Do you find it hard to be nice?

Post Reply New Topic

How is the air up there?

But while she smiled at a graciousness so misapplied, she could not reflect on the mean-spirited folly from which it sprung, nor observe the studied attentions with which the Miss Steeles courted its continuance, without thoroughly despising them all four.
Sense and Sensibility by Austen, Jane View in context

It makes him contemptible to be considered fickle, frivolous, effeminate, mean-spirited, irresolute, from all of which a prince should guard himself as from a rock; and he should endeavour to show in his actions greatness, courage, gravity, and fortitude; and in his private dealings with his subjects let him show that his judgments are irrevocable, and maintain himself in such reputation that no one can hope either to deceive him or to get round him.
The Prince by Machiavelli, Nicolo View in context

I HAVE heerd the neighbours make remark as some one as they was acquainted with, was a poor good-natur'd mean-spirited creetur, as went out fishing for a wife one day, and caught a Tartar.
Barnaby Rudge - A Tale Of The Riots Of 'Eighty by Dickens,

They say money is the root of all evil. From my observations, frustration is the root of all assholitity.

I'm not evil, but if someone is bothering me, the urge to tell the person to go take a hike can sometimes be irresistible. I fully understand this internal conflict you have described.

My goal is that I will succeed by ensuring there will be no such people in my life (Those who have the power to hold me back seem to have the tendency to do so.).

I don't know if that's entirely realistic past a certain level of success, but my successes so far suggest I have reason to be optimistic.

Celebrating meaness is the devils work Bluto. Did you not go to church?

Many meanies go thru life with no apparent karma, so good luck to you in your quest.

From my experience though, goodness is its own reward. Very early on in adulthood I had a karmic head wound....much like a punch in the face but far more serious

Hehe, I'm not necessarily celebrating or rejecting meanness. I'm exploring the affects, causes and the positives and negatives of this thing people call "meanness". I'm also fairly nice most of the time in real life, so I don't think I'm entirely "mean", but I've noticed that's my natural inclination at times and I'm wondering why. I don't necessarily think it's a "bad trait", it could possibly just be a trait that tends to make one gravitate to certain people and to have certain kinds of outcomes.

Also, the suggestion you have that "church tells people to be nice" is what I call a possible societal conditioning tool. The church tells people to tithe, too, and who benefits? The church. Who's benefiting from telling the sheeple to be nice? It's possible that it's best for the congregation and that the whole "Give me donations and I give you good, biblical advice" is a fair honest trade, but maybe it's not entirely... Maybe it's a way of conditioning the masses to submit to the 'meanies'(I.e., those who are primarily interested in their own interests) in this world who put up a "nice" facade to manipulate the masses, such as Machiavelli recommends.

You prolly just have ADHD then

Its a successful trait to be mean, for sure. But you are always on the run from your enemies and your marriage wont last

When I was a little kid, I was the nicest person ever. I was a doormat for all the bullies in school, but I didn't mind. I didn't even know what it felt like to be angry until I was around the age of 12. Then I turned into a teenager, and my newfound feelings of anger got a lot worse. The pinnacle of my anger and bitterness occured between the ages of 16 and 19, when my family and I had to share a house with my older sister, her husband and my (then toddler-aged) niece and nephew.

Ever since that time, I have found it gradually getting harder and harder to be nice to people. I often ask my parents or brother if they still think I'm a nice person, because I feel angry a lot and I worry that it comes out in my actions or words. I keep recalling times from my past where I was mean to people who didn't deserve it, and I still feel a lot of guilt over it. I feel like I can't forgive myself for those times because I didn't always apologize to the people who I was mean to. I've even been mean to people here on WP, and though I remember apologizing to a lot of them, I still feel bad inside about the way I acted.

I want to be a nice person because I want people to like me, and I want to have a clear conscience because my conscience is easily guilt-tripped even by things which aren't in any way my fault.

when i was little i was convinced that i was the only thinking being in the universe (which is not meant to be an insult, i simply wasnt aware of the fact that other people have minds) and it was very shocking to find out i was not alone and people were not objects but "me" to themselves. since i realised that (which embarassingly took me a while) and that they have feelings like i do (though i can not feel or see them) i try to be very careful.

i strongly dislike individuals who are mean, rude, cruel, violent or hurtful on purpose and i avoid people showing such behaviour towards others as soon as i witness it. i do not hate anyone because id like to assume they do not know better since cruelty often comes with ignorance and childish stupidity, but i also do not have the slightest respect for people behaving like that.

it is often considered as something "mean" if you do not wish to be friends with someone, if you do not miss anyone, if you "reject" someone who likes you and likes to have some kind of relationship with you, if you are not interested in what someone says or thinks or does or are not personally interested in someone while someone is interested in you, if you are basically too occupied with your own thoughts to pay attention to or even to remember what is going on outside your head all the time or if you did or said something stupid that made someone feel very uncomfortable without noticing it. i was accused to be "cold" and "heartless" and selfish and unable to love and a terrible person in general several times. it is not true that i am "heartless" and i always feel very sad about other people being upset. i never meant to hurt anyone in any way and i used to feel awful and guilty for this because i simply did not get what was wrong and assumed that something had to be severely wrong with me. i gave up feeling guilty about that though because i can not help how i am and im not doing anyone wrong with preferring to be alone. there is nothing mean about it. faking personal interest or the ability to act as a socially normal person will most likely end up being either painful for me or for the other person or both because its very exhausting for me and i usually fail to match their expectations soon and then they will be even more disappointed.

im trying to be as friendly and helpful as possible, im trying to react to everyone talking to me because people can get hurt by being ignored, im trying to figure out what they want from me when they talk to me and i keep asking them questions because i often do not notice when someone is not ok because i can neither guess nor experience other peoples feelings directly. also i tend not to realise things that are important to others when they are not important to me too and i try to think about that regularily so i dont miss things like that.

im usually not polite and i dont like politeness because it is often dishonest and it does not help me. im trying to treat others like id like to be treated (though im aware of the fact that this often is not the best solution since other people and i often prefer to be treated differently) and im glad when someone says something like "im angry" or "your code sucks" because this enables me to ask questions to reevaluate the issue. sometimes i simply disagree because the other persons arguments are nonsense to me, sometimes the information is useful and i realise i overlooked something and (following the above examples) i can apologize or add changes. i cant stand it when people state the opposite of their opinion on something and refusing to do so is not "mean", it actually seems kind to me.

i have simple morals. im trying not to cause (and to prevent) suffering in any being that is capable of suffering including myself as good as i can. that is all. plain and confusing i guess, at least i suspect that it is not widely understood.

im not sure if this is at all related to what you are interested in but the only text on "meanness" worth reading which i can think of right now is "the anatomy of human destructiveness" by erich fromm (1973, isbn 9780805016048 i think). nothing scientific (as i understand the word "scientific"), yet quite a "nice" book.

I find it very easy to be nice, because I like to treat people the way I wish to be treated in return. If you're nice, people will be nice to you in return. You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.

Nope. I never, ever, EVER find it hard to be nice.

What the hell's your problem?

I see you don't find it hard, either way.

Find what hard?

Just a side note, and not trying to correct , but the quote is actually "the love of money is the root of all evil". Quite a difference, really. Just thought you might be interested.

I've always been too nice for my own good.

Yes, that's been my observation. If I'm too "nice"(Which in my mind, might not simply be "nice" but also a mixture of other characteristics such as agreeable and quiet), it seems people too readily walk over me. If I'm not as nice, then at least they don't. Every other outcome remains pretty much the same (We don't chit-chat, we don't ask favors of each other, etc.), so it's an improvement.

But contrast this with other's experiences such as...



And from these different experiences, it almost seems there's more than one concept that's being thought of (Either that or there's more than one interpretation of certain outcomes or possibly there's a significant difference in one or more personal qualities -- maybe she's prettier than me? lol.). I tried mustering my powers of intuition to their greatest extent and got the concepts...

Assertiveness and niceness.

It seems that many so called "nice" guys essentially lack assertiveness, so I think maybe it's a matter of being assertive but "nice". Of course, there could be other factors at play, such as being 'socially weird' or 'communicationally weird'(Not the same as simple weirdness). I get the feeling that 'weirder' people get more easily walked over regardless of other factors such as assertiveness and niceness.

From what I can tell, your success comes down to location and the overall culture prevailing where you are at. Based on what I have seen, some places are nicer than others. If you are someplace where niceness is valued and the standard for interacting with society, your niceness will be accepted and valued by others. It will be reciprocated and the experience will be satisfactory. If you live someplace where people are tough and mean, your nice demeanor will be mistaken for weakness and you might not be respected and may be taken advantage of. You will feel as if being scrappy is the only way to stay afloat. Some places resemble WWF more than others and how can someone be nice in a place like that and survive?