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Do you feel like your autism is holding you back from meeting other people?

If my thread gets any more comments, I plan on replying. It just won't be right away since I'm getting ready for bed now.

@ Tropicalcows My Asperger's is a huge part of it. I'm in school full time and involved in multiple campus organizations, but aside from that, I have no idea how or where to meet people in the first place, much less get a boyfriend or something. Even if I do meet people, it usually doesn't last.

Both of these people clearly were not good for you, but with the second guy it was more obvious I guess. Good for you for getting out of that one fast. It is positive that you are managing to form relationships while also keeping yourself safe.

With person 1 it is less obvious and perhaps you have benefitted from this relationship more than you have suffered from it. Controlling behaviour can be hard to detect, even for NTs, and even harder to get out of.

How did you meet these people, meaning, is there a more promising source of new acquaintances for you? As others have said, the forum can be a good source of advice and support if you're not sure about something.

@ readingbetweenlines I only knew person number one online and on the phone. I knew person number two from school and hanging out with him a lot over the summer.

OK, I see. You're from the U.S., so I never quite know what people mean when they say they are in "school". Is that like college, or uni? Because you say you are involved in a lot of campus organisations. That's great. Sounds to me like there is scope for you to meet people there. I'd leave the whole "boyfriend" thing for the moment and just focus on friends.

You never met guy1 in person (probably a good thing) but do you have a sense of what type of guy he is? What about guy 2? What I'm saying is, is there something the two people have in common (apart from not being very nice, but that was not immediately apparent) which attracted you to them in the first place? So that you can build up a picture of the type of guy you might go for but should really avoid. Are you having any luck with getting acquainted with other female students. Nothing stressy, just going for a coffee or similar?

Here is an idea, join a book club or something else similar with other women who maybe will not reject you out of hand in that situation and then ask them if they know of anyone good to meet. Since they are not in a bar but are actually doing something reasonably intellectual chances are they will not be idiots....(maybe wait a few months first and ask it in a way that doesn't make you just want to use them for finding dates)

@ reading School can be college or uni, I think, but I'm in uni. I talked to number one for about two and a half years, and for hours a day, so I had a pretty good idea of who he was. He was basically using me the ways I was using him. I also knew a whole lot about number two since I knew him in person, and spent all my time with him for two weeks. I don't have much luck meeting people in general, male or female.

@ Sparhawke That's a good idea, I just have to find a book or something I'll actually be willing to read or do.

If he is harmful yet you're still willing to go back, it is only because of a combination of fear and uncertainty about your alternatives. You don't have to be lonely and definitely not by returning to something that will not be good for you. It may be hard to put effort to find new people but you have to weigh that cost against the cost he may inflict.

@ syntaxrandom I think the main reason person number one was bad for me was I was more dependant on him than I should've been. I mean for a while we talked about getting married for God's sake. I think if I only talk to him when I need to, I'll be okay.

That's fair, but I'm not sure about your ability to have this type of friendship. For me, for example, after having such a close relationship to someone, I found it very difficult to continue being friends. If you can do this and it helps you, it would likely be much better than severing contact altogether.

As for dependency, I think it is a natural reaction after things go wrong in a relationship. While it is true that dependency can be too deep - and each person has their own preferences for it - I think it's too easy to look back, see how infatuated we were, and damn ourselves for having taken things so seriously. It likely meant a lot to you and was justified, at that time, for having been so.

You likely already know this but, on the one hand, you want to be independent enough to be, functionally, your own person but not so much that you are unable to form meaningful, close relations with people (unless you're truly of this type of personality).

I'm getting ready to log off, so if you comment tonight, I'm not ignoring you.

@ syntaxrandom I want to be able to form meaningful relationships, just not with person number one. I'm only considering talking to him again because I don't have any other relationships.

A few thoughts on what you have said. You said you and guy1 were discussing marriage, with a person you had never met face to face, did I get that right?

It's your decision if you want to go back to person1 for conversations but I think you have to discuss the controlling behaviour thing with him before you do. I don't know what form this control took and it may be too personal anyway. Make it clear you will not tolerate this in future.

Personally, I would like to encourage you to find at least one new acquaintance first, rather than just going back to that which is familiar and therefore easy.

I understand the dependency part. I have few friends and generally get on well just being on my own (I am married though). But I truly feel without those friends I would be, well, not nothing, that's too extreme, but I wouldn't be who I am today, they've been very good for me. So I completely understand that you want friends, and so you have to find them. Not easy, I know. I like the book club idea which sparhawke suggested. Do you like reading at all?

Also, no one thinks you're ignoring them if you don't reply. It's nice to get replies, just don't put yourself under pressure.

@ readingbetweenlines Yep, you got that right. The whole time I was serious, it turned out he wasn't. Like I said, we were using each other. Granted I used to be more attached to him than he was to me, but he probably did more for me than I did for him. When we were "together" I talked about his controlling behavior a lot. Then he was more mean than controlling. The problem with reading is most books in general aren't worth reading anymore, at least not books by authors from the U.S. The reason I always tell people when I'm going to bed is because, when I first became acquainted with cyberspace, I would've wondered why someone stopped responding. I did not become acquainted with cyberspace (aside from Yahoo music and search engine) until fifteen, and before that had not had a lot of interaction with people for several years.

Blue and Orange, it's great you're putting yourself out there at least to some extent.

WP is a Really good place. People here are much nicer and far more considerate than elsewhere on the Internet. Other forums are full of extremely aggressive posts but not here. So perhaps you can get a bit of contact here which may reduce your loneliness, until you feel strong enough to find new & better friends. I'm NT, btw.

(prob a bit off topic, but I can't even begin to work out the time difference between where you are and where I am, so posting times will look a bit random anyway. My first degree was n American Lit among other things, so it's hilarious you think U.S. authors are no good!!)