"Why don't you just decide to be happy" they say

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People who are saying one can choose to be happy seem to me to be assuming everyone else has the same kind of brain they have.

Frankly, I read it as a very polite way of saying, "If you weren't so lazy, your autism would have no symptoms."

But what if you become clinically depressed? What if you have a neurological condition that is causing you to feel unhappy and scatterbrained all the time, so that you can't even make yourself a cup of tea without crying, or forgetting the teabag? (I'm talking of depression, which AS people are very prone to. )

I have months where, no matter how much I try to cheer myself up, by doing little positive things like keeping my space tidy, it is just overwhelming, and I don't have the energy to keep it up. When you are depressed, all those little things take a monumental effort AND 9 times out of 10, you end up messing them up, and having to deal with that. When I'm depressed, I lose things, spill things, forget things, and make big mistakes, and feel sooooo overwhelmed.


And then, one day, I'm okay, and I'm able to smile, and be creative. When I'm in THAT zone, it's really easy to say, "Gee, why didn't I decide to be like this before?" When I'm in that non-depressed zone, I CAN make the decision to be happy. I can put on a little make-up, and mend the hole in the armpit of my shirt, and do those little things to be my best. When I'm in the depressed zone, those things aren't available to me. I don't know how to access "happiness" at those times. In fact, while in that state, I don't want to be near anyone at all, because if they tell me to "smile" or "choose to be happy", then that will make me feel REALLY awful about myself.

in that case, here's an article for you:
http://www.scientificamerican.com/artic ... olutionary

I hate hearing that. I can't just 'decide to be happy'. It's much harder than people think.

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Last edited by Hmmmn on 18 Sep 2009, 7:28 am, edited 3 times in total.

'Trying' to be happy when you aren't is a recipe for disaster.

After an up and down 2006, my 2007 New Year's Resolution was that I would try to be happier - be more positive, talk more to my friends if I had problems (and in general to other people) and try not to let things bother me. Well, the first few days were OK, but soon after that the depression came back worse than ever. Within two months I was hospitalised, spent the rest of the year (and more) on mind numbing medication which made me feel different, but no better, lost both my friends and ruined my chances of making something out of my job (a research project). Apart from those few days at the beginning, the year was pretty much entirely a living hell.

Those people who think they can make themselves feel happy are clearly not starting off from the same point as I was. I try hard in everything I want to do - there was no question of it being my fault for not putting enough effort in somewhere. In fact, maybe the 'trying' makes things worse by raising expectations which cannot be met. Now I don't try, I just accept - some days I am happy, others not. I can't do much about this.

By the way Chawieman, my depression was a logical consequence of circumstances - there is no evidence to suggest depression is based on a lack of logic. Furthermore, Aspies are not descended from Neanderthals - no modern humans are, but even if they were, both Aspies and NTs would be equally descended. Psychology does not count as science in my book - it may be a useful way of describing people's behaviours, but it isn't based on hard biological facts - noone understands the brain anywhere near enough to be able to do that yet.

We're all in the same boat mate

Actually, think I will tell a few of them.

Wife has been in Emergency Room 2 of last 5 days and now has 3 additional health issues on top of recovering from surgery on her foot.
And there's not a whole hell of a lot I can do to make her hurt less, or heal any faster.
My health ain't the greatest and I'm having a lot trouble that way today - and my coordination is off, so driving is out of the question today.
One of the cats (not the one in the avatar) decided to climb up wife's back and scratched her up pretty good.
Son is out of a job and sick with hepatitis and influenza B - there's 3 little kids to support - and he lives 2 hours away from us, making us not able to contribute any relief to them.

These things, and others, are really working on me today.

My beliefs on this. The only thing that can help those of us who have a temperament that is prone to depression and anxiety is acceptance. Acceptance of life the way it is. Looking honestly at your life and feelings, even if you really hate what you see, but perhaps one day, with peace and acceptance, you will be able to find some things to be genuinely good about. And it will be genuine positivity, not something you are telling yourself.

And of couse, if something bad is happening, realising that you dont have to be perfect or happy and that at the moment you cant do anything but be in pain, but using all your strength to get through the next minute and get through the day, and look back on it and think "I have been through a lot of pain today. It is enough that I have got through today."

Last edited by zen_mistress on 17 Sep 2009, 3:11 pm, edited 2 times in total.

this is the approach I've adopted as well, and it really took the pressure off. the fact that I get depressed is separate from my worth and abilities. period.

my doc insisted for a long time that my depression was circumstantial and that when the pressure was off I'd feel better. now that is true for the anxiety component, but the depression is rooted in the physical and is mostly due to my wonky sleep patterns. once I figured that out (on my own, I might add), there were things I could do to help with the depression. BUT deciding not to feel depressed isn't one of them; self-acceptance and getting adequate sleep are.

To be fair, being happy is a choice. If you can't learn to be happy with nothing, having everything won't solve the core problem.

This does not diminish any "issues" you legitimately struggle with, but if you purpose in your heart to be a happy person and focus on positives as much as you can, you will be amazed how it changes your overall disposition.

Nobody's said that to me, but if they did it would totally annoy me. It's not like I can just decide to be happy if I'm not happy.

I missed this because I was typing my previous post, but I wanted to comment that this is wise, wise advice. today I have genuine positivity because of self-acceptance and making it through a lot of days when it was just enough to make it through them.

^ Well, maybe Im on the right track then. Different things work for different people anyway, I think perhaps some people find that the "try to be happy" thing helps them but they dont realise that some brains may not find this compatible with their thought processes.

That makes sense to me. It appears that much of what is commonly meant by 'happiness' is determined by external circumstances outside of our direct control.

Another thing I notice is that much happiness is 'relative'. It is not an absolute that happens to an individual regardless of external circumstances. Theres an old story that starts with you receiving a surprise bonus of $500 from your employer for all the "excellent work that we've noticed you do". Obviously you'll go to work with a smile on your face, you are happy. Then when you get to work and tell about your bonus, you find that everybody else got a $1000+ bonus. Now you are unhappy and livid at how you've been treated. Thats human nature.

Given that, I wonder if there isn't a finite total of 'happiness' available to the system as a whole and an increase in happiness in one area will always result in a decrease somewhere else. The happiness gets spread a little thin in densely populated places.

And they say "ignorance is bliss". I'm not absolutely sure about it, but off the top of my head I recall reading many times about more intelligent people generally suffering more depression.

Last edited by ManErg on 17 Sep 2009, 3:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The brain is a highly complex device that takes a sometimes super human effort in order to get the most out of it, depending on the issues one has at a certain time. It's not human to be happy all the time, unfortunately. However, happiness can be found from within, even in dire outside circumstances.