How do you know if you miss social cues?

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Like most people, generally if someone tells me, or sometimes a lot later than I should.

Growing up, my parents taught me a lot of cues as I missed them (and occasionally still do since I haven't moved out yet). I think they just figure(d) it's a normal part of human/child development. I think it's also part of why I haven't struck a lot of people as Autistic/Aspie.

People avoid me like the plague because I'm hideous, but when I first trained as a line cook, my supervisor would have to tell me directly which social cues I missed. I understood that a person waiting at the counter needs to be greeted and asked whether they're picking up a phoned-in order or making a new order, but stuff like the hygiene auditor coming through had to be explained so that I would not accidentally disrespect the inspection staff. Respecting inspectors was an important goal because they could make up some fake violation if they felt ticked off.

I tend to suspect that I missed something when someone's reaction is different than I expected, or than would make sense.

But I guess that that is picking up on social cues in it's own way.

I'll also ask people who know me well to describe my behaviour back to me so that I can see what I might look like to someone else after a social engagement, especially if it involves multiple people. My close friends tend to be kindly honest to a bit blunt, so if I ask them, they usually give me stuff I can work with. If they tell me I did fine, I know that I at least I didn't trample anyone emotionally/socially. And for the most part, I trust them that I actually was competent.

I make lots and lots of rules for social situations. I've never written them all down. I might start that as a journaling project. Such as "Make eye contact." My favorite is to mimic the facial expression, vocal inflections etc of the person I'm talking to. I don't feel completely honest when I do this, but it lubricates the social experience.

Group conversations are HARD. I don't have rules for those... yet.

Several ways,

You might get a bad reaction from someone. If it seems like it came out of no where, you probably missed a cue. Yeah you can always try ask them although the person might get annoyed at you if they have to explain...it depends.

Another way, if you know someone that was also in the social situation (that you can trust), you can ask them questions about what happened afterwards. Thats always helpful to clear up some misunderstandings and in those fortunate situations where I did know someone I could go to, it helped me stay out of hot water.

And for me, sometimes reflecting on things can help catch things that were previously missed. But sometimes that can be bad for me, because normally I just go paranoid and think I messed up with everything.

I only find out when an NT points it out to me that I missed it.

You don't know until everything goes horribly wrong and you spend two months thinking about everything that led up to it.

NT's do point stuff out about me, but never that I missed a social cue. Like today, I rolled out of bed into the shower and showed up to class late in a daze and put a shirt on backwards, which was noted loudly.

People used to tell me I socially screwed up; this has not happened for awhile, but I'm in a completely different environment, so that might factor in. But I don't ever recall being told that I missed a social cue. Never. The things people describe on this thread--except for the interruption, which I attribute more to an attention deficit--really don't happen.

So I'm either really good or really bad. How do I know which?

There are social cues which tell you.

You might get a sarcastic remark which doesn't address your point, like "thank you" or "okay then". They might snap at you, or sigh loudly, or roll their eyes. They might laugh nervously or sarcastically. There might be an awkward pause, which might be ended when someone says "anyway...". The person may suddenly be very blunt with you.

And of course, sometimes you won't know. This is particularly the case when someone is making you an offer, I find.

I'd have to agree with those who mentioned someone else getting angry, snapping, or awkwardly staring at them. That's how I can usually tell. Otherwise, I'm clueless and nobody says anything to me about it.

When you get the cold shoulder.

People tell you

People treat you different

People get mad at you for no reason

You probably can't at the time. Though you can figure out things later on, like what people really meant; it's just not instinctual.

Well if you're a guy talking to another guy, the social expectations seem to be more relaxed. From my experience, guys are way more easy going after they leave high school. So if you're decent at copying NT social expectations, they might not say anything and just shrug it off as no big deal. Being a girl and trying to interact with other girls can be a nightmare, because girls always seem to have their claws out. I feel like I can't be perfect enough no matter how nice I am. I notice I missed something when a girl stops being nice to me and then corrals other girls to create a united front against me. Sooooooo...what the hk did I miss....? Or there is a shift in the conversation and I'm thinking to myself....what did I miss...? What did I say that was wrong...? Its always after the fact and it usually is not clear at all what I did that was wrong.

I guess it's possible one doesn't realise at the time of interaction but notice later afterwards, given time to think about it. During the interaction things might be happening too fast to read all the signals.

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What's the difference between missing social cues and simply having the wrong energy in social situations? Are they the same thing? I don't see much evidence of the former, but I see plenty of the latter. My energy clashes with that of most other people, and I'm quite aware of it. Is this the same thing as missing social cues, maybe?