Abusers denying abuse?

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I'm sorry you went through that Fnord. It's awful. And anyone else who has been abused.

When I was brought up physical punishment was commonplace. Teachers were allowed to use the cane, slipper or ruler, the local dentist hit children who cried and the vicar who visited my school used to throw the board duster at children. Therefore I never really questioned being hit by my father over and over without understanding why. Years later, I understood the difference between abuse, being when the abuser loses their temper and hits out unreasonably, and physical punishment. Not that think physical punishment is OK but in my childhood it was not questioned.
However, many years later, I asked my mother why my father used to hit me like he did and her reply was the above. I realised that she would never understand it was wrong and I let the matter lie although it really upset me to be told that. When I realised that I had AS, I looked things differently. I thought I must have been such an annoying child, my father really disliked me and lost his temper. Yes, I know it wasn't my fault and if only he could have understood maybe he could have restrained himself.

Exactly. And they very very very rarely change.

Very true. Most abusers are not sociopaths. They are impulsive and can't control their anger, and then decide not to do anything about it the first time their anger hurts someone, and keep on deciding not to do anything about it until they terrorize their families. Or they are immature, and don't have the wisdom to be parents. Or they don't think far enough ahead, they want something for themselves and then end up depriving their families because they couldn't manage their income... common with alcohol/drug/gambling problems. Some parents just don't want to be parents, and instead of doing the rational thing and putting the kids up for adoption they try to pretend they aren't, neglecting their children physically and emotionally.

Emotional instability, addiction, etc. are not guarantees that a parent will become abusive. The critical factor is how they react to those things. Do they go, "I have a problem that could hurt my children; I am going to take steps to ensure it does not"? Or do they ignore it, pretend there is no problem, blame others, perhaps even blame the children? Some parents actually justify it to themselves by claiming that the children deserved it, that no one could be expected to treat such horrible children nicely. They believe it, truly, and the children may come to believe it too. No child grows up without doing some small thing wrong... blaming yourself is almost easier, because it implies that you have control over the situation when, usually, you don't.

I think they do, yes.

I think a poor/abuseive upbringing combinded with a very very minor mental issue(like bipolar or a personally disorder) with the denial of either or both can lead to a very abusive person. I can relate to the OP, I have met meny like this over the years and adding personal distance between you and them is usually the only way to fix the issue. A problem can't be fixed if the person can't admit to having it in the first place.

I think if they have the integrity to even ask that, then they won't get to the point of abuse in the first place, and admit when their reactions and treatment are going too far.

Sadly even aspies can be abusers too because of their condition. I have read horror stories about being raised by aspies and all their parents sounded abusive and neglectful. I wish positive ones would be posted too but lot of people don't post when something is positive because people post to mostly rant, not talk about how great their aspie parent was and everything. It seems to be taboo to talk about good experiences or else "you're bragging. No one will post "My aspie parent" and talk about what a great parent they were and the normal parenting things they did. Instead it will always be negative and they talk about what a crappy parent they were and how they emotionally abused them and neglected them and didn't care about them and their school and stuff and never showing up to their things.

But yet I don't like saying someone was an abuser because of their AS or it implies AS causes people to be child abusers and they are unable to be good parents.

it's normal among family members , to think like that.
i have that too with my brother who kicked the s**t out of me for years for no reason , even at the age of 20 iv'e still gotten a beating.
now he is doing like everything is fine , and stuff like that never happened.

Abusers whether family, service providers, teachers, employers and so called 'peers' will try to get away with the abuse with abuse with the past is the past bollocks because allistic people think that brutalising autistic people is a basic human right so even my mum still says don't keep going on about the past because she feels she had the right to label me as having brain damage till 2003. My siblings would be same and reminisces at the early 1970s when autism wasn't known and doctors were all too happy to diagnose with a neurological slur (a form of applied racism)

Yes.

Just as paedophiles, assassins, rapists, jihadists, and people engaged in incestuous relationships will do, child abusers (especially parents) try to justify their activities with excuses like "They were asking for it", "They deserved it", "They made it all up", or "They just want attention".

It's called "Blaming the victim", and it occurs when the perpetrators can not deny that the assaults and abuses happened.

Ask any convicted felon - nothing they ever did was ever their fault.

There is no excuse for child abuse!

Abusers make up excuses for their actions because they know they have been abusive and that it's their own fault, and don't want to have to take responsibility for what they do so they say that it's the victim's fault to let themselves off the hook.

In my own experience, and from much reading of psychological science, yes. It is not at all uncommon. Sometimes, maybe even often, they even believe it.

Compulsively lying in defense of their own actions (and having the charisma to pull it off), is actually a well known facet of being a sociopath (or a politician).

It's really about time the fields of psychiatry/psychology recognised that other disorders are part of a spectrum too, because I'm sure there are plenty of people in the world, who while they might not warrant a diganosis of being a full blown sociopath, do at least tick many of the boxes for something like Antisocial Personality Disorder.

Of course they will deny it!! More to the point OP your mother knows you are autistic yet claims you were a 'bad child'? She still doesn't get it ! ! So little understanding, even within families.

I have a young son on the spectrum and know full well how the bad behaviours can drive you to despair and really wear you down as a parent. However knowing a lot of the bad behaviour results from his autism allows me to focus on helping him rather than just writing him off as a bad kid and punishing him. HFAs these days are lucky that there is a lot more awareness, not like in our day when there was NONE. There is still a looooong way to go though...

It seems very common and lot of them feel very justified in it and they feel the child was just unruly and evil and out of control so they needed abuse to be in line. Also some of them also seem to forget all the abuse they have done. Do they really forget or are they just pretending to forget? I still have yet to hear about one apologizing to their victim and say how wrong they were instead of blaming it on the child or justifying it or pretending it never happened.

People who do it unintentionally won't deny it but they sure do get defensive if you bring it up. My guess is because they feel bad about it so they don't want to be reminded about it and there you are pushing it on them and they don't like to be made to feel guilty so they get defensive even if you are doing it for closure. They even refuse to talk about it and act like you are holding a grudge or something. I think this is common for parenting mistakes.