Do you want to have a deep connection with other people?
I feel extremely fortunate--I've made just a few close friends, but they're the best kind. We can talk about anything and everything, even the deepest, darkest, ugliest stuff; nothing is sacred or taboo. Obviously, I'm not going to post any of that, but just to give you an idea--one friend and I discussed how nice it was to go a long time without showering because the dirtier we get the better it feels coming out of the shower. The conversation was continued while both of us were in her bathroom and one of us was on the toilet. It's an entirely different set of societal norms, or maybe more of a lack of societal norms--when I leave my friends and have to talk to other people, it feels like putting on a powdered wig and corset getup like a Victorian lady. Uncomfortable, unnatural, restrictive, tedious. Who needs it?
Except for one, they all have or have had some psychiatric diagnosis or another, or would if they bothered to see a shrink. Only one of them is living a life that even resembles normal, and they're all enjoying it thoroughly and passionately doing their own things, in their own ways. I rarely see any of them in person since most live in different states now, but we've remained close via the internet. To be honest, even when we were living in the same city, we only got together a couple of times a month because everyone was so busy. When we get together it's like we never parted--same deep conversations, nobody gets offended no matter how bizarre or morbid the topics get.
I wish I could give instructions for meeting cool weirdos like these people, but to be honest it was just dumb luck, as one person introduced me to all but one of them (including my husband). What brought us all together beyond time and space is similar taste in music, books, art, film, etc. If you go to big cities, you can find subcultures of artists and writers and circus performers, that sort of thing. People who are more interested in ideas than in being one of the herd. Of course, there are the same drama queens and predators among them like any other group of people, but at least there isn't the oppressive compulsion for conformity.
There's a bumper sticker that says, "Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies." While I hope the latter becomes necessary, I'd probably be there with a carpet and cinder blocks if they needed me.
Not that having friends helps me with small talk and day-to-day social interactions. In fact, it probably hurts because it makes me more likely to slip up and say something inappropriate. But it keeps me sane, and my friends all have such fascinating interests of their own that it's like getting the Cliff's Notes for special interests I'll never have time to pursue.
Except for one, they all have or have had some psychiatric diagnosis or another, or would if they bothered to see a shrink. Only one of them is living a life that even resembles normal, and they're all enjoying it thoroughly and passionately doing their own things, in their own ways. I rarely see any of them in person since most live in different states now, but we've remained close via the internet. To be honest, even when we were living in the same city, we only got together a couple of times a month because everyone was so busy. When we get together it's like we never parted--same deep conversations, nobody gets offended no matter how bizarre or morbid the topics get.
I wish I could give instructions for meeting cool weirdos like these people, but to be honest it was just dumb luck, as one person introduced me to all but one of them (including my husband). What brought us all together beyond time and space is similar taste in music, books, art, film, etc. If you go to big cities, you can find subcultures of artists and writers and circus performers, that sort of thing. People who are more interested in ideas than in being one of the herd. Of course, there are the same drama queens and predators among them like any other group of people, but at least there isn't the oppressive compulsion for conformity.
Like you I have been lucky to meet friends like these. Very lucky indeed. And mine also have mental issues of some kind. These vary from depression to paranoia to bipolar. I really am unsure why these kinds of people gravitate towards me or vice versa.
Like you I have been lucky to meet friends like these. Very lucky indeed. And mine also have mental issues of some kind. These vary from depression to paranoia to bipolar. I really am unsure why these kinds of people gravitate towards me or vice versa.
Mostly schizoaffective or bipolar, though my husband suffered from severe depression long before I met him.
My friend who is likely undiagnosed schizoaffective and I had a discussion about nonverbal communication after my diagnosis--she said she had always wondered why I seemed immune to certain threatening body language from other people on certain occasions when we had been out together, but never guessed that I was simply oblivious to it. She says that she gets too much of that from people and it overwhelms her, which is why she's almost as much of a hermit as I am. If I'm understanding her correctly, the nonverbal communication people give off can be so loud that it's hard to figure what they're actually saying, if that makes any sense--like she has to work harder to translate, too, but for a different reason. I hypothesized that maybe part of the reason we get along so well is that I don't really give anything off that she has to read. She agreed, and added that I say verbally what I mean and so there's nothing to translate. What's especially fascinating is that her mother was also likely schizoaffective and we suspect her father is probably an Aspie (we get along famously). It was music that brought her parents together, and that is how my friend and I met as well. Weird, right? I trusted her because certain pieces of music moved her in the same ways they moved me.
I've read a couple of journal articles about the similarities and differences between schizoaffective disorder and AS--they have a lot in common, oddly enough.
That's the issue: I make deep connections when other people are expecting shallow talk.
It's all or nothing: I either care far too much or I don't "click"'with the other person at all. There is no middle ground.
People have commented on this.
People have said that I'm a brilliant friend or an annoyingly distant person that they have trouble reading.
I long for depth and meaning.
Other people just seem to want to chat about nothing.
I can feel a very deep emotional connection to a group of people, but when I want to join in, I'm often ignored or rejected.
This is because I think deeply about why people do the things they do. Other people don't think at all, they just copy or do. They just seem to chat away. They don't often take the time to think why. They don't step back from the situation and try to analyse it. I'm constantly analysing everything in depth and detail all the time. I analyse emotions, actions and physical objects. I try to think about social situations on a global systems level. I wonder about culture.
The problems come because they are usually thinking shallowly and locally, whereas I'm thinking in depth and globally. We seem to be on different levels of understanding. Their level is more generalised, mine is more detailed.
I can absolutely identify with this. Almost all of my friends I've ever had were only people who shared my curiosity and interest in things such that we could at any time have very interesting (in our view) conversations about pretty much anything. However, I can usually switch between in depth mode and big picture mode, or in other words I usually think about things by putting together an "image" detail by detail and then "zooming out" and observing the completed "picture" as a whole. Usually in a typical conversation I'm paying attention to absolutely everything, and I can usually emulate to some degree of accuracy the perspective of the person I'm talking to, and if we're talking about something say, philosophical, I try to make up perspectives of theoretical persons and can imagine fairly vividly what they're thinking or feeling. I weigh in the factor of each detail to each perspective I consider (sometimes erroneously) to be relevant and then begin to make sense of it all.
It's hard to talk like this to people I don't know well, as I have high anxiety about meeting new people and there's some kind of communication barrier that needs to be melted away first before I can feel comfortable and act like myself. Even posting to forums such as this feels at times alien to me; I probably edit each post I make about 3 or 4 times before I'm somewhat satisfied. However I'm much more comfortable with throwing out ideas on forums that I normally wouldn't share in real life, even ones that I don't necessarily agree with, just for the sake of understanding what others think when given a different opinion than the norm, even if the standard opinion is of my own.
Years of dealing with people who simply didn't share my interest in things or even welcome my interest in their interests made me develop a kind of wall where I could kind of seep out a fake communication style for the sake of dealing with people who just wanted to talk about "nothing", but I don't get any enjoyment out of it and try to avoid it if I can.
_________________
If all mankind were to disappear, the world would regenerate back to the rich state of equilibrium that existed ten thousand years ago. If insects were to vanish, the environment would collapse into chaos.
-E.O. Wilson
This is because I think deeply about why people do the things they do. Other people don't think at all, they just copy or do. They just seem to chat away. They don't often take the time to think why. They don't step back from the situation and try to analyse it. I'm constantly analysing everything in depth and detail all the time. I analyse emotions, actions and physical objects. I try to think about social situations on a global systems level. I wonder about culture.
The problems come because they are usually thinking shallowly and locally, whereas I'm thinking in depth and globally. We seem to be on different levels of understanding. Their level is more generalised, mine is more detailed.
Wow. You are amazing. SO.TRU.
Good God... I think I've found my tribe.
_________________
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 159 of 200
Your NT score: 57 of 200
The only person I've ever deeply connected with is my mother, we are soul mates in a way. I feel so blessed to have a mother who understands and supports me no matter what. I don't know what I'll do when the inevitable happens.
I've never experienced that sort of bond with a friend (not that I've had many) but I'd like to, nor have I with a partner because I've never been in a relationship ![]()
auntblabby
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Location: the island of defective toy santas
auntblabby
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Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 115,263
Location: the island of defective toy santas
I need a deep connection so badly.
I had one once but that is gone. Sometimes I feel like that was my one opportunity, and I lost it; certainly it's unlikely I'd get another.
It's definitely a source of depression for me.
I connect with a few here on WP, though it's hard to know to what extent the connection's reciprocated sometimes.
auntblabby
Veteran
Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 115,263
Location: the island of defective toy santas
This is because I think deeply about why people do the things they do. Other people don't think at all, they just copy or do. They just seem to chat away. They don't often take the time to think why. They don't step back from the situation and try to analyse it. I'm constantly analysing everything in depth and detail all the time. I analyse emotions, actions and physical objects. I try to think about social situations on a global systems level. I wonder about culture.
The problems come because they are usually thinking shallowly and locally, whereas I'm thinking in depth and globally. We seem to be on different levels of understanding. Their level is more generalised, mine is more detailed.
I can relate to this, the difference between the levels where around 15 to 19. The problem I had, I found was I found they obsession with the group socially really boring. So to keep me entertained I use to pull on the strings as a group to see how I can manipulate them without them realising it. I became very good at it.
As for me needing a deep connection with someone, I dont know how that would work, ad be a hermit if it was not for one or two friends I have.
_________________
Dyslexia
Bipolar
Most likely Aspie.
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 144 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 66 of 200
MamaFrankie5259
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Joined: 19 May 2016
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,100
Location: The High Coast, via Mullingar, Westmeath
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