Closure letter.

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28 Jun 2011, 8:10 am

I know this...and she's well above average looking (think Julianne Moore meets Renee from 24 only with a bigger chest.)

i'm over her as far as trying to get her...i just think about her a lot still since she was my first love (by first love i mean first girl i liked that i dated and liked me back.)

wasn't trying to get her back with that message. i don't know why i sent it to be honest. closure i guess.

i approach women in real life and on dating sites. i just happen to think about her now and again, but no notion of trying to get her back...we weren't a match anyway.

ToughDiamond
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28 Jun 2011, 8:14 am

Aldran wrote:

Writing letters is a good exercise regardless. But as many have said here, don't send them. usually the person you're writing to moved on a long time ago, and you're doing neither of you any favors by sending it. Write it, and then you have a choice. You can destroy the letter as an act of letting go, or if you're not ready to do that yet, keep it and read it every time you think about that person as a way of trying to figure out why you're still stuck on that person and if its really doing you any good or not.

Somebody recently suggested I wrote a letter like that.....though it was rather a different situation as I was the one who had left. How is the act of writing a letter and then destroying it supposed to bring about closure? I have a closure problem with my dead relationship too, though it's probably more to do with my not being quite able to comprehend the trauma I experienced back then, or to believe it happened somehow. I was thinking of just writing out the story reasonably briefly, and trying to leave it there.

So what is the purpose of this "letter closure" ? Is it something to do with the desire to talk to somebody who has gone?

nemorosa
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28 Jun 2011, 8:27 am

cyberdad wrote:

Just putting things in perspective, even a moderately attractive outgoing NT girl will probably get hundreds of NT males hitting on her in any given year. I'm estimating on an average day 2-3 NT males will casually chat with her and suggest keeping in touch by either offering a phone number or email address, or catch up later.

2-3 a day? Just how do you estimate something like that? :scratch:

I think you are way, way, way, waaaaaaayyyy out with that estimate.

The_Walrus
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28 Jun 2011, 9:13 am

Yeah, I doubt most people meet 2-3 strangers of the opposite sex their age every day. Maybe on a night out...

ToughDiamond
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28 Jun 2011, 9:55 am

I agree. The other man's grass always looks greener, though of course it's a woman in this case, but that doesn't make any difference. If they got offers coming in at that rate, they'd be practically omnipotent. And they're not.

nilescrane
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28 Jun 2011, 9:57 am

It all depends on the woman at hand...what she wears, where she hangs out or where she is on a daily basis, and what kind of attention she welcomes on her own.

Guys checked out my ex all the time when we were in public together, but she said never, at any point in her life, even when she's alone, has a guy come up to her and introduced himself. She says they gawk, but don't talk. Now, in a bar setting where there's liquid courage, that's a different story.

She had no problem getting a date, but she met men in her everyday social circle, not random men.

Compare that, ironically, to this girl I know who's quite average looking...not ugly, but nothing outstanding about her to most men...and she has a ton of male admirers...from work, on okcupid and pof, through friends...I hesitate to use the word attention wh0re, but it's like she has all these guys in her life that serve different purposes...some for conversation to complain about the guys she dates, some she dates, some she just has sex with, and so on.

I guess the point I'm making is that physical attractiveness does not necessarily equal "men flock to her left and right." Sure, if a physically attractive woman has a social life, she's going to meet guys she likes and that have balls...but the average man on the street is afraid of beautiful women, and even the ones that aren't don't have the balls to approach...then you have the Sodini guys that do approach but creep the woman out.

cyberdad
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28 Jun 2011, 8:35 pm

nemorosa wrote:

2-3 a day? Just how do you estimate something like that? :scratch:

I think you are way, way, way, waaaaaaayyyy out with that estimate.

Well I did put three conditions that relate to Nilescrane's ex G/F

- physically attractive
- outgoing/extroverted
- NT

An NT person with the above profile would be in the public eye because she will enjoy the attention (because she is attractive and outgoing). If she stops at a petrol station a male is likely to chat to her, if she is reading the library a male will talk to her, when she is in a shopping mall a male will talk to her, she probably plays sport and males will talk to her and finally coffee shops, bars, night clubs plenty of males will talk to her.

I'm not suggesting that every new male person she meets she will respond to, I suspect most she will politely ignore. I am suggesting that a girl with this profile will have so many options for possible male friends that if Niles Crane hasn't heard anything then he should move on.

nilescrane
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29 Jun 2011, 1:05 am

I think you guys are misunderstanding. I don't know why I sent the letter. I hadn't contacted her since April of 2010 and was perfectly fine with that. Then all of a sudden I watch that 90210 episode and I feel guilty, like I had been a burden on her, and I felt like I should apologize.

Now I regret sending it (even though nothing bad came out of it) because attention is attention, and I gave her attention by sending her any letter, even a closure letter.

ToughDiamond
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29 Jun 2011, 4:33 am

nilescrane wrote:

I suspect that you did it because you're not quite over her yet. It's normal to feel that way if they left you when you wanted to keep the relationship going, especially if there's been nobody significant in your life since the split. Basically (I think) you just don't want to be lonely. So the last person who really alleviated your loneliness is the one you still instinctively look to as your way out. Not that you did any harm. And maybe you moved another step towards closure.

At least, if it were me writing a letter like that, then that's what it would mean.

nemorosa
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29 Jun 2011, 4:55 am

cyberdad wrote:

nemorosa wrote:

2-3 a day? Just how do you estimate something like that? :scratch:

I think you are way, way, way, waaaaaaayyyy out with that estimate.

I've known plenty of attractive outgoing women in my life and none of them have ever given any indication that they have 2-3 men a day suggesting that they keep in touch by phone or email. That may happen in a bar or club, but not during the course of an average day. Most men don't go further than eyeing-up women that take their fancy, and your "estimate" would suggest vast numbers of single and available men to engage with these attractive women.

cyberdad
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29 Jun 2011, 5:02 am

nemorosa wrote:

cyberdad wrote:

nemorosa wrote:

2-3 a day? Just how do you estimate something like that? :scratch:

I think you are way, way, way, waaaaaaayyyy out with that estimate.

Not all of the men who hit on girls are single and available and have you followed a an attractive single woman around 24-7?
Remember we are talking a girl without an engagement ring and single. Married or girls in a relationship give of a different vibe. Single NT girls who are attractive and outgoing give specific signals induced by hormones such as the size of their pupils, facial expression which act as an attractant to men. In addition single girls are always on the watch for men and remember they only need to look for a split second of eye contact to register interest in the male.

nemorosa
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29 Jun 2011, 5:30 am

cyberdad wrote:

You have absolutely no evidence whatsoever to back any of this up; only a figure you have plucked out of the air. Everyday experience does not confirm what you say and other posters here seem in agreement. I just checked with my partner and she thinks what you are suggesting is pretty absurd too (and if my eyes aren't too blinded by love I think she can be regarded as attractive).

Anyway, I've stated my opinion on the matter and shan't argue it any more.

cyberdad
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29 Jun 2011, 6:51 am

nemorosa wrote:

Sorry should say I've based this on my experience in the Australian socio-cultural context. I'm maybe a bad example but the average Aussie college aged male is like Paul Hogan on steroids.

nilescrane
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29 Jun 2011, 8:56 am

ToughDiamond...it's not necessarily that I'm not over her...but not settled in my mind with the situation. I don't think about her in a romantic (or sexual) context at all...have no desire to "get her back"...but something is unsettled in my mind. I also agree that perhaps I'm lonely, and she's the last person I felt I connected with. (I dated a girl in December/January that I really got along with, but we weren't at all physically intimate other than making out on our third and final date and didn't know her for as long as I knew the first girl.)

One thing's for sure...this makes me happy that I'm not in the dating scene...the fact that all it took for me to get obsessed was a pretty face giving me positive attention for a brief period of time, and will never see her again (or even want to) yet still on my mind 2 years later.

I know it isn't just an Aspie thing...people can get attached...but for Aspies it seems to be even worse. Not necessarily obsessed with her, but the situation and trying to make logic out of something that is anything but logical...an emotional relationship with the opposite sex.

ToughDiamond
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29 Jun 2011, 9:24 am

nilescrane wrote:

Sure, I could be wrong. Just that the need to specifically contact her as a way of settling it, seems to point that way. But not necessarily. I have strange "still-not-quite-closed" feelings about one ex partner and about one close female friend. There would be a lot that could probably be put right if I were to meet them again, but only if we could have a completely open and frank conversation, and I just don't believe that would happen with either of them. It's just not in their personalities to do that, I'm sure. The ex still troubles me because I can't quite accept that I was a victim of some kind of emotional abuse back then. The close friend, who is a lot more recent, I just miss...in a way I'd love to talk with her again, but I feel that we need to keep away from each other because I feel out of my depth.

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