I have high functioning autism and am not independent at all. I have never had a job or lived on my own. I am 28 and hate being old. There is so much expected at this age. When you are young, no worries about the future just happy happy joy joy. I have other disabilities besides my high functioning autism including schizoaffective disorder and severe generalized anxiety disorder. So all of this combined makes me unable to work or do much of anything. I don't drive for many reasons including hallucinations (mainly seeing people running across the road all the time in the middle of nowhere my hallucinations are mild compared to others with schizophrenia), people talking to me (the government sometimes say they are following me and if I drove I would do all in my power to avoid them), sometimes catatonia that is sudden, bad coordination skills (I wouldn't be able to drive accurately on the road and into spots and whatever) and too much activity going on at once would overwhelm me. I wouldn't make a good driver. Flying is so much easier (except landing then it gets too overwhelming that is why I didn't solo once it got harder and all the landing it was impossible to solo and was scared to death) and I want to fly again but it costs too much. Back then there was a couple year period that I had no or almost no sign of mental illness (maybe except the GAD) so I was able to go to flight school. They didn't know about the problems when I was younger I just told them I am better. I was the happiest and most stable in my entire life when i went to flight school. That was also before my mom had such serious medical problems and before stock went down so much so our financial situation was much better. So not nearly as much stress back then. Also we just moved so I was out of a stressful situation where I was constantly bullied. When I first moved I didn't get that bullied only in the school bus. I would never last in a job due to all the problems I have each year. I have at least 4 psychotic breaks a year some lasting only a couple of weeks to many months. This doesn't include psychotic micro episodes which last only a few hours to days. With me its getting more chronic each year. Sometimes the longer lasting ones (the longest in recent years lasted over a year long) sometimes was mild and other days was severe. Sometimes the ones that last only a few weeks are actually worse because they are more intense. My memory is also very bad. It is also hard for me to learn new information (such as learning a new job or anything else for that matter) it is a miracle that I did well in school. I don't do activities that require many steps. The only time in my life I might have been able to drive was when I was in flight school but I still had the coordination issues and things overwhelmed me easily. I wouldn't live on my own. Also I would end up on the streets or dirt poor. I live on $675 a month (SSI). That would make me in extreme poverty and I would rather die than be that poor. What's life if there is nothing to look forward to again or if you can't afford to live anyways? My friends are like this. I don't want to end up in a group home either. So, when my parents die I will be lost. My IQ is also below average at 82. Sometimes when people first meet me they think I am highly intelligent but its after people get to know me that they know better. I can't figure out simple things. I don't learn quickly. I always return to very limited thoughts and outside of my special interests, I sound like someone who has no brain.
01 Aug 2011, 6:08 pm
