Constant fear of having offended people

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I do the exact same thing as your new friend, and I've found I'm only right about 1/100 times :p But I offend people unintentionally *all the time* so I've learned to expect them to be offended, and counteract it ASAP with an explanation of some sort. Often I'm told "I'll tell you if you do anything" but nobody ever follows through on that -ever- and they hold it against me, rather then trying to understand that I didn't mean it, and have already told them as much It's really hard to deal with sometimes, especially now that I'm trying to come out of my shell (and make a good impression on the BF's family.. that's not fun *at all*, and even the BF needs to be asked before he'll tell me..)

I made a couple new friends last year and explained to them before that I don't get non-verbal messages, but they overwhelmed me with non-verbal messages and left all offended within a few months. I could tell they were talking to me non-verbally all along but couldn't hear a thing. I can only guess that at some point they decide I'm normal, not autistic, and just inconsiderate or something...

I think it's more they're completely unaware of what & how much is non-verbal, completely unintentional. In those situations, we have to be more pro-active in noting/identifying & asking for help... not easy & it can alienate people, too. But I have found some are very supportive & interested in establishing clear communication... those are the folks I want to know in any case.

You're right, DB. The big difficulty with NTs is that what they have that we don't is totally unconscious and unknown in them, so when I say non-verbal, even if I give them examples, they don't have a clue what I'm talking about. They don't even know that they communicate with each other non-verbally. They're so unaware of it all that they conclude I'm normal, just oblivious to others' messages.

I never met anyone who was able to be my friend past the above, though. Maybe it depends on degrees and you are less affected than me in this area of AS, so you offend people less...

To me, you're normal & we're both oblivious to other's non-verbal messages.



It could be degrees of affected-ness. For an Aspie, I'm pretty outgoing.

I'm also working w/in a particular group. I'm a practicing Buddhist, & my sangha has a deep commitment to practicing compassion. So they try very hard, & I try very hard, to bridge the 'language' gap & the misunderstandings that come from it. I only found out a couple of years ago about the AS, & I'm finding that the more I learn about the particular way it plays out w/me & the more I am able to convey that information to them, the better it gets.

Which is not to say that there is no one that I don't get along with... there are some folks who can't stand me & some I can't stand. But the ones who are favorably inclined towards me have a better understanding of my quirky ways. My particular gifts. And I am better able to understand theirs. And a couple of other people in the sangha have realized, through my 'witnessing', that they are AS/auties. So we have a tiny little special interest club.

Wow, no wonder the same therapist insisted I should go to the Buddhist meetings...

Buddhism has a very strong logical side that appeals to me. The magical, heavily devotional side not so much, tho' I do appreciate its effectiveness for certain kinds of minds. I do appreciate the emphasis on practical compassion.

I have found zazen very helpful in coming to understand how my particular mind works, its habits, patterns & unhelpful ways. It has helped me to develop greater restraint & understanding of my emotions.

I study w/a Tibetan sangha (FPMT) because of their deep appreciation of logical thinking. All the poetry & analogies in Zen were leaving me baffled. But I can't do the visualizations of the Tibetan practice. Pema Chodron is a popular author.

I have no personal experience of the Insight Meditation/Theravadan tradition, but I've gotten a lot out of what I've read. Sharon Salzberg & Jack Kornfield are the authors I know.

Always happy to talk about Buddhism.

I love you people... every single one of you... you give me hope...

I don't think we are doing anything wrong...

Information is true or false, not good or evil...
Some people want to be in a pink bubble, in denial, with all s**t sugar coated until it feels like candy...
But to me it sounds like eating s**t all day with a smile not knowing it's poisoning you is more dangerous than hearing the cold hard facts...

I need people who can be brutally honest...

I just don't understand...

If someone hate me I don't want hem to pretend they are my friend and back stab me while I make efforts to build something beautiful, something they don't want...

People end up married while being completely incompatible because they didn't dare to voice their true selves and desires... going to cheat in the fear to be rejected by their most important person...

I value honesty, I value the truth....

I think so much pain would go away if we just accepted that there is a negative side to everything, that it's okay, and that the rain is beautiful.

people think that happiness is the total absence of negativity, so they go for dangerous things to fee bliss...
I think true bliss is to appreciate what we do have the best we can...

I am too sick physically to be able to handle the stress of being online... I have social phobia this severe...

But I wanted to let you know, regardless of what you'll think of me... that you are wonderful people... and hat it sadden me to no end to see society think we're sick just because we have something else to offer, something beautiful, but that they can't appreciate or even tolerate... Just for being unusual...

I love unusual, I love weird, I even love creepy!

I makes me happy, it feels real, it makes me feel alive.

Yes, but I also have co-morbid generalized anxiety disorder. In my youth (lol) I was very confident about my intelligence so that probably buffered me from worrying too much about others reactions.

Wow, I really relate to this. I can never tell when I've said something offensive unless the other person directly tells me. I usually keep to myself, though and only make friends with people who are just as blunt as me and/or understand me well. I definitely worry about it a lot, though, and as someone mentioned, worry about alienating myself further from the world.

G.

OMG yes. If I email someone and I don't get a reply pretty quick, I automatically wonder if I've said something the wrong way, or made them think I'm weird or not a nice person etc. I think it's partly due to having put my foot in it in the past, but I think I'd have this fear anyway.

And I also get offended by people too.

This is one reason why I dont talk much. It seems a significant chunk of the population seems to think I'm out to get them and I still cannot figure out why. No matter how gentle, soft or subtle I speak some seem to take great offense to what I say. It's not like I think the world is out to get me but it seems some people have made up their minds that I'm no good and interpret everything I say or do accordingly.

It's better just to say nothing than to be seen unfairly as a jerk. Kinda ironic how nobody seems to be bothered when I do mean to be a little offensive although that's very rare for me.

For LisaOfShades



_
Do I have a constant fear of offending people?
Most definitelly.

I also know many people can read your thoughts and so I am worried of offending people for having bad thoughts too.




It is hellish and exhausting

Yes, and rightfully so. I often offend people even when I don't want to.

Yes, and rightfully so. I often offend people even when I don't want to.