Help, should me and NT husband divorce?

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Me and husband have been married for 6 years, we have a small child (4).
When I found out that I am aspie (official diagnosis process taking place) things have really changed for me.
For the first time in my life I realise how I have always made allowances for other people, and still often ended up being labelled selfish by them
My parents brought me up with the model of a wife who is a doormat, because a wife has to be a doormat or the man will have affairs or leave or both, which is catastrophic and "not the done thing" - this is the model I got.
I was never cut out to be a doormat though. During the first few years we nearly divorced with husband, because I felt suffocated. We then changed our lifestyle and he accepted me more. He can be a bossy boots but he is a really good man at heart. This is why I have not thought of divorcing for a long time.
But now... Now that I know what is wrong with me and that it'll never go away, I am seriously questioning whether I am going to be able to play the role of a wife to a sufficient degree or whether either me or my husband will end up suffering the longer I keep doing this.
I don't care about sex, but I try and make an effort about twice a week. Ironically we've had a better than ever sex life this autumn. Sex means A LOT to my husband so it has taken me by surprise that I am now seriously considering divorce.
I love my husband in that I want what's best for him; but I question my ability to truly keep giving what he needs, or if I manage that, whether I can do so without it being at the expense of my own needs. I have chronic depression and am on medication. However, I have been able to reduce my meds recently when I have adapted my life to more suit myself, and I have actively made effort to not put myself down at inner self talk all the time. Lots of positive lifestyle changes.
I realise I was young and not confident when I met my husband. I made a lot of effort for our relationship for the first few years, until I couldn't anymore. He found it extremely hard that I wanted so much time by myself, and yet I felt absolutely desperately suffocated so this led to us nearly divorcing there and then. I wowed then to make more effort as I realised that we truly do love each other. But now, in everyday life, the love has a lot of obstacles,
namely: he has gotten used to parenting me. When i disclose a simple problem of mine, he starts piling up with things I should do differently. I try and get a word in edgeways saying I already do those things but he doesn't believe me. He thinks I am incapable of looking after myself, and yes, I might be, but now I question whether our relationship can ever be good if he is "my carer" as he sees it. I find it really hard to get the everyday practical family things done, so he has taken the lion's share of responsibility.
I do realise finally that my parents may have been right when they said no man would ever put up with me and if we divorced he would find a better new wife whereas I possibly couldn't.
My parents said it in order for me to subjugate myself to the doormat position again, but I just cannot be a doormat. To specify: I could be a doormat but that would come at the expense of my career and mental health, neither of which I am willing to sacrifice anymore.
I am a horrible person to live with but simultaneously, I cannot take the patronising parenting attitudes of my husband anymore.
I am thinking maybe I should go the way of my Grandma who successfully lived by herself her whole life and was a successful single parent. Perhaps I am just meant to be alone.
I truly love my husband, but I have learned I need to love myself too. However, of course there is a third person in the equation: our child. I don't know whether it is right or wrong if we separate. I used to think it would be the worst thing for our child, but now I am not sure. We just spoke on the phone with husband and he patronised me again and when I asserted myself he got angry and said he can never talk to me and if it is this terrible between us all the time, I should move out.
In the past, I have vowed to make more effort. Now I am thinking that perhaps I have reached my limits. I am ready to let go of depression and finally accept myself for who I am. This makes me more assertive, and as my mother always taught me, men hate assertive women and no worthy man ever will put up with an assertive woman. As much as I don't want to believe it to be true, experience shows otherwise.
Therefore, divorce probably means a life alone for me for the rest of my life. I am not willing anymore to enter a relationship making all those terrible sacrifices that NTs expect you to make, and have all the million and one conflicts that we have had with husband trying to learn to communicate with each other better - which on says like these seems like it has been a complete and utter waste of effort, because...There he is suggesting that I move out, just because I asserted myself when he went on advice-giving parenting mode.
Please help.

What I would seriously recommend is to ask this to a Marriage Counsellor and get their advice. They are professionally suited to targeting problems like these.
Mention everything you mentioned here, and they would be able to advise you on the best course of action, not only for your own happiness, but also for that of your child.

I can tell you right now, this is 100% BS. You should never believe that.

Thank you very much agwood.

I must say, as much as I wish you were right, I believe my parents' abusive words actually hit the nail on the head.
I am a very lousy "woman", meaning all the typical-woman-role stuff escapes my interest and capabilities.
I would be quite a good man, this gives you an idea (EDIT no I wouldn't, as I'm not the breadwinner, so no justification there either). Men can get away with not doing housework, not remembering to cook, not scheduling children's dentist appointments (let alone their own), not prettifying themselves on a daily basis.... Good God I am so naturally incapable of these things and barely manage to keep some 'woman standards' in my behaviour, standards which I consider fake and imposing but unescapable in a heterosexual relationship nonetheless.
My husband has put up with a lot. We don't know any other couples where the man does the most of housework and also is the major breadwinner, etc etc. I do understand why he feels frustrated at being my 'carer'. He says it's like living with two children - a comment that women often make of their husbands, however NT women seem okay at tolerating it and being doormats...I can't. He can't. And I think it's an unfair position no matter how the genders are reversed.
I keep hoping that gradually my lifestyle changes would accumulate me with some extra energy and attention span that I could then put into pleasing my husband a bit more. Perhaps there is a middle way where it's not either me or him who is totally suffering while the other is getting to keep their freedom and their mental health.
Interestingly at least 3 of my exes were on the spectrum, I see it now. I wonder whether aspie-aspie relationships work better or whether they are even more atrocious than the aspie-NT fit. Just out of curiosity that I'm wondering this: as I said, I understand that I will probably never find a better husband than my current one and therefore am not dreaming of swapping him for another but instead the option would be to live a single life (like my Grandma, possibly on the spectrum) did.

You ask whether you should divorce your husband and then you go on to say that you truly love your husband. I don't know how you can reconcile the two statements? Has being diagnosed with ASD changed your attitude towards your marriage? No wife should be a doormat and that has nothing to do with ASD. You need to set boundaries within your marriage so he gets to do the things he likes to do with your encouragement and you have the freedoms within your marriage to do the things which you feel you need to do as a person without restriction from your husband. For instance, why must you do all the housework, if that's something you don't enjoy? Don't see why your husband or children can't assist you with the housework. Also you may feel that you need time alone to do your own thing, without your husband tagging along (shopping, meeting friends, going to a show etc). Sounds to me like you need to have a heart to heart talk with your husband to re-establish the relationship on terms that you both feel happy with.

im in a similar situation but the genders are reversed. I have an 11 year old daughter.
When I was on anti-depressants none of this stuff bothered me. Now I am resenting being yelled at for no good reason. Ive been sleeping in the spare room for a few weeks, my wife is being nice, but Im sure as soon as the feels comfortable again the anger and yelling will start again.
When on anti-depressants I didnt mind not having a job so I dont have many options or much freedom.
I also stupidly came over to the USA to get married and left my family behind so they cant help me.

Of course someone can love someone very much but not be suited to marriage or suited to marriage with that person.

It seems to me that there are a couple things going on here:

1) there is strife in the marriage and her husband is disproportionately carrying the burden of childcare, housework and breadwinning.

2) The OP was raised with some pretty antiquated ideas about men's and women's roles in marriage. Of course this is going to be in conflict with who she is as a person and this conflict will cause problems - with results such as depression, etc. Her husband may have shared some of these ideas and while I personally believe they were wrong, it does represent a shift in both of their thinking and their expectations.

Should you divorce? I don't know. I do think that both of you should be getting into relationship counselling pretty sharpish. What does your husband think? Does he want a divorce?

I think your marriage has a lot of potential left. Divorce can be hard on children too.
I would suggest marriage counseling... It's worth trying.
You've got some problems, but they do seem resolvable.

Here is the core of the problem and I think a marriage counselor really can help you fix it. Your current dynamic too closely resembles parent/child. A marriage counselor can help you shift it to a true partnership.

This marriage can be saved and should be for both your sakes and your child's sake. (Some marriages shouldn't be saved, but this one should judging by your posts.) A marriage counselor can help the two of you steer towards a true partnership, something that would be difficult to do on your own when coming from the current dynamic you both have.

Find a good marriage counsellor - been to one, they are truly worth their weight in gold. Maybe someone you know can recommend a good one....

Our's was female (I think they make better counsellors than guys do, my bias - I'm a guy though). Be prepared to work through everything, outline expectations of your partner and your marriage, and do the work.

If both partners are willing to be open, commit to counselling, and are willing to make healthy changes to the relationship - marriage counselling can be very effective.

This is some seriously screwed up thinking. You can't possibly have a good relationship with a man ever if you think this way. Your mom is nuts. Any man who likes you will be "unworthy" and the only way you can have a "worthy" man is to crush yourself. Free yourself from the mental slavery your mother foisted on you. This is nonsense.

I hope you find something that works for you.

I have so much to say to you I don't know where to begin. And right now I am having trouble expressing everything I feel about your message (I often do have trouble expressing myself correctly, but it is worse right now) so my reply will probably not be as clear (nor as long) as I would like it to be. It probably won't help you either, but at least you will know that you are not alone.

First let me say that I am divorced from my first husband, with whom I was for about 20 years, and married with my present husband, with whom I have been for about 15 years (so I have my own experiences about divorce and marriage). Also let me say that I recognised myself in many of the things you said. And keep in mind that I am only giving you my point of view on matters, I don't pretend that it would apply to everyone.

There is no reason why you should be a doormat, just be yourself. I disagree with your parents very much, we are not in the 1800s anymore. And the man having an affair or leave or both often has nothing to do with the wife being a doormat or not, it doesn't even have anything to do with whether he is getting all the sex he wants at home, and it also has nothing to do with the wife being pretty or not.


Nothing is wrong with you, you are just different. And there is no reason why you should play "the role of a wife", just be yourself.


I think the fact that you are trying to be someone you are not, to, as you said, "play the role of a wife" (and in addition you have been told by your parents that you should be a doormat, etc), might be one the main reasons you have chronic depression. Of course some issues due to AS can be difficult to cope with as well, but I think the fact that you are trying to be someone you are not makes things much worse.


I had the same issue with my first husband, and with my present one. I don't think there is much to be done about it (i.e. you might be able to reach a compromise, I just mean he might always be a bit sad about the fact that you need time to yourself, but he might be able to accept it to a point). The funny part about it is it seems us, women who need time by ourselves, seem to always find the men who are our opposite (my husband always wants to be with me, and he's talkative), while I see many NT women complaining about exactly the opposite, that their husband is not with them enough, doesn't talk enough, etc.


Mine does this too.


Same here.


Same again, and same with the first husband. Except for the career part, which I don't understand, I'm not sure what you mean by "he is my career".


I have trouble with this as well (organisation), but I always end up doing everything anyway.


It was a terrible thing for your parents to say, no wonder you have low self-esteem (at least if I judge by your message).


Again this is not good (your parents' advice), and you do realise this.


No you aren't. And I think this "patronising parenting attitude" is somewhat common for quite a few of us (women with ASD), my first husband was that way as well, and my present one is also but to a lesser degree, he tends to put me down more than my first one, but parents me a bit less than the first one.


If I had known I had ASD after I left my first husband, I'm not sure I would have married my 2nd one, many of the issues I had with the first one are exactly the same.


Each child is different, for some of them it is very difficult, and others cope with it well. It also depends on the parents and their relationship after the divorce (it is hard for the kids to be told by each parent that the other is a jerk, etc, so its better to be as nice as possible to each other, but if this is not possible - absolutely impossible with my husband's ex-wife - to the least just don't say bad things about each other to the child).


Again I think this happens to many of us, on one hand I am independent (in a way, I need time to myself, and I want to do my own thing), but dependent at the same time (I am like a child in some ways). Personally I'm not even sure whether I would be able to live alone or not.


Yes do accept yourself for who you are. Don't generalise about men, some are perfectly fine with a woman who is assertive, and others are not.


Not necessarily.


Well all this said, and if you love your husband as you said, and if he loves you, maybe a marriage counselor would be able to help. You will probably be asked to compromise and try to reach a certain "balance" with each other, I don't know.

I wish you good luck!

i was engaged to a guy who thought assertive women were b*****s. when i complained, he said that 80% of men are just like him. my psychiatrist pointed out that the other 20% of men were plenty for me to find just ONE. i am married to a feminist.we both work. i cook, he cleans. he is a sweetheart. we are happy. if marriage counseling doesn't help you and your husband reach a satisfactory compromise, you may well find someone you will be mutually happy with.

It sounds like your reasons for marrying him were deeply related to your own unfilled needs. These needs remain unfilled, as is usually the case. However from every experience, we learn something; and you have learned that the only person who can solve our own issues is ourselves. That's powerful. That's when you stop being a victim and take control of your own life.

Was this ever really a marriage in the deeper sense? Where there was a balance of mutual respect, mutual trust, mutual support? If they were absent, it is a marriage in form only, not a marriage of hearts, minds and souls.

There are some very helpful books by a number of writers. My favourite is David Richo and particularly his "How to be an Adult" and "How to be an Adult in Love". He is acutely aware of what people carry into their adult relationships and try to solve by marrying. He offers no pat answers, though what he does say is to my mind the fruits of the wisdom he has obviously gained.

Why not and cripple his life while you can make the big bucks from alimony and child support. There is no finical reason for you not to divorce him!

Thank you so much for your points of view and advice everyone.

Shadi2, thank you so much for sharing your experiences. (p.s. I meant carer, not career; as in, a carer who looks after me - normally one that disabled people, ahem, need -- does high-functioning Aspie count as a disability?)

As for the last poster advising, I would be completely morally opposed to this. I think men do draw the shorter straw in divorces generally and in this way I support men's rights activism. I just want things to be fair. Problem is, I can't make myself to do my half of the chores, then it's not going to be fair and in the name of fairness I should divorce and let my husband find a better life for himself.

However, your advice (all of you) has encouraged me to look into marriage counselling. I have even started to read a book on housekeeping and applying some of its advice already, so perhaps it is possible for me to become sufficiently practical without mentally suffocating myself

Thank you for the hope and encouragement. I do love my husband but as we know from Frozen, "love means putting somebody else's needs before yours" (Olaf) and therefore I was questioning yesterday whether I can actually do this but today feels better - hopefully we can finally see an upward trend.

Olaf was wrong. Love means mutuality, not one partner serving the other.