Invalidation

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that, with a VR headset would be a winner

and Stuart Smalley

and Carl Rogers, the doctors of feelgood

Right, I see... Stuart Smalley

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OcdIQRCoc10

It's something I work on too. I don't think I do it very often anymore, because it's something I've thought about for years. I don't want to try to talk people out of their feelings, but sometimes I catch myself doing it anyway.

I have an urge to try to "reason" with people who are upset, which is ironic because I can't stand it if someone does the same with me, it really pisses me off. lol



Yes that's a good one to remember.

The toughest scenario is when I don't want to allow a person to run roughshod over me if they are venting wildly, to the point of attacking me or insulting me. A lot of times I would have a kneejerk response to just invalidate the person, but it has never once helped or resolved anything. It was just like throwing fuel on the fire.

Also I know it doesn't work to just carefully phrase things so they don't sound offensive, because if my underlying intent is to tell someone they are behaving like an idiot, that intent is still going to come through loud and clear no matter how I say it.

What we think of to say comes out of our own feelings, attitudes, perspectives, etc. It's not always easy to change in the moment when you are interacting with someone. But when I notice things that come to mind, things that probably aren't good for me to say, I can think them over later when the pressure is off and see if I can change my perspective on it.



I think this is just a really common reaction people have, like I said above, it is basically an attempt to reason with the person, when rationality is probably the last thing they want or need in that moment.

It can be kind of a distancing thing too, like "oh I would never freak out the way this person is doing" but everyone freaks out over things that might seem stupid to others, or even to ourselves. No one is immune to it.

What I've realized though is that there actually aren't any stupid things to freak out over. It's all a matter of perspective. Sometimes what seems like a small, inconsequential thing is actually a symbol or reminder of something much bigger. And sometimes people just need to release feelings that are building up inside them.

If I label something "stupid" it's kind of like I am presuming to know all the inner emotional workings of that person...and when really, I don't know. I would rather see it as an opportunity to get to know more about what is going on inside them.



I agree with this somewhat, although I think intentions ultimately do matter...when people get defensive about their intentions it tends to escalate conflict. It can also be used as an excuse too easily ("I didn't mean to...") when people aren't being very self-aware, or sincere.

If a person goes overboard justifying their intentions it kind of throws up a red flag to me...like maybe this person is more concerned with how other people see them, than they are with how they actually impact other people.

I agree completely, you gave great ideas for being diplomatic. The underlying intent, however, of changing the other person's actions so that you like it better, (when their actions are not infringing upon your own rights), is the same whether you do it kindly or if you say outright 'you're over-reacting'. Doesn't matter that the actions you are looking for in someone else are the socially acceptable ones.

Understanding and acceptance is the highest quality someone can have, and if someone is the opposite, they are the lowest a person can be. Just my opinion of course.

And I bet you exert all sorts of control over your own actions, because you would not be able to abide yourself if you acted like those other people.

Last edited by cavernio on 27 May 2015, 9:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Anonymous is hacking your internets xDDD

Something tells me I should abandon my username so that people quit trolling me. Either that or I'm having delusions in which case at least I will fit the criteria for schizophrenia.

May I ask, how does someone with understanding and acceptance react, whatever the intent?

Kraftie, I find you extremely empathic. And if I'm down and you suggest I cheer up I've only to say why I can't and you're very kind. I think listening and changing your mind for what someone says shows far more empathy and is far more validating than trying to be perfectly validating in the first place. Which is impossible.

It's interesting how much response this thread is getting. Most of us are on the spectrum and we can't agree even what is and isn't invalidating. But seems like many of us are familiar with it. Maybe that's the problem here.

Well...it's possible that I might not "like" someone else's actions.

Would you "like it" if, say, someone isolated his/her self when they had to take care of a kid?

But the purpose, really, is not to gratify myself. The purpose is to correct the behavior.

A father cannot isolate himself when he has to be a father. A mother cannot isolate herself when she has to be a mother.

I make mistakes. I don't perform the best, optimal actions all the time. I've done plenty of foolish things in my time. Yes I have! And I don't deserve "validation" for them!

Especially: if the mistake causes harm to some else, it doesn't deserve to be "validated": it deserves to be pointed out as being wrong. Otherwise, the person making the mistake will not evolve, will not grow from it.

If everything is "validated" all the time, everything would stagnate. That's the truth.

I am ignoring you rarebit. I would have put you on ignore if this sites functionality had it.

Thanks, Waterfalls.

You're very sweet. And validating!

invalidating for me is when a high-functioning person tells me to "jerk myself up by my own bootstraps" when I struggle just to keep a head above water. a useful example of invalidating is when Marie Antoinette said the broke and starving peasants should just eat cake. I see all too much of the likes of that around me, on this forum and in the body politic in general.