Why do you keep quiet?

Post Reply New Topic

I usually don't have anything meaningful to add, so I keep my mouth shut.

If you don't talk much, people tend to listen when you do.

1. I don't go to parties or other social events, so I don't often have the opportunity to talk.

2. Talking promotes friendship, and I don't really want any friends. (Although, I am happy to have a few acquaintances.)

3. Most people would not understand the things that I'd want to talk about.

4. I have little interest in what most people want to talk about.

5. I don't like talking just for the sake of talking.

Nobody cares about what I have to say.

And if anybody did care about what I have to say, I'd be too self-conscious about saying the wrong thing.

Silence is easier.

I am very chatty or talkative when it comes to subjects I am interested in (was also nicknamed natter box as a child as well as bumble because I was clumsy and bumbled around a lot lol) but rarely have anything to say on subjects that don't fascinate me. It hurts my head to think of what to say next if the conversation is mainly small talk based. I find it easier to fake a smile and nod a lot instead lolololol.

Funny and very real!
I either don't think of a response fast enough and then the opportunity to reply has passed
Or it doesn't occur to me to speak
Or I can't think of a reply
Or someone else will reply and I will assume that I am exempt from the conversation

i have nothing to say

It really depends on the context for me. Most of the time I have nothing to add and am generally fine with just listening. I can be very talkative if I have something to say, though.

Because I know that in today's supperficial NT world, most people don't want to hear about The Kinks, so it's easier to say nothing at all to the NT population to avoid a slip of the tounge. Mainstream society has gone down the toilet, says the 60s rebel. What else would you call a Kinks Fan?

I just don't know what to tell people. If there is more than 3 "talkers", I'm happy just listening, but if I'm asked something unexpectedly I either gather some words up and mix them quickly, and if the result isn't close to my real thoughts about the subject, so be it, I know it's scripts, not lies. Scripts have become a huge part of my conversations these last years, and my silent moments seem to be getting longer, but I don't know why.
Weirdest thing I've done: on a one to one conversation, the person facing you asks a question, watches you intently, and you're standing there staring at them. You think of struggling for a reply and then...your brain just goes "screw it I don't care." and stops searching for words.
I've done this in the past, still not sure if i'm doing it on purpose or if I'm slowly going non verbal.

I found that most people interrupt - that's not always a unique Aspie thing. NTs don't have a group conversations sounding like it's been rehearsed - they all talk over eachother at times, and sometimes they quickly compromise who's going to say the next thing (normally the most popular one in the group gets listened to the most). I'm not the type to interrupt someone through mid-sentence - I usually listen the whole way through. But a lot of times I hear NTs throw in a question whilst the other person is still talking. Here's a brief example of a conversation between 2 NTs what I have overheard this week at work (words may not be exactly right, but it's just a good example of a general conversation):-

A: I went to see my son yesterday. It was such a long drive there, and on the motorway there was a--
B: Where does your son live?
A: Oh he lives in Cambridgeshire
B: Right, and do you go and see him often?
A: About once a month or so. But anyway - on the way there was so much traffic on the motorway - and we just couldn't get across the roundabout. It was chaos driving up to Cambridgeshire - I'm not driving there on a week-end day any more!

....and so on. Notice B asked a question when A was in mid-sentence. If I'm going to ask a question, I usually wait 'til they have finished what they were saying.
But here's a social mistake I had made last year at work, which had put me off joining in a conversation (and the conversation was just general talk - it wasn't what you would call private or anything). I was standing right nearby when two of my colleagues were just chatting:-

A: Who's that new woman who started last week?
B: That's (so-and-so)
A: Oh....I don't know if I like her that much
Me: Why?
A: I wasn't talking to you!

Notice how me just asking why (since I'm a female and I like a bit of gossip) isn't really doing any harm. Besides, I see other people do this to eachother all the time - and the funny thing is, they dive into other people's conversations what are more private than the above conversation was!
Here's an example I overheard at work last week (again, it has different words, but was the same sort of topic):-

A: Did you go and visit your mum in hospital Friday?
B: Yes, she isn't good. Her blood pressure has risen, and the nurses said she was sick in the night
A: It's so worrying, isn’t it!
B: Yes, I'm really worried. Also the nurses are saying they won't--
C (who is right across the room not having anything to do with the conversation): Is it (this disease) she's got, B?
(A and B turn round)
B: Oh, no it's (this disease)

I can go on and on sometimes about my obsessions. There are also a few people I can talk a lot to (ie. my mother). For the most part though, I tend to blend into the background and let others do the talking for me. I have comorbid anxiety, which has come from years of people pointing out how different and weird I am, so I don't feel like what I say matters a lot of the time. I also often worry I will be subject to the ridicule I've had to endure my entire life. It is just easier to say nothing.

There are a number of reasons why I keep quiet:

-Social conditioning:
At school I was told to be quiet, follow instructions and pay attention to the teachers.

-Family:
Most of them are fairly quiet anyway.

-I have nothing to add to the conversation:
What I was going to say has already been said by someone else.

-Very chatty people make it difficult for me to "get a word in edgeways"

-I didn't honestly realise that it was that important to talk every waking moment of the day.

-Media influences:
I find it difficult to talk to people above the noise and "disembodied voices" blaring from TVs, Radios and Piped Music Systems. I am especially confused and outcompeted by the voices on the radio. I find it hard to sort the real life voices from the piped ones. This cacophony makes it hard for me to engage someone in conversation. I often memorise the song lyrics and they distract me from taking part in real life conversation. The earworm songs often get stuck in my head and make it difficult for me to talk to people. I often go mute in noisy and pyschosocially confusing environments.

-I am afraid of offending people.

-After years of being told to "shut up", I am afraid to start a conversation.

-It is physically impossible for me to concentrate/read/write a report whilst talking to someone at the same time. Hence, the more work I have, the less I talk.

-I like to think deeply rather than talk shallow.

Nice post, you covered it pretty well. I listened to the teacher too in school- raise your hand to ask a question, wait your turn, etc. Then I saw that no one else did- they just shouted out whatever they were thinking most of the time. Depending my faith in whether the particular educator would ever address me or not- I would start shouting out myself. But I guarantee I was probably one of the only ones who was self-conscious I was interrupting and being rude.

There are a few reasons for my quietness.

1. People usually ignore me when I talk. They generally don't seem interested in what I have to say or what I want to talk about or they really want to do all the talking themselves, so they don't listen and tend to either talk over me or ignore what I said, or they pretend to listen and later prove themselves to have not paid any attention. I find it pointless to try to talk to people if they're not listening.

2. People have the tendency to twist what I say into something it isn't. They think they see hidden meanings that are not there or they make them up on purpose and ridicule me, get annoyed with me or make it sound like there was a stupid or offending "hidden meaning" in what I said.

3. I sometimes misunderstand people when they're being vague or am not up to date on something they're talking about (because nobody ever tells me any news from the family and such, even if I ask), and they laugh in my face for it, ridicule me or make bad comments about me for not knowing about something that nobody has told me about.

3. Having had a lot of bad experiences with no. 1-3 throughout my life, I've gotten pretty tired and frustrated with trying to talk to people, so I've gotten used to just not talking much at all. If throughout your life you got something bad out of talking 97% of the time you did, you probably wouldn't do much talking anymore yourself.

4. I've gotten so used to not talking that I don't feel the need to talk much at all.

What annoys me to no end is when people complain about me being too quiet and tell me I should talk more, and then when I do that they completely ignore everything I say and act like I'm not even there or react negatively to me for trying. Is it any wonder I don't like talking?