Too needy I think

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I'm fed up. Well, he called at 7:30 and woke me up. He wanted to come over right away so we could spend the day together. So, we spent about an hour together and I told him I'd like to take a short nap so I could be in better spirits to go about the day. Well, he woke me up. Then, he told me he was exhausted and he had to go back to his apartment to sleep. He said he couldn't sleep here because he didn't bring his medication.

So, I told him this is the 4th day in a row that he has made plans and changed them. I told him in a phone message later that I'm tired of being treated like a doormat for his convenience. I told him I don't know if this is something he can change or if it's just him. I mean, he has extreme executive dysfunction problems and he can't plan anything for s**t. I need to be understanding.

He left here when I still wanted to talk it out. I guess he thought that might hurt me or show me something. Instead, I didn't care. I called just now and left a message with the above and I also told him that my understanding and tolerance has reached an absolute limit.

I don't know what I'd do without him. I'd be alone in Oregon with no friends and nothing to do. I don't know if I'd go back to Georgia or not, since I'm eligible for section 8 and brokerage services in two months. It's going to be a good situation. I feel we will work this out, since he absolutely doesn't want to lose me. I just don't know how long it will be until he stops being pissed off and calls me again. He probably thinks that because I got to sleep, he should be able to sleep.. but he sleeps for hours and hours and I didn't want him to make yet another promise he couldn't keep.. that he would see me later in the day.

I called him back a second time and told him this. I also told him I didn't care how long he was going to stay pissed off at me.

There are two issues here .... his failure to keep his word and your desire for companionship.

His going back on his word could be a serious issue that needs to be resolved, I think. You can't be expected to build a relationship if you don't trust him to be where he says he will be, and do what he says he will do.

Your desire for companionship is something else entirely. I don't see why it should be a problem on your part. Companionship is a major reason to get involved in a relationship in the first place. Perhaps he sees it totally differently, though, in which case this is something for the two of you to work out.

Thanks. I just sent him a long email with all my thoughts. It helped to write it out. It seems that the consensus on the forum is that I am not too needy. That helps to know. I'm really angry and having it rough right now. I don't know how or if this can be resolved.

On top of this, I don't think he's getting his needs met either right now. There is always something I am not doing. It's a weird time for us, because when we are in sync, this is all very easy and natural for us to relate to each other and fulfill each other's needs.

However, he has never, in two years, been able to keep his word to me. I'm not sure if I can continue to handle it. It may be that I just have to find a way to accept it and deal with it if I want him in my life.

Good insight. I'm sure you're right about that. But it also means that he should be more communicative with you about what his needs are.




Two years?? To me, that would be a deal-breaker. But to be totally fair, does he realize this? What I mean is ... does "failing to keep his word" mean the same thing to him as it does to you? It's possible that it doesn't, and he doesn't even see it as being a case of him not keeping his word. I'm not trying to take sides, I just think it's possible that the two of you don't see the problem in the same way.

I don't think he does see it the same way. I believe he sees it as if his failures to keep his word are all due to his "condition" and that I should just understand and go with the flow.

I think you are making one of the seven dumbest relationship mistakes smart people make and one of them is making excuses for your mate for his behavior. I am reading a book called The Seven Dumbest Relationship Mistakes Smart People Make by Carolyn N. Bushong, LPC and I saw I made few of those mistakes and one of them was me trying to rescue my ex from his problems and I was making up excuses for him for his ignorance. "Oh he has PTSD so he's afraid of people thinking he be a pedophile" "Oh I will educate him on adult babies and he will see I am not a real baby" "Oh he has PTSD so that's why he acts so stupid" "I will fix his ignorance once I get him educated" and I also did the same mistake with my first ex. He was lazy and my excuse was 'he is just young" "he has low self esteem so I'm being patient with him" "he maybe has AS so he doesn't understand how I'm feeling" and the fact I was trying to rescue him from being lazy by trying to help him. Also I think you may be playing the martyr and it's with trying to go with the flow and trying to get used to this your mate is doing.

So I'm stupid. Now what? I mean, I'm disabled also. Can I really be in a position to say I won't settle for this?

You are definitely NOT stupid! I think you're trying very hard to be compassionate and understanding of his needs, while getting gobbled up by your own. I also don't think he's a bad guy, and I'm not making excuses for him, as I don't even know him, but I'm in a relationship with disabilities in both parties, and when our issues play against each other, it's hell. When we're just living and going about our business, we are good for each other and influence each other in a positive manner. I understand you feeling 'needy'. I've been having issues with this myself lately as well. My bf (of 13 years) is ADD-inattentive, and I'm very likely Aspergers. When I've got 100 things on my mind, most of them stress inducing (a lot of the time, it's trying to figure our son's life out, he's 12)... and he just sits there cleaning the barbecue for three hours like there's nothing more relevent going on in the entire universe, it drives me mad. My brain is screaming "solve, solve, SOLVE!! !"... while his is taking note of the way the clouds are moving.... very frustrating. Then I get feeling resentful (like somehow ADD is an excuse to have his head in the clouds) and often I blow things right out of proportion, hoping that SOMETHING will grab & hold his attention, or at the very least, it'll be blatantly obvious that he's NEEDED ....& not just for cuddles! ~ Somehow, he still doesn't 'get it' and I have to tell myself to go lay down and press the reset button, before I make everyone's life miserable for the remainder of the day ....then, we wake up & do it all over again. My hope is that one day, we'll get it together, and understand each other without as much struggle, because I fear if we don't, I won't be able to tolerate this forever.

Do I love him? Absolutely. Does he love me? To the very best of his ability to love anyone I believe. Luckily, he learned very early on not to make last minute changes to plans without expecting at least a bit of a fall out. I try to count my blessings and start each day with a fresh slate.

I'm sure the two of you will be able to work through this. If not, at the very least, I think the two of you should turn to a counselor just to give you both an objective view of how the other feels, and how the other sees things. Then maybe together, you can come up with some ideas for improvement. We all have things that get in our way of things going smoothly, but he needs to understand that letting you down (which is how you're feeling) FOUR days in a row, is a little bit selfish. At the same time, in the future, if he's really feeling the need to be alone (which I can totally understand) yet decides to set aside even a couple of hours to spend with you (to help you with your needs) you really need to bring the best of yourself to the table, and thoroughly enjoy those hours spent.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.....the end!

oh.....annnnnd... lol (I'm long winded)....

You say "I'm disabled, can I really be in a position to say I won't settle for this?"... always remember, you never, EVER have to settle for ANYTHING!! ! Especially if you're not enjoying it, I have to tell myself this all the time, because quite often, I feel like no one else would want me anyway, and since when I'm not having difficulties I think I'm a pretty cool sh*t, I'm trying to deny my poor self esteem from keeping me attached, or obligated to anything that isn't working. Easier said than done, I know. I bet if you didn't call him for a day or two (or 3 or 4, depending) he'd be wondering where the hell his needy girlfriend is, and also wonder why she hasn't needed him in the last couple of days... I bet he'd call. Let him call you... I know it sounds like playing a game, and it is I guess, but most times, it's effective to silently get a point across, without coming off as needy. At least when he calls you, you won't feel like an ass for coming off as needy and chasing him. At the same time, while you're waiting for his call, definitely dive into some special interests to help pass the time.

Thanks. I was so angry this morning, I thought I would explode. I talked to my aunt and she said that BF is probably feeling very guilty that he cannot be there for me more and that is why he keeps making promises he can't keep. He is tired, upon coming home from a long trip to the east coast, and he needs to rest and recover.. but he wants to spend time with me and has no energy.

I KNOW his intentions are good. I just wish he would stop saying he'll do things he can't.. but maybe I pressure him to do that. So, I emailed him again, sympathizing and telling him that I don't want him to make any more promises.

Both BF and I have high tolerances for the other's disability, which is one reason our relationship has lasted this long. I doubt I would find a more tolerant BF anywhere. He's a good guy even though I've been so pissed at him today.

I did not call you stupid. I said you were making one of the seven dumbest relationship mistakes smart people make. It's a book I'm reading. At least I know I am not dumb for repeating the same relationship mistakes in my second relationship I had because people make them over and over in relationships. Now I just learned I also played the martyr in my last relationship. Now three mistakes I have made so far I've learned.

I don't think your BF should keep promising to do things he isn't going to do and he has to do them if he promised. You shouldn't keep accepting what he is doing to you. At least you told him how it makes you feel, that's what people are supposed to do in relationships and the author wrote to tell your mate how you feel and what you don't like what he or she does and how it makes you feel.

So now I feel guilty and scared. I feel like I was way too hard on him. I'm afraid of losing him for his own fear that will probably come up about his being unable to meet my expectations. I almost lost him over that fear before.

I do love him. Now that he realizes how important to me this is, I hope that he will make changes. I'm not sure if I'd leave him if he doesn't make the changes. Yes, the stress of his not following through is intense--esp for me being autistic and all--but he also does bring me joy and laughter and good times too. Plus, we have been together two years now.

Thanks for clarifying that you didn't think I was stupid. I have been so emotional all day long that it's been difficult to filter what I read at times. I'm not used to being quite so intensely angry. I wonder if what happened was a sort of meltdown, though usually, I associate my own meltdowns with crying.

You should lose him. You have an unhealthy relationship and you are not treated well. Never stay in relationships because you are scared to be alone. This will cause you to put up with mistreatment. Get rid of him.



If he has not made changes in two years, the chances of him doing so now are incredibly tiny.



You are not stupid. It is scary to leave someone and it is hard in the short term. In the long term though, you will most likely be happier. Don't put up with being treated like crap and having promises broken all the time. It will wear down your self-esteem and you will have trouble being on your own or thinking you deserve someone who treats you better.

I am being fairly blunt here but it is the truth.

Aspies can be so low maintenance that we become high maintenance. This is primarily because of expectations that are put upon us that we do not recognize or are uncertain how to fulfill. I know that I need prolonged periods of isolation to decompress or I find that my ability to interact with the outside world is seriously impeded. When you want him to meet with you, is it a place where he feels safe? If there are other people he has to interact with during his visits with you this could cause him great anxiety. How does he get to your place? Even the ride/drive to a place can be daunting if there is a lot of stimuli on the way. The key is to create a place at your house where he can hyperfocus for awhile on whatever his interest is. If you have an aspie boyfriend, you will never have a traditional relationship.

You spoke frequently about his medications, and how he uses them as an excuse not to stay over. He probably has a great dependancy on whatever the medication is for. I know that my ability to function outside my house is very difficult without my medications. You asked him to show you that he cares. This also may be very difficult for him. You may have to tell him exactly what he needs to do to show it, and he may only do it the one time thinking he proved it. If you want affection, ask for it. If you want to spend extended periods of time with him, make sure he feels secure doing it. It may help him to have a set time frame with a specific activity planned in advance. If anyone asks me to come over for awhile to hangout, and spend time together, I automatically start looking for excuses not to do it. If my hypothetical girlfriend asks me to come over at 7PM to eat dinner, watch a movie, have sex, sleep over and leave in the morning I would be able to plan for this. Just don't throw any surprise activities or trips anywhere into the agenda.

That last post gave me a lot to ponder. You see, I am more the one for fixed, rigid routines and reliable expectations. BF is not. He shows his AS through his obsessive interest in chess and his social awkwardness. I show my AS more through my difficulty with routines being messed up and sensory overwhelm and all that good stuff.

In some ways, this relationship is just not good for me, true. I won't argue that. It goes against what I need to live a happy autistic life because I do need some sense of stability with him. On the other hand, he can be so intensely loving! We pretty much easily understand each other most of the time, because we share the same condition. Many times, he makes me extremely happy. I haven't quite weighed out all the benefits vs. unhealthy pains in this relationship. I think everyone needs to define that for themselves.

I can't believe all the amazing processing I've done due to this website and all who have contributed to help me today. God, I appreciate it more than you know!

I'm calmer now, more worn out than anything, thinking of sleeping.

UPDATE: Thought this was over and then I lay down in emotional exhaustion only to realize that I was completely overfilled with miserable emotions. Somehow, I slept and woke up feeling a bit better. This has been hell.