AS parents with AS children question

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I was thinking about it, and I hope that I didn't make it sound like it's not okay to ever tell your kids that you've had enough talking/interacting for a little bit. If I did, I apologize. I do tell my kids from time to time that I'm all done talking right now, or that I'm busy doing something else, and I'll get back to them later. There's nothing wrong with doing that.

About the sibling rivalry thing... I was going through some of my old school stuff from when I was a kid awhile ago, and one thing really stood out that I don't really remember being that bad. It was how much I disliked my younger brother. There's story after story that I wrote about how much he gets on my nerves. It really was obsessive. It's very much the same kind of stuff my son writes about his sister all the time. Maybe, it's a common thing for kids on the spectrum to take sibling rivalry to an obsessive level?

Thank you much for the suggestions, as I really haven't known how to approach it in a... way that works, lol. Part of the problem, too, is that she will go into his room just asking for it at times-she knows he's gonna do it and chooses to go in there all the same.

I've tried separating them, but she just antagonizes him, or he just doesn't want to be bothered and she tries to force him to play with her... then I hear the screaming, lol. So maybe I will tell him while he is in there to lock his door so she cannot bother him until he calms down and can be nice?

...I'll also explain that part in a way that sounds beneficial to him, as if it doesn't benefit him, often he doesn't care, so I'll tell him it's so he doesn't get himself into even more trouble while trying to calm down.

No, not at all. I always feel bad telling him that I'm done hearing about this or that, lol, so I tend to probably project that when talking about it. It's not a bad thing of course, but I have to be careful how I say it, because I also don't want him thinking that I just don't want him talking to me about things. Granted, it's never stopped him before, even if I've told him I'm done at times, lol.

I wonder if the reason that kids on the spectrum take it to that new level, is that is isn't JUST someone bugging them... it's someone invading their personal space, it's someone doing things they don't understand, it's someone adding to sensory issues by making noise and stuff. So it's not just "you are getting on my nerves and I want you to go away"... it's "you are getting on my nerves on purpose, and I want to kill you!" In my son's case sometimes that thought is very visible.

Also, I think that with us, that when we finally say "leave me alone", it's taken us a while to figure out that that is what we really want, so we are near breaking point at that time anyway, or are getting there. So it just escalates from that point.

Now, don't get me wrong, there are times he's been incredibly sweet to her. For instance, once in the doctor's office she kept hanging on things and not listening and I yelled at her... she started crying and after a few moments he went and sat next to her, then took her head and laid it on his shoulder and rubbed her hair while she calmed down.

Just here lately, he's all about singling Libby out for things... I do think he misses the attention to some extent too. She is with me all day long because he is at school, then at night he never says things like "I want a bed time story", but she will, so she is the one who winds up getting them. They are in separate rooms, so I can't do 2 stories at once, and she is definitely harder to get to sleep because she will cause a HUGE scene about it if things don't go in the proper order. To avoid that, I read her a story every night. He has mentioned he misses when I used to lay there by him until he fell asleep. I wish there were 2 of me, as I think that causes a lot of the sibling rivalry too.

It might sound overly mechanistic, but have you considered having a sticker chart for good behaviour? You could let your daughter know that when her brother needs "him" time, she'll get a sticker for not bothering him. You could let your son know that if he reads to her nicely and doesn't tease her, he'll get a sticker. Then, at the end of the week, they could have a special treat.

Or if it's easier, you could make it a treat at the end of the day. A week is a long time to keep up good behaviour if you're an aspie kid. Say at the end of the day, "well, you've played nice, what would you like as a special treat for pudding?" (This week I'm making my son banofee pie because he managed to go to school everyday, despite two morning melt downs, and he's practised his piano everyday. Though I think his piano is going to be his next obsession, and I won't have to bribe him to go on... the difficulty is more likely to be getting him to come off the thing before ten at night.)

So, if you spot your daughter about to impinge on your son's private time, you can dive in, and say, "want to come and help me instead?" Then, think of an activity. Maybe you could read to her, and shower her with praise.

Then when her brother is in a mood to be sociable, keep an eye on the situation, praise him for treating her well, and remind him there's a sticker in it.

If he's into graphs, you could get him to chart it over time.

Of course, you'll have to watch a tendency for them to "outgood" each other. But I think that might be a workable tool for you...

I've started to have meltdowns myself in the evening, after a whole afternoon of adjusting to the way my autistic son has to have everything done exactly right, and watching him lash out at his little brother and hitting him for no good reason. So suddenly, when he refuses to get his pj's on and squeals at me I just squeal back and throw the damn thing. Then he gets rightfully upset with me and tells me I've been bad and have to apologize or throws something himself or hits me and I start crying and basically run out of the room. I feel terrible about it, he's only five, he shouldn't have to deal with my meltdowns, I'm the mom for pete's sake, but I sometimes reach a breaking point and it happens very fast and I feel terrible about it even as it's happening, which of course makes me cry, and then he tries to comfort me by promising to be good!

It's really bad sometimes. I go to bed crying because I feel like such a rotten mother for not behaving like the adult. I guess I'm just too tired to deal sometimes.

Wow, your house sounds like my house, sibling rivalry and all!

My son talks and talk on and on about his 'daily races" he plays online. It is such a bore. He keeps trying to make me play under the avatar (or user) that he insisted on me getting. Now my reply is no, i like barbies. lol! It gets so annoying, but mostly i just nod, say uh huh and he is fine with it (even though i have no idea what he tells me). Sometimes he talks at the right time and i can't help but get irritated. Before bed, we talk and a rule i have is no video game talk. He likes that. My parents also come and get both of them on some weekends. That REALLY helps with my sanity!

I'm an aspie and my daughter is too young to know if she is one yet. And she STILL drives me mad sometimes. :p
I think it is part of being a parent. I adore her to bits, but she does drive me mad a lot. :p

No need to feel guilty.

Oh wow do I belong on this thread! I feel like I am the only one in the world dealing with this stuff. I was diagnosed with AS in March, my son (3) was diagnosed with PDD-NOS two months before that and I suspect that will change to AS eventually, and my little son (2) is going in for his eval soon (suspect a future case of AS also). My house is madness right now.

My older son's stims mostly revolve around the mouth, chewing and making "mouth noises" which unfortunately I am super, WAY over sensitive to. It's fingernails on a chalkboard for me. Plus he stims off his own voice, so talking over and over and yelling over and over and he is so loud for 14 hours a day. I can really relate to the guilt of wanting to throttle your kid over stims or special interests. My son is into trains right now, and luckily he is young enough that I can still muster an interest in how much he knows, but my 2 year old already wants to know the actual names of trains (like B&O locomotive etc.) and it's already over my head. I feel like I am going to be batty in a few years.

L2K

I honestly don't think there is anything wrong with telling children that they need to be quiet now. I used to always tell my kids you need to be quiet now so that I can concentrate on doing this or that. (This was true) Also I have had enough of talking about XXXXXXXX. Either that or ask them to go and do or find something for me, check the mailbox, feed the dog, tidy their room, after a while kids will know not to yap at you, or to stop when you ask them to otherwise they will get a boring job to do. Nothing wrong with that.

I think it's good for kids to know that their parents have their limits too. In a way you are doing your children a service by setting limits because other people are going to say worse things than that to them if they do the same thing to every one they come accros.

Yeah, I know the feeling. That's why it can take me all day to do something simple like check my email.

I've read through many of the posts, and I want to say something about it. You guys are doing a great job as parents.

One that stood out to me... as a parent having a meltdown... my sister is the opposite of Aspergers, and she has meltdown after meltdown in front of her children, and she doesn't realize she does it and she doesn't care when she does realize it. Like, one time, she called me complaining about the way her son with Aspergers talks to her, and I explained to her that it wasn't an Aspergers thing as much as a learned behavior from her example in the way she talks to her mother...oh, that got ugly. No, the fact that you recognize that you do make mistakes and you are willing to admit it and try to fix it says more than most parents (autistic or not).