HELP How do I get my Aspie teen to do his work???

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My parents had a huge problem with me on this. And nothing they tried worked (and trust me they tried it all). So, they stopped trying. Now, that's not to say that they quit loving or supporting me. They just stopped trying to direct me. They inquired how I was doing, answered my questions when I had them, but otherwise completely gave me a free hand.

Now I'm not saying that's what every aspie needs. But, it is the exact thing that some of us need, especially when we're going through High School. That's a time when so much is running through our heads that at times, all the trying and caring and "coddling" in the world, only makes it worse.

My advice would be to analyze the situation first, and then talk to your kid about it. Does he seem like he's rebelling? Are his interest suddenly changing? Is he interested in a girl (that can have HUGE spillover into the rest of his life). Ask him if he wants you to try to help motivate him or if he wants you to back off and let him just run with it for a while.

And be careful how much the school helps him. It is important for the teachers to know and understand the situation, but if they do to much, many aspies can come to resent the "help". You have to be careful to not place your son in the category that he "needs" help. Aspies are fine, we just have problems dealing with certain things.

Anyways, I hope some of that was helpful. Like I said, just analyze the situation, and most importantly, talk to your son about it. And don't forget, he may be an aspie, but he's a boy too, and that comes with a whole host of other issue

GL

In all seriousness, give up on trying to make him a nice little NT and accept who he is and what he is. He may not want to follow the school agenda and curriculum and he may NEVER fit into it.

Your frustration and the frustration of the teachers may indeed come from desperately wanting him to be something he is not.
Why is is so important he follows the school curriculum?

I hate to burst your bubble, but some if us are pure autodidacts and trying to squeeze us into anything that is NOT self-imposed and self-generated routines and special interests is akin to KILLING our spirits.

I am 47. I had years of that. I have found joy and happiness by being autistic/asperger's ME.
I do not fit in anywhere really, except my own skin and my sense of self is derived from a fusion with my special interests.

Change YOUR expectations...maybe they and not him...are the problem. I see this dilemma in so many parents who want their ASD children to fit more easily into society and the world at large. In my case, the pressure of that approach drove me to drug and alcohol addictions for many years because I COULD NOT FIT AND DID NOT FIT.

Peace, abstinence and joy came for me with a dx and with an acceptance i am who i am and what I am and I am FINE as I am, even if others do not understand or think so.

Why don't you encourage him with his special interests and see where THAT takes him?????

FYI - in my case, I failed the first four years of high school in spite of being SUPER intelligent. In the last two years i duxed most of my subjects and I did so because I WANTED TO, and wanted to do it for me. BUT i then had four failed attempts at uni and could not cope with life on life's terms because of my ASD and sensory issues and my inability to fit into the mainstream.

I eventually built a very successful painting/art career and have won awards etc. And right when I am getting to the top level of painting in my country, this special interest (painting) decides to take a sabbatical and has disappeared, only to be replaced with a new special interest. I could fight all of this, so that I continued to appear prestigiously "NT" for others, but the reality is I have AS and my particular presentation places far more importance in the ecstasy of my special interest pursuits than it does on trying to fit in with an NT career trajectory. So, I drop the painting when it leaves and the new special interest takes over. All the NT art people around me scratch their heads in amazement and do not understand the shift in me. Those who do understand are my ASD clinical psychologist, many AS friends on ASD forums and some NT people who "get" what it is to have Asperger's.

Some of us will never fit the mould of the world. And that is a grand and lovely thing.
I am happy. I LOVE MY LIFE and WHO I AM. AND I HAVE FOUGHT EVERY STEP OF THE WAY FOR THIS LEVEL OF JOY AND SELF-ACCEPTANCE.

Rejoice in WHO and WHAT your son is. Love him for that and let him be him.

I also agree about withholding a special interest. before my son was dx'd everyone thought keeping him away from his computer would be good for him. it wasn't. it caused so much anxiety that things got worse.

I decided to pay my kids for doing things they hate, and then letting them spend their money how they like. my son buys games. my daughter is saving for a drum set.

it didn't take long for my son to figure out that even though brushing his teeth is only worth 25 cents and showering is only worth a buck, that if he consistently does what's on his schedule he gets a good paycheck on Sunday. he gets 50 cents if the school doesn't call me during the day, 25 cents for going to bed on time, and a dollar for getting the trash and recycling to the curb once a week. I also told him I'll give him $10 for every A on his report card. now that he's used to putting in the effort for the weekly reward, the report card reward isn't a fuzzy concept any more, it's a solid goal he's working toward.

my kids have different stuff on their lists because they have different challenges. my daughter gets paid to do her homework and hand it in, because she was in a such a bad habit of losing her papers. I don't need to pay her to not call me, because it's never been a problem for her.

some may say it's bribery, but I say welcome to real life. grown-ups get paid for their work, some of which isn't that fun. kids might as well learn that lesson while they're learning to be responsible for themselves.

Well I had a similar experience around that age. I did very little school work and my grades were terrible from like the end of 7th grade until about 10th when I had some accommodations. I don't know if I'd say it was too easy for me or too hard. I simply didn't want to do the work. For a number of reasons. I did not want to be there obviously, I didn't like having to work with other students, and unless I liked the teacher I wouldn't do any work for them. Tardiness was a big problem for me and that turned into suspensions for that which just led to me not showing up at all.

My mom fought with the school system for long time and after going through a bunch of "solutions" which all failed pretty much they eventually ended up with the idea of letting me meet 1 on 1 with 1 teacher at my home or the school or wherever for all subjects a couple times a week which is how I graduated on time. I liked my teacher so I did the work. That's obviously not the best solution but I graduated on time which I would not of otherwise. My therapists idea and number of other peoples was to send me to a private school outside the district which specialized in kids with "issues" but the school system would not pay for that.

In Year 11 and Year 12 - the final years in Australia when I duxed most subjects - I did so because the principal at my school allowed me to work from home and come in once or twice a week to speak with teachers and pick up and hand in assignments. It was an informal arrangement and we never broadcast it. Back then, in 1979 and 1980, I was not even Dx'ed as AS did not really exist. BUt he knew I was different and he listened to me.

I am forever grateful to that principal for having the intelligence and the compassion to listen to me, to listen to how I needed to do things and to accommodate these needs without needing to turn me into an NT kid who "could cope" with school.

All they knew was that I was gifted, rebellious and in a lot of pain and confusion.
And he let me carve out my own way of studying and working in isolation. I wish there were more parents and educators like him. Too many spend all their time trying to get their AS kids to fit into NT methods and boxes which are unsuitable and at worst, traumatic and completely distressing.

Presumably the incentives don't always work...

What about a special prize or trip if he does his homework and gets a good grade at the end of the week? If I got good grades or had good behavior during the week, I got to pick out a speical prize or go on a special outing (such as to the zoo or museum).