Do you try to avoid confrontation?

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Mhh. Many times avoiding conflicts collides with my sense of justice and what's right or not. But I don't like embarrassing people or make them lose face, so I usually avoid all kinds of conflicts. Also because I cannot control my temper, that is, I could easily throw a tantrum even for the slightest misunderstandings. And I cannot really read people, which makes it even more complicated.
So, no conflicts for me

To some point, it really depends. I mean, I won't like, go start fights in the store over like, someone bumping into me, I try not to start confrontations over trivial things, I guess.

For me, I actually have a tendency to at times confront people much more so than average. Many times I've tried to confront people/institutions WAY more powerful than me, usually without much support from others, and basically my only justification was, well, that I was right. I've done it many times, sometimes I've won, but for the most part I've lost, but I can't say I really "regret" the fights per se, because I still believe I was right in most of them. Maybe I can look back in hindsight and say they were inefficient, but my "fights" were the only options I could see at the time. Maybe it's Aspie "black and white" thinking, who knows.

For example, in middle school, I hated school, so I just didn't go. I had tons of logical reasons for not going, and argued basically against the concept of mandatory public school, and also argued in 8th grade I could pass my GED right now. They just argued back "well adults gotta go to work, so you gotta go to school." Then I argued back, that first off, adults are not legally mandated to go to work (I was in court for truancy) and will suffer no penalty for not going to work besides money (they then argued about supporting a family, but again, there's no requirement that being an adult means you'll have a family.) With that argument, I brought up unemployment, too, that adults can infact not work and still get money from the government, far from being threatened criminal penalties in court for not working. Then I also argued that adults are free to pick where they work much more broadly than children are allowed to pick where they go to school, so even if compulsory work were the case, it's an entirely different situation from school. But, they didn't care. All they said was "it's the law." And they won. I didn't go to residential/juvie for it, but I had to have counselors go to my house 3/5 days a week, and DCF and all that fun stuff. I found out also, I was right about being able to pass the GED in 8th grade, too, after taking it a few years later.

So, I don't see myself as going out of my way to pick on people or start fights, but many times if I see something I perceive as unjust, I will fight it tooth and nail almost regardless of the consequences, especially if it's a longterm ongoing thing. It's a weird trait about me.

I'm learning to handle that trait some now. But, it seems as I get older I get more ballsy, and actually more willing to confront people. I guess now what I'm learning is, to further analyze what the possible end result/gains will be from confronting someone. Sometimes it's not worth it to "go to war" with people, as I sometimes do.

The most recent example I had of "going to war" with someone was my youth pastor. Lots of kids in the group would say things behind his back about the way he leads, imply he was brash, etc. But, nobody really confronted him about it. So, I don't believe I was seeing more/different errors than the other people in the group, but I was one of the few that literally sat him down and told him what I thought problems were. In general also, he'd pick on me for what I know now are my "Aspie" traits, my quietness, etc. But yeah, how it all culminated was, we got into one last set of arguments, and I simply...left. I said goodbye to the other people the best I could at the time, but it was just very clear that if I continued my disagreement with him, it'd probably lead to schism/problems amongst the group. At my first time at the Orthodox Church I go to now, the priest told in the sermon about a saint who after his monks complained about the way he was running his monastery (that he built, no less) instead of arguing with them, he just left. Later, they begged him to come back. So now my "figuring" is, confront people, and if there's hope that you can facilitate change through your confrontation, continue it, but if there's not, then it's an empty cause to continue it.

I don't know, basically I tend to avoid it with like "hey you cut me in line" type of stuff, more because the possible fight isn't "worth it" in my eyes, but other times, yeah...

EDIT: Actually, one rather dumb pointless conflict I got myself into for no reason other than to prove a small point, I was in an anger management group, and a guy claimed to NEVER get angry ever. He just...didn't seem like that type. He didn't seem like...Mr. Rogers, if you know what I mean. So, I decided to have fun and say "So what if I were to say I think you're lying about never getting angry ever?" And I got him pissed at me. It was the best. Maybe not nice of me, but hey, fun to prove a point for no real reason.

I avoid confrontation even if it's something I could win. For example, I was charged $10 from the bank for transferring money too many times out of my savings account. The money in my savings is for school, and since it was getting close to the beginning of the semester, I was constantly taking a little here and there out to pay. I had no idea there was a limit on such things. The next day, I had received the official warning saying that if I was close to being over the limit and that if I kept doing it I would be charged.

Basically, I received the warning AFTER I had been charged. (From reading about the current situation this bank is in, I am not surprised they did this). Had I received the warning prior, I would have stopped transferring money. My mother said I could call and get my $10 back. But, seeing as that would involve a confrontation with the bank and a phone call (something else I completely can't stand to do) I never called and never got my money back as a result.

I uh don't.. well I do when there would be no need for a confrontation but if I think something needs confronting the I confront it..

It depends on the topic of the confrontation. If it is important to me, then I will give into the uncontrollable urge to confront, and my fangs and claws will await the reddening, eggsept for this last part about the reddening, tis only a fantasy.

I don't avoid confrontations. If someone does something wrong to me, they're going to get it back.

All or nothing. I do not seem to have a good measure on when it is appropriate to confront.

I tend to overreact to perceived injustice. If I am aware enough to know I am overreacting, I will avoid the confrontation completely even if I have a justified complaint.
Sometime injustice causes a meltdown reaction where I am out-of-line upset with a situation. When I was younger I humiliated myself from my tantrum-like meltdowns in adulthood. Fall-out from those incidents made me even more avoidant of conflict.

Sometimes conflicts are unavoidable, and if it something regarding my son I will really try to search for the correct way to handle the conflict. I am a member of a recovery program and a big part of the support offered there is tools for addressing conflicts. When it is something that I must handle, I will try to check with another person that my strategy seems healthy. Sometimes I even role play my words and tone. Setting firm boundaries is really hard and role playing the conversation helps. Writing out all the venomous thoughts first, then logically editing out the irrelevant points with someone else (who is not involved) helps.

This is an area that I often feel disabled. Other adults seem to be able to confront, be polite AND firm. That balance is very hard for me.

Perhaps because of my inattentive add, but the main reason I avoid confrontation is, when I am stressed, I can't think clearly enough to articulate what I want to say. My mind goes blank.

That's the irony in this. AS is said to disable your ability to feel empathy. Because you're confused about how something would make another person feel bad, you try to be nice to everyone. Most people are confused by that, I guess. They're too busy working the way they're supposed to work. I don't blame them, really, but when I do upset them, they get so annoyed.


It's all about how they've been brought up. Girls are taught to notice the littlest error in others. You know, stuff like, "Look at this woman, she is FAT!" or "Oh, I wouldn't wear something like that, look how fat this makes her look" or "Girls have to take care of themselves".Guys are taught to call women and fellow guys out on their mistakes. Because they're boss.


Yeah, stress can make your mind go blank. Presentations or situations where you get really upset.

I try not to say things that are mean...

If it's not needed, yes. It's often not needed.

In a word, yes. Even when I see myself in social situations where I can see the option to confront someone, I'm usually not able to do so.

It's as if you cannot pull the trigger.

I don't like confrontations because I'm not very good at dealing with it. The funny thing is, I seem to show myself up more than the confronters do, even if they are abusive and loud. I just stand there not knowing what to say, and people seem to stare and laugh at me more.

Yessss. That's totally me.

Yes, I try to avoid confrontation. I don't handle it well and I'm perhaps just too sensitive for it. I too am trigger-shy. In confrontational situations I simply seize up.

However, the trigger is very often pointed at me, even though I'm not out looking for trouble. That's because my tendency to make faux pas seems to be so much greater even compared to other Aspies, even though I make the best effort I possibly can to avoid faux pas, which I have in fact probably minimised. Even then I've found especially over the past 6 months that it is causing me a lot more confrontations, which could happen at any time.

I'm regularly out and about with other Aspies, usually in large groups. Yet when we encounter people in various situations, such as in the street, cafés, shops, on buses etc., I have found I'm the one making virtually 100% of the faux pas, and having virtually 100% of the run-ins with people. So many times, sorry is not good enough, the faux pas are that bad. Nevertheless, the risk of confrontation and even perhaps violence to Aspies because they make unintentional faux pas seems to me a real issue.

I also come in for confrontation because of unavoidable factors I can't help, for example accent racism, my accent getting me threatened and manhandled for being an immigrant. I'm also for whatever reason disproportionately likely to be approached by 'street' people such as homeless, drug/alcohol addicts, etc. probably due to a combination of approachability and docility - not exactly looking like an alpha male. So there are many reasons why I perhaps can't avoid confrontation and might even have to accept it as a normal part of life compared to other people.

I hate confrontation, to the point that I find myself stressed out by taking on situations that make me uncomfortable, because I'm too afraid to speak my mind. Part of it is not wanting to be a burden and not wanting people to think badly of me. The other part is that I imagine the other person won't see my point of view, and I just don't have the energy to fight for my cause for nothing.

There are times when I've gotten confrontational on impulse, but it's always because someone changes something on me, and it's often related to food. For instance, there are two times in recent memory where I've gone out to eat and was told I couldn't get something the way I ordered it, even though I order it that way every single time and never had problems before. This flips a confrontational switch in me...I get agitated and feel like I'm going to cry, and almost come off desperate in my insistence that I CAN order it that way, because I do all the time.

Actually, come to think of it, I 'confronted' my stepmom (via text) the other week for letting my little brother eat my leftover pizza, which I was planning to have for lunch. Angry doesn't even begin to describe how I felt...I was absolutely distraught. I guess food and changing my eating routine is definitely my confrontation trigger.