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Why do they not like it when I claim to be different?

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AnnePande
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12 Oct 2009, 8:04 am

I think it's kind of annoying too, because eg. even if "all people" struggle at times with having difficulties getting things done or stuff like that, it's not the same as executive dysfunction. But it can be quite a work to make people understand that.
Or they say it to "comfort" me, but I don't ask for comfort, I'm just telling them about an issue, it's not in order to complain.
Besides, it's the issue in itself that is the issue - not that I worry because I think I'm the only one. Even if no NTs had similar issues, there would always be the other aspies. :D
It doesn't make it better that "all people have this", because then there are more people with problems - shouldn't it be worse instead of better?
I don't understand this NT obsession with majority: if more people have the same problem, the problem is already solved alone by knowing that, so to speak... :roll:



Spokane_Girl

12 Oct 2009, 3:54 pm

Having a learning disability, it's annoying to hear "College is hard for everyone" "Everyone struggles" "Work is hard for everyone." Okay but is it so hard they fail all their classes with no extra help? "Everyone needs help sometimes" But do they need help every single day in all their school assignments or else they flunk? Do they all need special ed? I have not ever seen a whole entire school going to special ed for help with their school work or seeing anyone not being able to do it on their own.



Last edited by Spokane_Girl on 12 Oct 2009, 10:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CockneyRebel
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12 Oct 2009, 10:57 pm

People are afraid of people and things that are different from the norm, because they don't understand that what can be different can be beautiful.


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13 Oct 2009, 7:11 am

A lot of good points have been mentioned here already.
Here's another thought: Maybe they simply don't know how to respond. That happens to me a lot. If someone tells me something that they have, are or have gone through (can't be more specific without breaking my word) I am at a loss for what to say. How to respond. It's not because what they say distress me or bothers me, I just don't know what to say or how to react. So maybe NTs can feel like that too?



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13 Oct 2009, 7:16 am

^ good point-and they feel like they have to say something.



AnnePande
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13 Oct 2009, 7:19 am

Spokane_Girl wrote:
Having a learning disability, it's annoying to hear "College is hard for everyone" "Everyone struggles" "Work is hard for everyone." Okay but is it so hard they fail all their classes with no extra help? "Everyone needs help sometimes" But do they need help every single day in all their school assignments or else they flunk? Do they all need special ed? I have not ever seen a whole entire school going to special ed for help with their school work or seeing anyone not being able to do it on their own.


Yes, exactly! :D



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13 Oct 2009, 7:24 am

I've always kind of thought of it to be some really weird competitive thing. As in, people compete about EVERYTHING in general, good or bad. If one person says something bad has happened to them, someone always pipes up that they've had something happen that is 10 times worse. I don't know if they are trying to bond by sharing common experiences, or if they are literally trying to have the attitude of "no matter what you have had happen to you, I've had it worse".

It does bother me a lot when people do that to me, especially if I'm just trying to figure something out. I can say "I have a really hard time with this" and before I get a chance to ask advice or suggestions, someone will say "oh I used to do that all of the time", or "you're not the only one". Things like that. It's a way of blowing me off, or trying to make it seem less severe than it is... it accomplishes that for them, but for me it's infuriating.

I've noticed it on parent forums and such too for children with autism. Many parents there have shared a lot of stories of them just talking about things their child can or cannot do, and they say someone always pipes up with "well at least your child can talk" and things like that.... like a big "who has it worse" competition.

In the end, it really doesn't matter who has it worse, and attitudes like that just create conflict IMO rather than support or reassurance.

I also find it ironically funny when people do that... I guess because people always talk about us lacking theory of mind, not caring what others think, lack of empathy, etc.... but normal every day people retort with things like this ALL the time in response to someone else's dilemma.

Maybe they just don't know what to say and are doing the same thing I do essentially... just saying something that somehow relates in an attempt to identify with the other person.... except, they seem to go farther than I do. If I can't identify in any way whatsoever, I just stay quiet or say flat out "I can't relate to that so don't know what to say".


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13 Oct 2009, 7:45 am

I reckon they just "don't get it"....... they don't know how to hear what you say and accept that you are relating something about yourself with honesty.... not for kudos, special treatment or any other agenda.

Most NTs hide aspects that could be considered a bit iffy about themselves.... they live in a very competative world and can't understand that others may be different.
Difference is viewed with suspicion.
If NTs don't have a "handle" on things they seem to be insecure..... insecurity is something to be avoided...... so ignoring, or denying the existence of credible difference protects the notion of security.

This NT attitude I find rather offensive as it is a rejection of not only what you say but of yourself.



Spokane_Girl

13 Oct 2009, 4:33 pm

anxiety25 wrote:
I've always kind of thought of it to be some really weird competitive thing. As in, people compete about EVERYTHING in general, good or bad. If one person says something bad has happened to them, someone always pipes up that they've had something happen that is 10 times worse. I don't know if they are trying to bond by sharing common experiences, or if they are literally trying to have the attitude of "no matter what you have had happen to you, I've had it worse".

It does bother me a lot when people do that to me, especially if I'm just trying to figure something out. I can say "I have a really hard time with this" and before I get a chance to ask advice or suggestions, someone will say "oh I used to do that all of the time", or "you're not the only one". Things like that. It's a way of blowing me off, or trying to make it seem less severe than it is... it accomplishes that for them, but for me it's infuriating.

I've noticed it on parent forums and such too for children with autism. Many parents there have shared a lot of stories of them just talking about things their child can or cannot do, and they say someone always pipes up with "well at least your child can talk" and things like that.... like a big "who has it worse" competition.

In the end, it really doesn't matter who has it worse, and attitudes like that just create conflict IMO rather than support or reassurance.

I also find it ironically funny when people do that... I guess because people always talk about us lacking theory of mind, not caring what others think, lack of empathy, etc.... but normal every day people retort with things like this ALL the time in response to someone else's dilemma.

Maybe they just don't know what to say and are doing the same thing I do essentially... just saying something that somehow relates in an attempt to identify with the other person.... except, they seem to go farther than I do. If I can't identify in any way whatsoever, I just stay quiet or say flat out "I can't relate to that so don't know what to say".



I go to Yahoo Answers and sometimes a question will pop up asking their child does X and other parents go their child does it too. One time a mother posted a question there and told about how her five month old can't stay in her arms and wriggles around in her arms and she doesn't know how to stay put. I reply saying dislike of being held is one of the first signs of autism and I would keep an eye out for more" and the mother got defensive while the other moms who were answering her question were saying they have the same problem with their babies or had the same problem.
Few days ago I see another question and the mom is about about if it's normal for her two year old to repeat herself and everything she says and other parents go "That's normal, mine does it too" sometimes I wonder if all these kids are on the spectrum and the parents are just in denial. But suggest their kid might have a condition, they get upset and you get thumbed down for it which I care less about.



Last edited by Spokane_Girl on 13 Oct 2009, 7:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.

anxiety25
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13 Oct 2009, 6:08 pm

Spokane_Girl wrote:
I go to Yahoo Answers and sometimes a question will pop up asking their child does X and other parents go their child does it too. One time a mother posted a question there and told about how her five month old can't stand in her arms and is wriggles around in her arms and she doesn't know how to stay put. I reply saying dislike of being held is one of the first signs of autism and I would keep an eye out for more" and the mother got defensive while the other moms who were answering her question were saying they have the same problem with their babies or had the same problem.
Few days ago I see another question and the mom is about about if it's normal for her two year old to repeat herself and everything she says and other parents go "That's normal, mine does it too" sometimes I wonder if all these kids are on the spectrum and the parents are just in denial. But suggest their kid might have a condition, they get upset and you get thumbed down for it which I care less about.


Yep, I always wonder why they bother asking in the first place if they don't want to hear what it might be... if they are asking, they are concerned and want to know what to do, right? Or are they just asking so they can worry more about it and get no reasons at all.

Some of the things I see on there are very normal things for kiddos to do, repeating can be at times, but what frustrates me is the possibility is always there, because they are not giving enough details to anything. It's like, a parent showing up and saying, "My kid doesn't look at anything I point at", but doesn't say how old they are or anything like that.

I saw one parent talking about how their child doesn't wave "goodbye" to anyone ever and he's a year old. Then someone asked him (after about 2 pages finally someone asked) whether or not he'd ever been taught or shown to do that even, and the guy said no, lol. I seriously thought maybe he just wanted people to say that maybe it was the worst thing possible that they could think of just so he could work himself up even more, because that is the only reason that makes any sense to me.


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13 Oct 2009, 6:18 pm

anxiety25 wrote:
I've always kind of thought of it to be some really weird competitive thing. As in, people compete about EVERYTHING in general, good or bad. If one person says something bad has happened to them, someone always pipes up that they've had something happen that is 10 times worse. I don't know if they are trying to bond by sharing common experiences, or if they are literally trying to have the attitude of "no matter what you have had happen to you, I've had it worse".

It does bother me a lot when people do that to me, especially if I'm just trying to figure something out. I can say "I have a really hard time with this" and before I get a chance to ask advice or suggestions, someone will say "oh I used to do that all of the time", or "you're not the only one". Things like that. It's a way of blowing me off, or trying to make it seem less severe than it is... it accomplishes that for them, but for me it's infuriating.

I've noticed it on parent forums and such too for children with autism. Many parents there have shared a lot of stories of them just talking about things their child can or cannot do, and they say someone always pipes up with "well at least your child can talk" and things like that.... like a big "who has it worse" competition.

In the end, it really doesn't matter who has it worse, and attitudes like that just create conflict IMO rather than support or reassurance.

I also find it ironically funny when people do that... I guess because people always talk about us lacking theory of mind, not caring what others think, lack of empathy, etc.... but normal every day people retort with things like this ALL the time in response to someone else's dilemma.

Maybe they just don't know what to say and are doing the same thing I do essentially... just saying something that somehow relates in an attempt to identify with the other person.... except, they seem to go farther than I do. If I can't identify in any way whatsoever, I just stay quiet or say flat out "I can't relate to that so don't know what to say".


I actually think it's some sort of competitive thing too. Alot of normal people like to brag how "unique" they are when they're not. I once tried to join in with a group of nerdy theater kids by saying I was a nerd too (cuz I really thought I was) they all responded with "whatever you're too normal to be a nerd".

I really think that other people can be full of themselves. I'm guilty of this too. But jeez I can not stand when other people talk about how unique or nerdy or quirky or different they are when theyre really just like 99% of the rest of the human population...especially when it comes to bragging about such things.

And yes these people dont take anything seriously unless it is something that they can relate to. :roll: My asperger's and my depression is a joke to my NT friends and family (whom are like the kinds of people I've mentioned above that I can not stand). They can brag all they want about how "unique" they are. They obviously dont know what goes on in my messed up head.