How Do I Know My Husband Has Asperger's?

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Only way to tell is if he gets tested for it. Also look in the DSM criteria and see if he meets it or not.

Lene, I respectfully disagree with you.

You admit to not being a parent, but then tear her apart for her parenting style. That is not logical. I am a parent (two 9 year old boys, one 7 year old girl), and I can say strongly, with experience to back it up, that when one becomes a parent, your world really does become at least 80-90% about your kids, especially when they're young. That's not Aspie -- that's normal! Young children require an enormous amount of energy and attention *normally*. When they're babies, they need almost constant attention: if they're not hungry or pooping in their diapers, they have entertainment needs that they cannot yet provide for themselves. When they're toddlers, you have to be sure *constantly* that they're not sticking knives in the electrical outlets or playing in traffic or writing on the walls with sharpie.

The OP sounds like a normal mom to me. It's her job to focus on the kids, and her husband's job to do the same, and to also grow up and realize that it isn't all about him anymore.

edited to add: I also don't agree with the assertion that the OP has "pushed" her husband out of the marriage. Sounds like to me that he's voluntarily left; after all, he is responsible for his actions. If he's anything like my kids' father, he was raised with the idea that it is his "job" to be the provider, and the mother's "job" to be the homemaker. However, roles in Western society have changed since 1955, women are very often working outside of the home as well as running it, and fathers need to man up and help with the dishes, laundry, and child care. It's very frustrating to be working from the moment you wake up taking care of the kids, go to a paid job, then come home and keep working almost nonstop to take care of the kids and the house while the father simply gets up in the morning, ignores you and the kids, goes to work, comes home and expects to be waited upon hand and foot.

(ok, I need to stop yapping here and clean the house and get the kids off the 'puter....)

Mollisol, that's ok. I was only giving my view on the situation and I understand that things may look completely different if you've been in the situation yourself. I wasn't attempting to tear apart the OP's parenting style, just trying to show that her husband probably doesn't have Aspergers and doesn't seem the out and out a**hole that she's trying to paint him as; he just sounds left out.

One thing I would argue is that the OP works only part time, whereas her husband works full time. In that respect, the traditional 1955 'father works, mother raises the kids' roles have been preserved to a large extent, so it seems unfair of the OP to expect the husband to both pay the lion's share financially and then also have equal input into raising the kids as well. The OP made no mention of having to wait 'hand and foot' on her husband, just that he's a bad hugger and that he doesn't really connect with the kids. She dismisses his contribution to the household and well, I don't see how that's not pushing him away to be honest.

I'm sure in a perfect world, both parents become natural super-moms and super-dads overnight once they have kids, but in reality is that really the case? Rather than deal with what her husband should be like and criticise him for not being that perfect 21st century man, maybe she should deal with what he is (especially if there are no plans to divorce) and try to make him feel a little less superfluous/second class to the rest of the family, which seems to be what the problem is (and yes, you're right, he should also make an effort to be an involved parent too, but it does sound as if it's not something that comes completely naturally to him). Since sticking it out for the duration of the kids' childhoods sounds a bit grim for all parties concerned, I would still suggest marriage counselling.

I think the poster who suggested that the dad take the kids to things like scouts etc had a good idea.

edit: 80-90%?? seriously, even past the toddler age? I'm not scoffing at the statistic; I'm genuinely horrified. They should advertise that more in high schools; it'd be the best form of contraception ever.

Last edited by Lene on 11 Sep 2010, 11:15 am, edited 2 times in total.

I wonder how you would feel if the woman who eventually marries your son makes it clear she only values him for his paycheck as she enjoys being a stay at home mother.

If you are that unhappy, you should seek full time employment and stand on your own two feet.

Now that my kids are a bit older (7 and 9), it's really much closer to 80%. Maybe 75% (when they're young, it's closer to 95%). I'm starting to get to have a bit of my own life, and interests, again. But Mother Nature is a sneaky and clever lady; once you have kids, you fall completely in love with them and don't really mind those percentages (for the most part).

And I don't really think that it's a Superman thing to expect Dad to help with dishes and laundry, and maybe even cook once a week. It's an adjustment of expectations, and change is always hard. But it can be done; once a person gets used to it, and integrates it into their routine, it gets a lot easier. After all, Dads get to sit on their rears when they get home from work; if they could just adjust their time a bit, work a bit more and sit a bit less (after all, that's totally what's expected of Moms), it would help.

[edited to add: Lene, I'm sorry if I overstated what you said. There's always many ways of looking at a situation, and I'm coming from a somewhat emotional & frustrated perspective.]

But I'm wandering a bit off topic here. Back to your regularly scheduled programming...

Last edited by mollisol on 11 Sep 2010, 12:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Hi Oren! She's not a stay-at-home mom; she works outside the home too.

Honest question here: do you know how much work it is to be a full-time mom? She also has a kid with Asperger's, iirc. She's not sitting on her rear. If you read her follow-up post, her husband has deliberately backed out of his involvement, despite her best efforts to keep him in the loop.

Why are you blaming her for the situation? Is he not responsible for what he has chosen to do?

I can appreciate that divorce is traumatic and disruptive, but the current situation is also traumatic. If a marriage has become intolerable, then a separation or divorce would be an opportunity for growth and healing, for all of you.

I think this part says it all. There is obviously a big problem here.

There was nothing in your Post, anyway, that would indicate that your husband has AS- (these complaints are not part of the criteria)- except for possibly the fact that he himself claims that he feels this way inside. Have you talked with him about it? Is he interested in seeking a diagnosis? If he were diagnosed, would you want to try marital counseling that is designed for a partner with Asperger´s Syndrome? I am kind of "out of my element" here, as I have never been married myself, but I think you do have options.