'Tis the season to have meltdowns - falalala lalala la

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Yer, it is actually.

I always find myself lashing out more at Christmas than any other time of the year. It's because we are all out of routine, everyone's off work for too long, (I mean, does anyone really need 2 full weeks off work??! !), and people are just lingering about in the house, leaving doors open which creates a draft, and putting the kettle on which makes an annoying roar, and the telly is just on constantly, and my dad has a temper over Christmas for some reason so it's best not to even look at him overwise you get your head bitten off.

Yet, I don't want to spend Christmas alone either. I just want to spend it with calm people that I get along with, like my mum and my aunties. I don't want no annoying, moody men.

The kids running around doesn't worry me.

What worries me is being uncertain about what time I'll even get to Christmas lunch. And will I stay for the next day for lunch with those who think their lives are more important than spending Christmas lunch with the family.

You see I was going to go up to my brother's place at about 9am with my sister. Well, my sister isn't going anymore because of some ridiculous family drama that I don't even want to get involved in. I just want to give the kids their presents. I spent like $500 on Christmas presents. Fact is, I put a lot of thought into the gifts and just want to see the kids enjoy them.

I don't like change because it just throws me off. No one understands how confused I am about everything now. My birthday is on the 27th too. I just don't know when I'll arrive for Christmas lunch, if I'll stay the next day and do I sleep over on Boxing Day too? What about my birthday? This is what is driving me crazy. I've been under so much stress about something unrelated that I don't even want to care about this. I should just stay with my sister and pretend I give a crap about making a stand with her.

I wanna see my nephews and nieces though.

I wish people would give me a step by step list of everything we are doing between 25-27 dec. With the exact times. The exact meals. I'm just going into major organised mode. It's a coping mechanism.

At least I'll be back on my meds. I want survive without them.

I keep Christmas controlled and calm, by ordering all gifts online so no shopping, and only having husband and our two children (no visitors) in the house. If we want to get together with others we can visit them and choose when to leave. My girls will probably be so absorbed in their presents that they will be quieter than usual too. I've got cooking Christmas lunch down to a not too stressful affair. Turkey crown instead of a whole turkey, packet bread sauce and packet stuffing mix and packet gravy so it's relatively simple. I normally put up the Christmas tree a week before Christmas and take it down on NY day, this year for the childrens' sake I put it all up 10 days before but I think that is my limit. I find this decorations up on the 1st December utterly OTT and unnecessary. The shops do it for obvious reasons but everyone else is falling into the trap. We had charity collectors coming door to door but I couldn't even answer the door because they came in a scary noisy truck with the loudest Christmas songs you can imagine.

Yes! Shopping is apt to make me have a meltdown ANY time of year, but add the additional people in the stores, and annoying music and garish decorations, and it's hopeless. I always seem to get the wrong presents...it's impossible to guess what others might like, and I get distracted and forget at least one thing every trip. Multiple crowded parties, spending time with family who clearly think I'm weird, cold air shocking my system every time I go outside, trying to drive in snow. It all adds up. I'll usually only meltdown once during the season, but I definitely eventually reach a breaking point where I simply cannot do any more, then I fake sick to get a couple days reprieve.

I had a meltdown near Thanksgiving, because Dad was pressuring/guilt tripping ("Why are you here?") me to go to the flea market. This time, he merely tricked me into going, and I've been dealing with psychosomatic symptoms ever since.

I was in Walmart for 30 minutes this morning and I was already having flashbacks of my childhood, being screamed at for having meltdowns. Mind you, that was in the late 70s and early 80s and nobody knew what a meltdown was. I saw a mother carrying her son having a meltdown probably to the car. My mum always threatened to put me in the car and leave me there if I acted autistic.

I apologize. The past two days have been very strenuous on me. I'm expected to spend less time on my computer and more time socializing. I'm already having memories about that week in October, three years ago. I'm holding myself together by a thread.

I rejected my Dad's offer of taking me to Cyprus to see my family for Christmas as last time I went I nearly had a psychotic relapse due to the extreme stress of loud and noisy celebrations.

I tend to notice that more family drama seems to happen in the Winter........

My family is having a Christmas party tomorrow. Here. At MY HOUSE.

*hides in a cave*

YES!! I'm doing my best to avoid a meltdown. Christmas Eve with my family. We all live close to one another but only see each other 1 or 2 times a year. I don't know what kind of family that is. No money because I'm on SSDI so I have to go empty handed. I hate this time of year. So much anxiety and so much worry. I used to look forward to it. I've been coping by immersing myself by playing too much Star Wars The Old Republic. What I really want to do is scream and cry and run for a cave in the woods where no one has set expectations on me to act human. I feel really confused and lost and exhausted. I did the worst thing I could do for this time of year and took on a part time job to make some additional cash through the holidays. It's really making my life a total mess. Every single time I work the rest of my life crumbles because it's all I can do to keep it together to make it through my measly shifts. It's like all energy goes to that and nothing is left. Now I'm back to being agorophobic and I don't want to leave my house for anything. Ugh. Can't we sleep through the rest of the holidays?

I wish you all peace. I've been hiding in my room for the past two hours. I am feeling guilty because my sons are here for a visit, but ... oh, three hours ... I just have to hide out a bit. I best go grab a tea and sit down with them - it sounds like they are settled now - or out. It was so loud a while ago.

Take care - LM

I'm feeling better than I was last night around this time. I also wasn't in Walmart today.

I'm having Christmas day lunch with my dog
Yesterday exercised with a friend, and hubby and I saw my brother, s-i-l ,nephew and niece and brought the kids gifts and sat around eating the christmas ice cream pudding I made.
Last night I cooked a roast dinner and the trimmings, so we have dinner for 2 nights. This morning we opened presents.

My husband is off having lunch with his mum. She is bipolar and borderline and not good to be around. He goes out of a sense of duty more than anything. His sister won't see her at all.

Due to the long drip drip drip of abuse from my mother, and a few major precipitating events which I talked about elsewhere, I am not speaking to my mother, consequently most of my family don't talk to me, at least not at the moment, as all things revolve around her
So I am having a lovely quiet day. Usually I would be worrying about my family's criticism or game of "how can we humiliate opal?" and contending with a room full of 9 adults and 5 screaming kids for 5 or 6 hours. And the family dynamics don't get better with alcohol.

Today it's quiet. If it stops raining I'll take the dog for a walk, but at the moment the only sound is rain on the roof.
You can't always get what you want. Sometimes you get what you need.

Glad you are feeling better Cockney Rebel!

Opal - guess how cold it is where I am? - 6 degrees Farenheit or -22 degree celcius ... the rain on the roof sounds lovely!

I was very close to having one while wrapping presents today.

Hey Logi,
The cool change hit this morning, after being 38-40 most of the week it's now 18, and after taking the dog for a walk, raining again. Walking in drizzle was pleasant. It's now pelting.

I don't think I've experienced near -22, ever.