Developmental path

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The worst thing about my sudden self-awareness wasn't realizing that the world could be bad and dangerous it was that I could still remember everything I had done prior to the epiphany. I didn't feel any embarrassment when I had no self-awareness but once I had that moment of clarity I felt it all at once. Eight years of inappropriate behaviour and acting like a freak since pre-school all hit me like a ton of bricks.

As for the world being dangerous, that's how I thought when I was stuck in my cut-off fantasies prior to my epiphany but it wasn't a realistic sense of danger it was an exaggerated sense of danger.

I spent so much time lost in survival fantasies and made up battlegrounds hiding from soldiers that it influenced my perception of the school-yard. I thought the school was a dangerous battleground and that I could be shot by a stray bullet at any time.

My mom recently reflected that in my early years "I knew every nook and cranny of the school". No duh. I felt like I had to know my environment for the sake of my own survival. I focused so much attention on examining my environment so I'd know exactly where to hide. I needed to know how to sneak into the school for shelter in case a gun fight broke out in the school yard.


I agree that the revelation brought some unwanted things with it. For me it brought a tidal wave of embarrassment but it removed my unrealistic sense of danger instead of making me aware of realistic dangers.

The worst thing about my sudden self-awareness wasn't realizing that the world could be bad and dangerous it was that I could still remember everything I had done prior to the epiphany. I didn't feel any embarrassment when I had no self-awareness but once I had that moment of clarity I felt it all at once. Eight years of inappropriate behaviour and acting like a freak since pre-school all hit me like a ton of bricks....
....I agree that the revelation brought some unwanted things with it. For me it brought a tidal wave of embarrassment but it removed my unrealistic sense of danger instead of making me aware of realistic dangers.


I completely relate to this!
Being more aware of realistic dangers was horrible though, because I hadn't realised how sinister or f****d up people's intentions could be, for example. I always projected my own good intentions, and innocent intentions onto a myriad of social interactions.

And about embarassment, this is happening to me now too. I hate it. I cringe at how naive I was. I cringe at all the silly ways I behaved and just how vulnerable I was. It's upsetting. I often have to reassure msyelf ''X or Y will have forgotten me, they have their own lives, I don't need to be embarrassed about it all the time'' etc.
But it's dreadful. I cannot help but cringe at so much now.
I can't believe how dumb I was in so many ways.

So, I hear ya.

But at least we know now! Let's build on that!

I'm a bloomer. Most of my severe autistic traits didn't moderate a lot by themselves. If left to myself, I doubt that I would have made so much progress. I became HF, because I had good environment, good nurture, good education, lots of adaptation from others to me. And I got taught lots of skills that I hadn't learned on my own. For eggsample, learning communication to respond to people. I didn't have the instincts to respond to people when I was a young child. As I got older, I developed some slowly and unsteadily. After I learned communication eggsplicitly, that was when I really understood the idear, and that was when I started to respond consistently. I also learned language this way, so I started to use language for communication. There was a big before and after contrast, thus the blooming. The point of the blooming is that traits start severe and functioning starts low, but the children make a lot of progress over time, and catch up to the HF children who were far ahead at an early age. For me, it was that I didn't pick up on many things on my own, like HF children did at age two or three or four, but once someone taught me on purpose, I did learn well. The severity of the autism prevented me from picking up on things implicitly, but not from learning the same things eggsplicitly. Usually, the eggsplicit way was different from the way that typical children or HF children learn those things, e.g. language. I consider myself verry merry berry high functioning now.

I even bloomed a bit in adulthood. I figured out how to eggspress my idears in writing, and then my speaking skills got much bester from writing. My use of "egg"' words, phrases like "verry merry berry", and other language idiosyncracies indicate my improve eggspressive language skills. Before, my language was much more scripted and inadequate to eggspress my idears. The things that I said and wrote weren't even makesensical to me.

I was slow in developing. I don't know if I would consider myself a bloomer because I had ear infections and hearing loss so it made me speech delayed. But I needed help with my development growing up and mom worked with me so I can be where I am at now. According to my mother I would have grown up to be autistic if she didn't work with me and if I didn't get any help in my childhood, same as if they kept me in that special ed classroom. I also had to do the work myself. I think I have always been mild and high functioning but my ASD symptoms were worse when I was a kid and it was obvious then I had something wrong with me kids thought I was ret*d or picked me as their target because they knew I was different. Now today people may assume other things rather than thinking I have a disability unless they know what to look for. Some people have noticed my quirks and they have no clue it's due to my AS. I would even think I was a low functioning aspie (social wise) in my childhood and then I got higher functioning as I got older.

Worsening with age......well for me, I'm more aware of it which makes it feel worse but by being aware it actually it creates some scope for improvement. I can stop the monologue easily now for example.

Trouble is as I get older I have less energy and less ability to deal with stress which has led to social avoidance - another thing for me to work on.....

Cuckooflower - I wouldn't worry about copying NT - just try to understand it - NT has strange but fairly simple ways. They have their worries and fears too.

For me - learning that most of the message is not in the words was a big help. I used to be baffled and tried so hard to find meaning in the words and it was never there. That's where being aware of the differences helps - I get it now. Finally.

I am moderate severe.
I got recently evaluated in the ability or self-help and the areas were ability for transportation, nutrition, hygiene, household, living without supervision, avoiding danger, communication and social contact, and employment and these areas were assessed as "impossible without help from third persons, supervision in adapted accomodation, or without fully adapted environment".
Bu I cannot really tell my "progress".
I learnt more use of language and words and gained more knowledge in my development but I do not come from being severely autistic.

I don't get the question.

I always thought you're a bloomer when your severity decreases and your functionality increases.
And that you're regressive when your severity increases and your functionality decreases.

But the poll says:
Increase of severity -> Bloomer
Decrease of severity -> Regressive.
Shouldn't it be the other way round?

Anyways, my social skills where horrible as a child and increased over the years. Today I'm nearly NT and don't consider myself really disabled anymore.

Oops...I was meaning decreasing -> getting worse, increasing -> getting better, but messed but what was around it.