Are we more judgmental than NTs?

Post Reply New Topic

If someone does one bad thing or what I think is a bad thing but is otherwise a saintly person, I'm going to remember that bad thing they did and never forgive them for it. I've been this way ever since childhood and I STILL have grudges against people for things they did to me when I was a child. If I decide you are a bad person, all bets of me forgiving you are probably off.

Unless the bad thing is something really bad such as cutting my right hand off or killing my puppy, if the good outweighs the bad then I'll remember the good.

I remember bad things, if they're really bad. I remember good things. What are these "people" of which you speak?

The premise of the thread is whether or not people will think of somebody more for all the good things they have done, or for one possible bad thing that the person did.

And it involves something that happened regarding a friend a while back. My friend was always supportive, and always there for me, and I was the same for her. And she promised that she would "never disappear without a reason". But about a year and a half into the friendship, she went from being open and friendly to being secretive and standoffish. Eventually, she stopped answering my e-mails and even blocked me from IM (along with many other male friends), and she went back on her promise to never disappear without a reason. I was still the same, supportive, friendly person I had always been the whole time.

Since she wouldn't answer me directly, and because I was becoming very concerned because I know I hadn't done anything to upset or offend her, I tried to see if a friend could talk to her. This involved giving my friend her e-mail address. She answered, but instead of treating me like a concerned friend, she was treating me like she would an crazy psycho stalker. That was never my intention. I apologized to her for giving my friend her e-mail address, and accepted full responsibility, but I am worried that she will only remember me for that, and not the good things I had done.

Tim: Do you generally have trouble with boundaries or anything (or has anyone ever told you that)?

Because I am on the opposite side of a possibly similar situation. The person had told me to warn her if I ever felt like I needed to disappear on her, because so many friends had disappeared on her in the past with no warning.

And in her case... she really lacks boundaries. And she is totally unaware of this, or else unwilling to acknowledge it, I can't tell which. She basically imposes on people to an extreme degree, takes a lot while either not giving much or else giving but in a calculated "I am giving so that I can take later" sort of way, shows up on people's doorsteps unannounced or even after they tell her not to, doesn't listen when told "leave me alone", clings, behaves towards others in ways she would never accept from them, and in general crosses every line she can. And never ever takes "don't contact me" seriously enough.

I know some of the people who have just vanished from her life. And they have done it because they know that if they contact her to tell her they are through with her, she will try to do the social equivalent of jamming her foot in the door and continuing to try to force her way in. I have told her I'm at the point where I'm considering it, and that's basically how she's used that response from me. And I can easily see that if she were a man, shecould have gotten the cops called on her for some of the stuff she pulls.

And I could see people considering her behavior stalkerish. Although it's not the malicious kind of stalkerish. It's the kind where someone genuinely believes that the other person is more of a friend than they are, or believes the person is a friend when they aren't or are no longer. And seems oblivious to the degree to which they are not wanted right then. And has poor boundaries in general.

So that's why I'm asking if you've ever been told you had boundary problems. Because people who have trouble with boundaries, can actually fairly legitimately be considered by others to be showing stalkerish behavior, while remaining totally unaware of it. And since men have a lot of power over women in this society, women have to be on the alert for such behavior from men to avoid getting seriously hurt. So it's possible that she saw some boundaries being crossed and decided to vanish for her own safety. Not because you would necessarily hurt her, but because she couldn't take the chance of being wrong.

If that's not it, then who knows. But I thought I'd toss the idea out there in case it was helpful.

She never gave any indication that she didn't want to be friends anymore. She just disappeared without warning. I figured that if she wanted to end the friendship, she would have told me.

I think that due to our tendencies to get fixated on details we can be more judgemental, or at least seem that way to other people. I would probably remember the person for the one bad thing that they did, however a social faux pas isn't a bad thing. I would think of a bad thing as something that was meant to be intentionally insulting and cruel.

Good question. I wouldn't think it was as simple as mainly remembering the bad about a person. I'm rather prone to focussing mostly on the bad that I've witnessed, but I see that as a by-product of my "repair man" mentality........I'm normally aware that what I've seen of a person is not likely to be the whole person, it's only the interaction between them and me that I can see. However bad a person looks, I usually remain aware that there's probably a lot more to them than I've been able to see. Therefore I can't play God.

I'd say a person was being judgemental when they think or say that somebody is good or bad as a person - that kind of idea isn't objective. I'm OK about the idea of a person having done something harmful to another person or to a particular process, and I can cope with ideas such as "he often seems to do things that damage the group, and we may need to challenge his behaviour in that respect." Also I reserve the right to judge a person's suitability for close association with me.......there's always an element of doubt of course, but there isn't always time or scope to weigh him up more carefully, so sometimes I have to take a decision based on incomplete information.

There's one ex-wife of mine who hurt me so much that I just can't speak to her normally, and whenever I'm unfortunate enough to bump into her, she always tries to be all sweet and cordial, and I just get embarrassed and give her the briefest of replies. People have said that I should let bygones be bygones but I can't, and I feel I'd be letting myself down if I did. I don't want to hurt her, I just want her out of my life. She hasn't really helped her own case - after we split and I had a new girlfriend, she'd keep inviting me to go to the pictures with her and to "play happy families" with her (as my girlfriend put it), and frankly if I've got a serious partner, then I doubt the safety of entertaining anybody who's been so disrespectful of what I see as the normal boundaries. I'm sure there's a lot of good in her, but that's for others to play with. Some people are just better off apart.

But I envy the "efficiency" of those who can be judgemental without any qualms, even though I think it's a recipe for disaster. I was once describing somebody I had problems with, carefully avoiding bad-mouthing them or whipping up any hatred, and they said "in other words he's a tosser."
I found myself nodding vigorously. I remember when life was that simple for me too.

Judging someone is hurting them, in my books, so I don't do it.

Humans judge other liveing things. Why else is life hell?

In my experience, if a woman does that then it could mean anything. It could have been that she was so scared/disgusted by something you did or said that she was completely put off and therefore axed all communication with you, or she might have found somebody else that she greatly preferred (and callously cut you loose), or she might have been doing the "hard to get" game in which you are tested - to see if you're interested and brave enough to go to her to find out what's up.

Going by what you've said, it looks as if it's the first explanation. It's a shame that she doesn't seem to have had the guts to send word to you about what the hell it was that upset her.........frankly if I'd done that to anybody who seemed to care about me, I doubt I'd be able to sleep for the guilt I'd be feeling. I think it's really horrible to just leave somebody with the notion that there must be something wrong with them - something big enough to cause them to suddenly shun you, but they'll give you no clue about exactly what it was. If I'm right, I hope it happens to her one day.

Having said that, there are men who just can't take no for an answer, and they'll pretend they only want to know why, just to get a foot back in the door - then they'll turn on the pressure in the hope that the girl's too soft to beat them off with a stick. I'm not saying you're like that at all - just that if she's had experiences like that before with guys, then she might just be trying to protect herself from more of the same......once bitten, twice shy. It's not fair but I can see how it can happen.

It's only the most logical thing to do.
If they're of no use to me, they're wastes of my time and energy.

Besides my situation with my (former?) friend, another purpose of this thread is whether we are more likely to expect perfection from others than NTs.

I'm going to make a guess and say that her behavior has to do with the situation, and not you specifically or anything you did because she blocked other guys, too. You, and all these other male "friends" most likely were at one point candidates for a sexual/marriage relationship with this woman. She picked someone, and then she blocked the rest. If you had never been a candidate for anything beyond platonic friendship, then she may not have had a reason to block you.

I like to remember the good things and try to ignore the bad. People are human and need to be forgiven if possible. Not for them, but for my own peace of mind. I think focusing on negative things only brings more of the same. I would rather save my defensive energies for things that are truly evil., and try to surround myself with happiness as much as I can.

I'm very judgmental of things, and pretty much the bad stuff sticks in my head like glue, until enough years pass and I've completely forgotten what any of the good stuff was.

Reason being as people are so awful, I keep my eye out for the bad stuff they do, often bypassing the good. Protects ones self from hurt.