Bad Jokes Wanted

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Did you hear about the 2 antennas that got married??

the wedding sucked...but the reception was GREAT!!


just try to top that one

I don't get it...


My old roommate's favorite joke:

"What's brown and sticky?"






"A stick."

You asked for it! Don't say I didn't warn you! These are TERRIBLE!! ! I have many more in my arsenal, too.

Did you hear about the group of cows sent into orbit? It was the herd shot round the world.

*Darth vader voice* Luke Skywalker. I know what you're getting for Christmas. *pause for breath* I felt your presents.

So a frog walks into a loan office. He walked up to the loan officer, whose name plate reads Patricia Waque. He sits across from her and says, "Hello, I'd like to take out a loan." She does a double take, then says, "OK, sir, what's your name?" "My name is Kermit Jagger, son of Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones." "All right, Mr. Jagger, what do you have for collateral?" The frog reaches into his froggy pocket and pulls out a little pink porcelain elephant. Ms. Waque stares a moment, then excuses herself to go see her manager. She brings him in, shows him the frog and the elephant, and says, "Sir, this frog here says his name is Kermit Jagger, son of Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones, and he wants to take out a loan. And all he has for collateral is this.... this THING. What is thing thing?" So her supervisor looks at her, looks at the frog, and looks at the elephant and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Waque, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

((Blame Thagomizer for teaching me this one)): So this couple, Bob and Marsha Hill, are driving on a lonely highway one night when the brakes on their car fail and they crash into a tree on the side. They get out, bruised and bleeding, and realize that they have no way of getting help (no cell phone) so they start walking down the road. After awhile they see a castle up in the distance and decide to ask if the people in the castle can help. They're greeted at the door by a hunchback who introduces himself as Igor. They tell him about the accident, and Igor says that he works for a doctor who might be able to save them. However, they pass out almost simultaneously. Igor runs to the doctor- we all know who that doctor is- and they take the bodies down to the laboratory. The doctor tries several methods to revive the couple, but they are unresponsive, and he can't even find a pulse on either of them. The doctor is heartbroken at his failure and walks to the corner of the room and begins to play his pipe organ, which he does to cheer himself up. As he plays, Igor watches the bodies, and notices they're starting to twitch. Then, Bob and Marsha's eyes open, and they begin to move around. Igor gasps and says to the doctor: "Doctor! Doctor! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

What did the hot dog say when it crossed the finish line? "I'm the wiener!"

I think I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

Some psychology jokes because you're only Jung once! (Or because my brain is Freud.)

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

A distraught man went to a psychiatrist. He exclaimed, "Doctor, I believe that I am possessed by an evil spirit." After talking to the patient at some length, the psychiatrist said, "You do appear to have a problem. I'd like to see you again next Wednesday." After a second session of psychotherapy, the psychiatrist pronounced his patient completely cured. For the next nine months, the psychiatrist sent the man a monthly statement for his professional services, but the man wouldn't pay and refused to acknowledge the debt. Finally, the psychiatrist took the man to court and had him repossessed.

I say, I say, I say, where would you find a tortoise with no legs? Exactly where you left it. Never date a tennis player. Apparently love means nothing to them.

What do you call a straw in space? An as-straw-naut! My friends hate me because of that terrible joke.

Two penguins and a polar bear are sitting on an iceberg. The bear pushes on penguin off. the other penguin yells, "bacon!!"














Don't try to make any sense of it.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000 which will not only cross roads but will lay eggs, file your documents, and balance your chequebook.

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

what have alexander the great and winnie the pooh got in common?
















the same middle name.

What do you call drugs from London?

London Drugs!

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!

That one tops 'em all.

i know a better chicken one, but i can't post it here cos it's not in the mature forum

What's black, white and red all over? A slaughtered zebra.