have made you more sensitive over the years, and that you could find a book that would bring you both through other options?
I know you have a traditional type marriage, but there is a lot of information out there which is suited to 'married for life' couples.
Can you have discussions about what works for you? Like positions and such, do you know what works for you? If you took more control in the bedroom you could set the shenanigans at a pace that suits you, (it might also help the trust issues). For example there are some that are less comfortable for him, which might be more comfortable for you and reduce the stimulation. A medical check up might be a good idea. I have read that clitoral over-stimulation can happen when the hood doesn't protect it at crucial moments, this can also happen due to lack of natural lubricant.