Any parents who are Aspies?

Post Reply New Topic

Are there any Aspie parents besides myself on this forum?

Last edited by anandamide on 15 May 2006, 10:59 am, edited 1 time in total.

D'ya mean parents who *are* Aspies are those who have Aspie kids?

I mean, it doesn't matter to me, either way. I have AS and 2 AS kids.

I fit either way also I have as and two of my three kids do also.

Are there particular issues that relate to people with AS as parents?

For example, as I fulfill my responsibilities toward my children I find that I am required to interact with various people in ways that I feel quite uncomfortable with, at times. Of course I do interact in all the ways that my children need me to be there for them, but I DO find it uncomfortable.

Those parent teacher meetings are difficult, although I do manage. I am always dealing with the school in one way or another.

Idle chitchat with neighbors who are parents of children that my children play with is also difficult, I tend to avoid that if I can help it.

School staff and other educated people have commented to me how great my children are. I get told my children are "nice kids". I have been told many times by school staff that my children have an outstanding sense of fairness in their play with other children. I get told my children are a pleasure to be around. So the fact is, I must be doing SOMETHING right. Yet the number one issue that I have an a parent who is an Aspie is that I worry that I do not show my children enough affection, as an NT parent might show affection. I tend to be a very functional type parent, not one to just "enjoy" the moment.

Oh, and I have noted that my children tend to be not comfortable with ignorant people. They just do not do well amongst the neurotypical set of adults and children who have bigoted views.

I'm also a parent with AS.

I am Aspie and my kids are NT to the best of my knowledge.

I can understand what you mean. Until I found that my children had AS, I just thought I was odd and didn't know what was wrong with me that I did those things - avoided those social issues you're talking about, when I could.

I admit, I get my husband (who is more extroverted) to handle those things many times, or to go with me and 'guide' me. He's the guy everyone likes (but can't pinpoint why, lol) and I just use that I guess ...he knows all of our neighbors and gets along much better with the teachers than I do.

It's hard for me in the 'competitive mom' world out there, let me say. The Aspie in me just doesn't get it...and the SuperMoms?? They baffle me.

I'm also told things about my children on that same wavelength; most notably that they have a pronounced sense of justice/fairness compared to others their age.

Who said their was a competition? From what your teahers say it seems like you're doing a good job. Any mom who feels the need to compete doesn;t sound like a good mom.

That's why I posted about my children's sense of fairness. I didn't post it just to brag. I wonder if this is a result of having an Aspie parent?

My kids are genuinely baffled and disappointed when other children don't play fair. They are baffled by any child who tries to exclude others from play. My children play well with others of all ages, taking care of little ones quite happily. They genuinely care about other children, and are always asking me if they can share their treats, if they have bags of chips or whatever. They don't like to exclude anyone so I end up giving treats to all the kids, rather than a few favorite ones as seems to be the case with other children. The problems I notice are that if my kids are forced to interact with children who don't have these community oriented values, they are very troubled by such behavior. They don't do well when playing with children who value competitiveness.

I have also had to protect them from adults who are insensitive or cruel in ways that other children would probably be oblivious toward. Behavior from adults that would not seem to bother another less sensitive child, a child who doesn't have a sense of fairness or justice or equality, will effect my children just as though they were adults experiencing that treatment. That is, my kids have a sense of equality and expect to be treated with respect from adults. They don't like to be spoken down to or humiliated as though they had less dignity than an adult. When they are treated without respect by an adult they become quite anxious around that adult.

So there have been many times when I have had to step out of my Aspie comfort zone to deal with NT parents and their children.

Oh, and I always feel like a blabbering idiot and have to endure that physical jolt I feel when gazinging into NT eyes. It is like staring into the sun. But at the age of 42, and for the sake of my children, I certainly can put on a good enough act that I pass as normal.

Except the other day when I brought the dog to the school. The dog is quite large and was leaping and pulling me around, and barking its head off, and I could not find my children either in their classrooms or on the schoolgrounds, and then I bumped into the school prinicipal..and oh my god..I was not in my NT disguise..and as I babbled on about not being able to locate my children in the school and that dog was leaping around me with leash getting all twistedup ..I think she saw through my NT facade..

maybe...

It's the moms that DO compete that baffle me - like the Mom of my daughter's best friend. She has 3 jobs outside of the home, a degree (teaching), and 2 toddlers at home plus she babysits another. She kinda bugs me to join one of businesses...I'm like - Yeah, right. I'm not here to match you, hon. Just take care of my own kids, raise them to be good people in this world. I don't have to kill myself on a daily basis! You're right - it ISN'T a contest! But they act like it is, and at times, it's hard, ya know?

And it's funny - I have a 'uniform' I wear when I have to go to the school. My hubby jokingly calls them my 'soccer Mom' clothes. So not me! But they fit with the other Moms so I do it for that, and the teachers, you know? And I have that facade, too. You learn what you can say and how much to say....it's so strange. I hate it now my girls are getting older - they want sleepovers and parties and such...and it's a killer for me, dealing with the parents. I feel horrible for that, and I've tried to do better, but it's really hard. We just invited to a birthday party and I'm like - hmmm. Should we go? I'll have to talk to people.

My girls can't stand being talked down to, either. It's the surest way to anger them, esp. my oldest. She has a very strong sense of justice, too - we had an accident here a bit ago and when one of the adults accused another child, she was right there, defending that child for all she was worth (even though she fights with that child at times) against the Mom that doing the accusing. I was so proud of her!

I think my oldest daughter's teacher has seen thru my facade as well. It's why he thinks *I* have a problem, and not my child. Ah well. I think he's an arrogant - you know. But we have to work together for my kids, so I'm doing what I can.

I have reason to think my dad's an aspie, if that counts. Just get him started talking about old Twilight Zone episodes or physics.

I got a good laugh reading your post. You sound alot like me. Birthday parties are horrible! I went with my eldest daughter to a birthday party she was invited to. And I inadvertantly made the host cry! Well, in my experience NTs are not very good at "playing fair" so it was probably to be expected. The mom who was hosting the party for her eight year old daughter had invited another girl..who was bullying my child at school. This was before I switched my daughter to the school where there are no bullies and damn good policies against it. Anyway, I brought my daughter to this birthday party and there weren't enough seats so my child had to sit on the floor. The "bully" and the birthday girl began playing games together and leaving my child out. I was shocked when the mom handed party favors to every child but my daughter. I spoke up and told the woman that my child had not received a party favor. So this mom went to some room in her house and brought out some item she had on hand, I think it was a pipecleaner twisted into a funny shape or something, clearly not of the same quality, and gave that to my child. Then the mom handed out drinks in paper cups with each child's name printed on the cup in bright letters to every child but my daughter. Again I had to speak up. The woman gave my child an old plastic cup to drink out of. I watched my daughter shrinking into herself. So I finally took the mom aside and pointed out in a sensitive way that she had repeatedly left my child out. The mom who was hosting then ran to her bedroom and commenced sobbing.

The mom drove us home at the end of the party, blowing her nose and sobbing a little, and she kept saying how she never meant to hurt our feelings and that it made her feel so baaaad.

What IS it about fairness that NTs and their children don't understand? Having to interact with NT parents is hell. And birthday parties are double hell.

I have AS and I have two sons, one with autism and one supposedly non-autistic.

Last edited by MishLuvsHer2Boys on 17 May 2006, 2:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

My son is 7...and exibiting just a couple of my "quirks" for now...

The social interaction is the hardest...my parents where like I am, but back then in the 70's there didn't seem to be the pressure their is now to be involved in everything. It's tough, I try, but it's lacking, and I'm left feeling very uncomfortable at times.

I know that you didn't mean to hurt the mothers feelings but you had to stand up for your daughter and let the mother know that your daughter was not being treated fairly. I'm sure it hurt your daughters feelings. If you had not said anything, the unfair treatment would have continued throughout the whole party. I don't think you did anything wrong. It will also teach your daughter how to stand up for herself. Your daughter needs to feel that she is just as good as everyone else and she doesn't have to accept someone else's leftovers or the crumbs off of someone else's table.

I have a daughter aged 8 and a son aged 4. Both have some autistic spectrum traits, they seem to have the full set between them somehow! My daughter struggles socially and with motor skills and is academically very bright. My son gets on fine socially and his physical skills are very good. Yet he'll spend hours lining his toys up in organised rows and he builds Lego cars, rockets and robots that are noticeably complex for his age. Sometimes he gets so absorbed in his machines, he doesn't want to leave the house for anything, not even a treat of some sort.

Coping with teachers and other parents at school is not easy. As well as all that party stuff. Luckily my wife does most of it and it's quite a relief when children can be left at parties rather than staying with them.

Anandamide, that party you describe sounds really terrible! It's so *exactly* what goes on and most other parents don't seem to see it. I'm glad you stood up for fairness, that took some courage. I'm amazed that adults can be so unaware. How often it seems that adults are colluding with and apologising for the perpetrators of cruelty.

How does everyone else find coping with the immense emotional and physical demands of children? I never thought I could it, especially the emotional stuff. I was 36 before I decided I was fit to parent. Yet I've found understanding, caring for and loving my children has been very natural and even easy. Even when in pits of depression, I've so far managed to have some energy to just play with the children.

I think 'playing with' is very important for young children. I see many adults who naturally want to be 'in charge', leading the play, showing off their superiority and having to introduce *goals* to the play (usually educational). I find it's fun to listen to the childrens ideas and let them take the lead, to try and be really 'with' them. It's good for me too as I don't have to worry about keeping up my act.

Also I have always managed well enough with most of the essential stuff - feeding, nappy changing, cleaning up vomit in the middle of the night etc. The one area I do struggle with (again my wife fills in) is buying clothes for them. I think I've chosen about 2 items of clothing for my children, ever! And funnily enough, I don't think they ever got worn...