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How do you know when to keep your mouth shut? How do you know if you offended someone or not?

Just on Friday, me and a coworker, well, there were a bunch of other people having a discussion. It was about that new law that's been passed here in Arizona. And I comment to him, 'they were having quite an interesting discussion there'. He replies 'I know, that's why I left before I exploded. Sometimes it's best to keep your mouth shut'. I couldn't quite help it, but said 'I just don't understand the whole thing. It seems ridiculous', and he replies 'sometimes it's better to keep your mouth shut'.

I'm just not sure if he meant me. Supposedly you're supposed to tell from the tone of voice, and the gestures, but I just can't make out if he was angry or not. I didn't mean to offend him, but I don't know if I did. The same thing happened some time ago, with the lady at the coffee cart in the lobby. That was because they were removing all the tables from the lobby, and I butted in when they were talking, and said 'maybe they don't want people eating in the lobby. Maybe they think it gives an unproffessional image or something'.

I really don't mean to offend people, but I just have no clue. I can't really ask them, either, as sometimes I've seen that make it worse.

That's just life, you're going to offend people sometimes whether you're socially impaired or not. I say stuff that pisses people off all the time because I tell it like it is. The main problem with us is since we tend to have bad social encounters, we avoid any future ones and don't even bother trying anymore because of the bad experiences. Most people shrug it off and continue onward. I will admit my tendencies to piss people off no matter what I say makes it best for me not to talk at all so I don't.

The thing is, that it's hard to know, when to keep one's mouth shut. There are many different people out there, who are offended by many different things.

Wish I knew the answer.

When to keep my mouth shut? Wish I knew. I guess it's just one of life's mysteries.

I tend to approach the problem in an opposite way. Instead of asking 'when should I keep my mouth shut?' I instead see it as 'when should I open my mouth?'

You DON'T! You make mistakes sometimes HUGE mistakes (get yourself kicked out of College) then try to understand and find yourself while doing this you stumble upon Asperger's Syndrome (thanks to my sister finding it) and ask for social advice from a few friends/family I trust and hope there advice on talking/socializing etc. can work out for you when you return to College. (and you go back wiser/older) with knowledge of your Asperger's and advice on how to fix your behavior.

I don't take hints very well, so I find out by having people be mad at me. After several years my coworkers know that I am only saying what is in my mind. They cover for me when we are out with strangers by telling me directly not to say it.

I usually keep my month shut only if I don't feel like getting into an argument with someone over certain subjects. Otherwise, I actually tend to open my month, even if they don't like what I have to say. Just because someone feels offended doesn't mean I have to feel bad or sorry about it. Depending on whom you talk to, there are all kinds of things that people will feel offended by. People seem to act like they have a right to not be offended, which simply isn't true. It may not make me the most popular person, but I rather take than keep to myself because someone doesn't like what I have to say, as if I liked everything they had to say either.

Although it's best not to always get on the bad side of the wrong person, especially those that ties to your future.

I've learned to keep my mouth shut from experience. I know in politics, I know disagreeing can give you flames and unfriendly comments so I tend to keep my mouth shut unless I want to get put down. After being here for three years, I know what aspies want to hear and what they not want to hear. A few times I didn't keep my mouth shut and AS would get compared to broken legs or to deafness or to hearing loss because someone didn't like my post. It happened again in a aspie Yahoo group and I just find it funny now. I'm going to keep my mouth shut for the rest.
I also keep my mouth shut often because I am too nervous to speak and I don't know what to say and I am afraid to offend. I also don't say much about my interests and I have cut back talking about them. I tend to open up when I get more comfortable.
I know not to ask about why someone divorced or why they broke up or even ask if someone has sex.

I put it this way, I am aware some people are offended with the R word so if I wish to use it, I am bound to maybe get mean comments from people and if I say it to my husband in public, I could get a stranger yelling at me because he or she overheard me. So I should maybe keep my mouth shut about using that term and only use it in private when there are no people around.

Some people are even offended with autistic jokes so if I were to be joking about autism to my husband, a stranger could overhear me and might butt in and yell at me not even being aware I am also on the spectrum. So I would have to be careful when I joke about it and where unless I want a conflict.

Sometimes I choose to not keep my mouth shut and I say it anyway expecting I might get meanness or someone might give me a hard time about it because they didn't like what I said such as yes comparing AS to broken legs and all saying I expect someone to walk on their broken legs or expect a deaf person to learn to hear or a blind person to learn to see or someone with Alzheimer's to work on not having it.

I think he meant, sometimes it's best for people in general to avoid certain discussions. I don't think he was telling you to keep your mouth shut.

Haha. Once, a few months back, an event happened where two people had "broke up". I was discussing it with a friend when one of the people were sitting right behind us. I discussed it for over half an hour despite his constant "Shut the hell up!"'s (which i merely took offence to). In the end, he just grabbed me by the scruff of my neck and said "Quiet! [Name]'s behind us!". ...Oops.

Yeah I have the same problem. Especially around females they seem to get offended a lot easier than males. People think I'm doing it on purpose because I'm an a**hole or something, I never tell anyone I'm mildly autistic maybe they wouldn't get offended as easily if they knew that.

Aha yeah I can sympathize, long story short I won't be discussing "sensitive" politics again . But seriously, sometimes I wonder if the world would be a better place if everyone just spoke their mind, any of you seen The Invention of Lying with Ricky Gervais? Brutal place but honest all the same. Would sure sort politicians out

yes, same. i over-censor. usually. but if someone thinks i've been rude and doesn't tell me, and i don't figure it out, oh well. i'm guessing that telling someone they've been rude can seem rude (unless it's a parent to a child) so people don't usually tell you.

i once laughed when someone told me who she was engaged to - it just seemed so improbable. it took me several years to realize that was a terrible way to react. but i wasn't sure if she was joking.

I have that problem too. I tend to keep quiet because people seem to get offended so easily, but then I also have a short fuse and get angry about some things very quickly and spew all over people. So for me it's kind of all or nothing.

As far as I can tell this is what happened with the two situations you describe:

The new Arizona law is a real hot-button issue and many people are very very upset about it. When your coworker said he didn't want to talk about it because he might explode, and you gave your opinion about the issue itself, he was letting you know he wasn't going to engage in a discussion about it because he was already upset and didn't want to explode. I don't think he meant he wanted you to shut up, it was more that he wanted himself to shut up.
Here, it sounds like she thought you were trying to criticize her business, by saying, or so she thought you were saying, that they were making the lobby look sloppy.

I dunno, just trying to make sense of it.