When people start to dislike you, is it gradual or sudden?

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thegreataturn
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04 May 2013, 8:25 pm

I have never really been too sure if people like me or not . Only when things seem to turn to hate do I take note and then it's too late .
I have found people tend to just hate me a lot for one reason or another .

I would ad that I think I notice the hate more than anything because it is so alien and outside of my range of feelings that it stands out so much . Never been able to a hate person . I guess that may be why I am so fascinated by serious crime, how someone could hate someone
to such an extent as to kill them baffles me to such an extent that it stimulates my curiosity .It's not just hate fuelled crimes ether , any sort of crime . I just love crime fiction , Sherlock Holmes a big time fave . How can anyone not love him , He is like a Victorian Spock , logical and unemotional on the outside with a vortex of emotional conflict on the inside .



nessa238
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04 May 2013, 9:20 pm

It's usually immediate lol

A lot of people dislike me on sight so that eliminates a lot of people I don't have to even try to impress with what I say lol

A lot of people are neutral/lukewarm towards me

A few like me straight off but they are in a minority

I have made connections with people where I've known it can't possibly develop as it's an NT type connection and I know for a fact I won't be able to maintain that type of interaction beyond a one-off conversation as I haven't sufficient material or inclination to keep conversations of that type going - it's far too much like hard work as I have to pretend I'm something I'm not eg living a typical lifestyle just like the other person

People are far more likely to not take to me initially and like me more as they get to know me than go off me, as the ones who really don't like me usually don't even want to interact with me in the first place

I am impressive from the inside out rather than outside in so it takes people longer to appreciate me but it can be longer lasting than for people who impress with just image and I don't have to make sure my hair looks perfect for these people as it's what I'm saying that counts more than how I look



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04 May 2013, 9:26 pm

I've just noticed that someone I encounter on a regular basis suddenly has started to go out of their way to ignore me, so I interpret that as a sudden dislike.

The ignoring just seems more profound lately, not as if we ever talked before.


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revolutionarygirl
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04 May 2013, 9:39 pm

People generally are quite cordial at first but after they realize I am different they begin to ignore me. Some people really don't like me and try to make my life miserable (this one guy in particular). A very small minority like me right away and are very impressed by me (usually women in their 30s and 40s--I generally have older friends). But the majority of people just pretend I don't exist.



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04 May 2013, 10:18 pm

A lot of times when a new group gets together, it seems as if I am really socially skilled and well-connected, because I'm the only one in the group who doesn't care if he gets rejected. I introduce myself to people when I want to, and if it's in a classroom setting I raise my hand whenever I have a question. So it almost seems like I'm a leader for a little while. But after a couple weeks the people nearly always form bonds all around me without me and eventually I become a nobody. This happens over and over again every semester in every class, so I've been anticipating it whenever it happens for a while now. I think it is very strange that NT are so afraid of being rejected, because obviously they have a lot less to fear from it than I do. I think if they had any self-control over their instincts then a lot of them would be a lot more socially connected than they are, because obviously they make friends without even having to try, but they don't try because they are scared.



revolutionarygirl
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04 May 2013, 10:30 pm

ShamelessGit wrote:
A lot of times when a new group gets together, it seems as if I am really socially skilled and well-connected, because I'm the only one in the group who doesn't care if he gets rejected. I introduce myself to people when I want to, and if it's in a classroom setting I raise my hand whenever I have a question. So it almost seems like I'm a leader for a little while. But after a couple weeks the people nearly always form bonds all around me without me and eventually I become a nobody. This happens over and over again every semester in every class, so I've been anticipating it whenever it happens for a while now. I think it is very strange that NT are so afraid of being rejected, because obviously they have a lot less to fear from it than I do. I think if they had any self-control over their instincts then a lot of them would be a lot more socially connected than they are, because obviously they make friends without even having to try, but they don't try because they are scared.


I know what you mean. I've never understood how NTs can make friends so quickly and effortlessly with all their social rules. My first few years of college were so hard on me because I had noticed people making friends all around and I was getting left behind. I tried to be as friendly as possible but they would build their own social connections, excluding me. It was hurtful at the time, but now I'm glad I wasn't part of their group. I met a lot of great profs who loved me and the friends I eventually made I still talk to.



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05 May 2013, 12:33 am

ShamelessGit, a game always seems a lot easier when you don't have any idea how to play it. It's not just rejection they're trying to avoid. The social game is so complex and there are so many things to be cautious about apart from rejection, the time they take is essential and not long at all. Things you don't have any idea of are going on without words there.


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05 May 2013, 12:43 am

It's always immediate for me - I figure I can mimic NT behaviour but as it's not natural I don't get it perfect, and some people respond negatively to this - people have an instant dislike to me, I never know why and nor do others (often I don't realise this until someone points it out to me or until they start getting particularly nasty towards me), but it can get quite aggressive.

I figure with some of us on the spectrum it's like that, for others our 'unusual' behaviour (not just the weird stuff but social awkwardness, not syncing up with NT's) doesn't appear to others or become an issue with others until further down the line.


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05 May 2013, 1:49 am

revolutionarygirl wrote:
But the majority of people just pretend I don't exist.


I've never actualy thought about this question before, but this description is most appropriate.

To throw some random statistics about, I'd say of myself;
5% like me instantly and we get along great.
10% like me well enough to be friendly with each other.
80% I'm invisible.
5% are instantly hostile.

I like most people. I especialy like the girls, I find them fascinating and beutiful.
I'd say there are only a very few where I instatly dislike someone. But when i do, I can't stand to be in their company.



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05 May 2013, 10:27 am

Bloodheart wrote:
It's always immediate for me - I figure I can mimic NT behaviour but as it's not natural I don't get it perfect, and some people respond negatively to this - people have an instant dislike to me, I never know why and nor do others (often I don't realise this until someone points it out to me or until they start getting particularly nasty towards me), but it can get quite aggressive.

I figure with some of us on the spectrum it's like that, for others our 'unusual' behaviour (not just the weird stuff but social awkwardness, not syncing up with NT's) doesn't appear to others or become an issue with others until further down the line.


Imagine a verbal conversation like this (Assume Dave is the Aspie here).

Jim is having a party over at Mulligan’s for Jill’s birthday.
Megan wants to come over to the party.
<non-verbal portion>
Dave, don’t make a big deal, but let everyone know about the party.

*******

Now, assume this is the entire conversation

Jim is having a party over at Mulligan’s for Jill’s birthday.
Megan wants to come over to the party.
<Non Verbal: But we can’t stand Megan, leave her out>.
Dave, don’t make a big deal, but let everyone know about the party.

Some might argue this example is unrealistic. Even if it is unrealistic, how much non-verbal communication does one have to miss before it becomes an issue?


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05 May 2013, 10:33 am

AgentPalpatine wrote:
Bloodheart wrote:
It's always immediate for me - I figure I can mimic NT behaviour but as it's not natural I don't get it perfect, and some people respond negatively to this - people have an instant dislike to me, I never know why and nor do others (often I don't realise this until someone points it out to me or until they start getting particularly nasty towards me), but it can get quite aggressive.

I figure with some of us on the spectrum it's like that, for others our 'unusual' behaviour (not just the weird stuff but social awkwardness, not syncing up with NT's) doesn't appear to others or become an issue with others until further down the line.


Imagine a verbal conversation like this (Assume Dave is the Aspie here).

Jim is having a party over at Mulligan’s for Jill’s birthday.
Megan wants to come over to the party.
<non-verbal portion>
Dave, don’t make a big deal, but let everyone know about the party.

*******

Now, assume this is the entire conversation

Jim is having a party over at Mulligan’s for Jill’s birthday.
Megan wants to come over to the party.
<Non Verbal: But we can’t stand Megan, leave her out>.
Dave, don’t make a big deal, but let everyone know about the party.

Some might argue this example is unrealistic. Even if it is unrealistic, how much non-verbal communication does one have to miss before it becomes an issue?


I don't understand what you've said at all

"Dave, don’t make a big deal, but let everyone know about the party."

Is the above dialogue and if so who said it and if to Dave, who is Dave?

Who is making the non-verbal implication they don't want Megan to come to the party and how are they expressing this non-verbally and who to?

if you want to detail a conversation you do it like this:-

Jim: (and then you type in here exactly what Jim said)

Megan: (type in what Megan said)



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05 May 2013, 10:37 am

both



TheSperg
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05 May 2013, 12:21 pm

Bloodheart wrote:
It's always immediate for me - I figure I can mimic NT behaviour but as it's not natural I don't get it perfect, and some people respond negatively to this - people have an instant dislike to me, I never know why and nor do others (often I don't realise this until someone points it out to me or until they start getting particularly nasty towards me), but it can get quite aggressive.

I figure with some of us on the spectrum it's like that, for others our 'unusual' behaviour (not just the weird stuff but social awkwardness, not syncing up with NT's) doesn't appear to others or become an issue with others until further down the line.


I can remember before I ever knew I was autistic/AS(I knew I was not normal) that most people bought my normal act, a few people however instantly seemed to see through it and get very angry at me for no real reason.



WestBender84
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19 May 2013, 7:53 pm

redrobin62 wrote:
I guess, with me, it's been gradual. People usually like me in the beginning, but over time, they become my judge. Family members, too. Thinking about all this Asperger's stuff now, I'm surprised I was in a band for 2 and a half years. My focus was always on the music and not on the socializing aspect, so maybe that's why. Eventually, thought, it went to sh**.


Yes, it is quite impressive you maintained a position in a band without NT social skills. How did you deal with the noise? Did you wear earplugs?


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19 May 2013, 8:03 pm

I don't really care about the fact that people dislike me to be totally honest because the feeling is always almost mutual to say the least. It is a waste of precious time and energy to brood about people who dislike you. The question you should ask yourself first is if you like that person or not before you start thinking and speculating about what that particular person makes of you.



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20 May 2013, 12:04 am

The paradox is that, if they liked you, you'd like them a lot better, mainly because they'd be totally different towards you.


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