How to be less aspie

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Nope.
Sorry.
My goal is to get closer to the "Aspie Ideal".
I'm single.
I can afford to.

Did you really agree? Or did you agree to something you were uncomfortable with but didn't know how to discuss it?

If it's really about being right, let him know every time he is right. It really improves discussions.

You can try "I know you're hurting and I have no idea what to say to make it better." You can consider a hug or holding hands.

"1. Going back on something we've agreed. We will have a positive conversation, agree on how we're going to deal with something, then I just go ahead and do it my way, which negates the point of the original discussion and makes him feel ignored (understandably). "

That's an "anybody" thing, not just an aspie. In kind it would it would make "anybody" feel ignored. This is one to really work on.

For me, the objectives are to be more independent and less anxious.

Start now looking for other options besides your current spouse.

Calling BS on the divorce thing. Do y'all think someone needs to wipe your @$$ for you because you're on the spectrum? Unfortunately this special snowflake stuff is making me embarrassed to be autistic. (OK rant's over!)

I had to do this--start by relieving stresses. Find out what triggers you and try removing it. Whatever makes you feel more comfortable, more silent and healthy, will be good for you--whatever is turmoil, the absence of good, is an evil, so rid yourself of it. I know a lot of people hate "masking" but for a while I put effort into practicing etiquette. Worked out okay IRL.

My parents don't always understand where I'm coming from and I don't always know where they're coming from but I'd be a terrible person to wish them dead for that.

Maybe your husband just really loves you & wants to know you better--this could be the start of something really good for you two.

No one is claiming that he needs to cater to her, but I think that a loved one telling a significant other to be “less Aspie” and “be more herself” demonstrates a remarkable level of ignorance that needs to be addressed.

If she’s happy in the marriage, there’s no reason to divorce quite yet, but for the happiness to continue, the husband needs a better grasp on what having Asperger’s means instead of blaming her for things he doesn’t like.

I, frankly, wouldn’t put up with such ignorance, especially willful ignorance, for very long.

I think like this: masking, in society, is part of life. But masking in your home with someone you've chosen to live with you indefinitely... doesn't work. Your partner must be someone who will make you feel free. Be yourself. Be autistic without being afraid or ashamed of being autistic.

He is ignorant

But everyone is ignorant

It sounds , to me like, he has good intentions

He didn't mean to say what he said

He just didn't think clearly

However, he could otherwise be a good spouse


If you divorce everyone that's "ignorant", you are single

There is a great deal wrong with neurotypical social protocols.
There are a great many ignorant neurotypicals.

The last is the hardest. I asked my wife what I do right in those situations, and her answer was "Listen." The difficulty is that for him to perceive that you're listening, you do need to say a few things, make the right noises, wear the right expression. One thing to remember here, though, is that 'right' is often simply 'not wrong'. The right things are usually things that signal that you sympathize, that you're on his side. Depending on how bad he's feeling, physical contact (holding his hand, a hug if he's really feeling bad) will help a lot. If it's just stresses and frustrations from the day, that's probably overkill, and might give him the feeling you're being sarcastic. Matching your reaction to the situation is one of the things that makes this hard.

The phrase 'active listening' really doesn't do justice to the level of effort it can take someone on the spectrum to fulfill NT expectations in these situations.

Thank you all so much for your comments and help