I lied...

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Feel this way

I don't know whether I hate being a probable aspie (still in diagnostic assessment phase).
When I look at other people I would like to know what it would be like to be them, but on the other hand I don't like the way that a lot of NT's are. They mostly react & make decisions based on their emotions instead of logic.
It's difficult to compare. Having ASD is like being 'on the outside looking in'. In some ways that gives us an advantage, but it also means that we don't 'fit in'. Well........... we do fit in, but with other people on the autistic spectrum.

I guess I'm deluding myself, then. Not that I like everyting about having ASD (formally diagnosed as AS at age 30). I have a host of psych comorbids that I'm struggling with to this day, likely caused by all the crap I got from various directions especially in my teens, and also some executive dysfunction that makes it very difficult for me to keep house and other things. I still like having a different perspective, and my talent in verbal areas especially. I don't like my low processing speed (in the low 70s IQ-wise according to the WAIS test that was part of my assessment) that makes face-to-face conversation difficult when there are more than about two other people involved, or my sensory issues, but eh. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, autistic or not.

A transhumanist would probably not settle for "trading" talents. Just eradicating or at least "treating" the negatives. I know I wouldn't trade my most valuable part of my brain away for the sake of socialising better.

The best tool we have for mental modification at the moment is rationality- and I'm not talking about making individual decisions that seem rational, I mean actually studying it and practicing it like any other science or art. It definitely produces results. CBT is actually built on a lot of basic rationality principles.

Of course not, were such a thing possible. I was just expressing uncertainty about whether it is feasible without trade-offs. It probably is with sufficient technology, indistinguishable from magic and all that.

In the meantime... we have rationality

Probably not all Aspies and Autistics mean that, but I think a lot do. They try to make Asperger's sound ''not so bad'' by saying things like ''I can pay attention to detail'' and ''I can hear noises other people can't''. I've never known what people meant by attention to detail, but I cannot hear noises other people can't. I just get more agitated at noises what other people hear but can ignore.

honestly i literally cannot imagine being any other way.

i think having come to acceptance of how i am, and made a conscious effort to discover what i like about myself, long before i had a clue i was AS, has helped me detach from AS as some disadvantage i have to deal with per say (because i've already dealt with the fallout) and see it more as an organizing principal to help me understand my own needs and live better.

i mean truly, i can neither imagine being any other way, nor when i see "others" (NTs) do i desire to be them in any way shape or form. i think of what it would cost me to become one of them, and i think, NO. do not want. so clearly there are things i really value about myself, i would not give up for anything, and i'm glad i've come to that place.

i won't say i have a ton of it, but nothing feels better than self-esteem.

Everything Willard said in this post is bang on the money.

Also, people who are ok with their autism have learned to live with it and accepted its influence in their lives. That doesn't mean the same as blaming it for everything that goes wrong in their lives. It's a difficult thing to realise but everyone in the world has problems and challenges they face, not just people on the spectrum. I know it's even harder for a portion of ASD people who aren't able to perceive other people's views and feelings, but it doesn't make it any less true.

I have done a lot more things with my life since I got a diagnosis, because I knew why I was different so could accept it and work out how I wanted to handle it. Doesn't mean it always goes well. Doesn't mean I never cry. Doesn't mean I don't go through hell when I begin a new job, or get lost in familiar locations or have occasional awkward silences or misunderstandings with friends. But I want a job. I want friends. I want to travel. SO I DO IT. There are always things I would change about myself but that is true of every person I have ever met, irrespective of who they are or what their background is. So I see that as "normal", not as a part of my ASD.

If you want to feel your autism is a curse, that's your choice. But it doesn't mean that all of us have that view. Some of us intend to live our lives to the full as best we can, ups and downs. There are people in the world with much worse hardships to bear. People living in wartorn nations, people starving, people closer to home living in abject poverty or abuse, or people whose disabilities are far, far more invasive into every day life.

I think in general having ASD - at least, higher functioning ASD - is pretty lucky compared with other options.

And I am being 100% honest. That is truly how I feel.

I wonder, reading Opi's post, whether accepting it is easier or harder if you have a late diagnosis? I was diagnosed when I was about 23 I think, and so I went through all my formative years without any kind of support or knowing anything about it. I always knew I was different and a lot of things were frustrating but I didn't have the ASD label to hide behind so I just had to get on with it. Now, as an adult, I understand why I'm how I am but I think like Opi I took enough from the time before I was to not feel like it's a curse on my life. More, it was an answer to a question that had always been there and knowing that answer made me realise I wasn't failing in my life but hugely achieving in all kinds of ways.

I have heard of lots of people, though, who, diagnosed as children, have been told "its not your fault, it's your autism" when something happens. Sometimes that's true, but sometimes it is the person's fault and IMO it's a bad thing if you start creating in a child's mind young that the ASD is something bad that's making them do bad things - you don't learn how to do things better if you're always preoccupied with the ASD as the proverbial monkey on your back.

It's affected me my entire life, but especially so the last few years when symptoms got really bad.

ADHD/OCD/Tourettes/Dyspraxia/Autism/Depression/Anxiety/Executive Functioning Disorder & what some have described as Bipolar traits.

But 4 or so months ago I learned what's caused all of these things in me and have been treating it aggressively with miraculous success. I've reduced symptoms by well over 95% and am finally getting back to work and life, making a fresh start - it's like getting to live another life entirely. I'm 31 years old, so have plenty of time to accomplish a lot of life goals & have a lot of fun in life yet.

I'm hoping that what I'm doing results in permanently healing & curing all of this. It should take another handful of months or so to complete. I have yet to share with the group because I want to prove it works completely first for myself. So far so good.

But yeah, I too have hated my AS traits screwing me over & have answered the age old question of whether I'd cure myself if I could.. the answer is yes, I would - and I am.

All in due time I'll share everything I've learned and am doing for myself. As I've said in other threads, I don't expect you to believe me & in fact hope you don't and instead opt to try it for yourself and see if it works for you and changes your life for the better to the immense magnitude it is for me. So, don't worry sooooooo much about AS screwing you over forever.. as this treatment should help at least 70% of us based on stats I've read. It may help more. But my point is.. like that homo youtube series, it gets better.

I was diagnosed at the end of August in my middle 50's. I am still awaiting for my official report. Like I said it explained a lot. But it was more then that it was finding my identity. I am Aspie like I am a lefty, American, New Yorker, Jewish etc. Aspie is probably more a part of my identity then those others.

As of now this is not something I can change. If a "cure" is invented would I take it?. Don't know and don't care. I will worry about if the day ever comes.

How would I have reacted if the world knew what this was and I was diagnosed at a younger age?. I find the question interesting. In my teens I don't know as there would have maturity issues. In my 20's and 30's I was comfortable in my skin doing well so it probably would not have made a difference or have been a negative. I am pretty sure I would have flatly refused to find out. In my 40's as my life started to slide it probably would have benefited me if I would have accepted it which would have been doubtful. Even 5 years with the problems mounting I might have flatly refused. Interesting question but ultimately unknowable so no need to obsesses over it.

knowing i am autistic means i no longer have to feel like a failure for not fitting NT norms.

it means it's not that i'm not trying hard enough, it's that i can't expect to get the same results.

it doesn't mean i can't have a good life.

quality of life is an interior job.

it means i have to accept that my " good life" is not going to look like the stereotypical good life, the life i was trained to expect and want (by NTs).

but based on what i've observed in the general population, this is true of EVERYONE. Life is nothing like we expect, and virtually everyone has to cope with harsh realities that undermine their expectations and desires.

it means i have an opportunity to invent my own path, to be an explorer, a pioneer. freeing myself of expectations, i free myself to invent, discover, reconfigure.

i can either approach it as an unwanted burden, or an adventure.

having gone through what grieving i've had to do, the self-questioning and self-assessment, the adjustment of goals already (or at least the lion's share), and since one of my "obsessions" as a kid was pretending to be a pioneer, an explorer, an adventurer, whether it was in the back woods or the universe, i choose (grateful to have a choice) to embrace the idea of being an explorer, even if the adventure is an inner journey.

by taking my life in hand, i gain the opportunity to learn and teach others, or at least set an example, which is priceless.

to me it's not the goals we achieve, or the things we win or earn, or the roles we fill that make life meaningful and satisfying. it's the simple act of becoming all i can be, and affecting if possible one other life in a vital, constructive, possibly even healing way.

i've had the immense satisfaction of knowing i have influenced other lives, broadened horizons, elicited original thought, given hope, in several arenas. i know it because i've been told so and i've seen the results. i know my presence on this earth has made at least one person at least a little bit happier and more full of what i perceive as life. this is the only time i've felt truly connected to another human being. i couldn't have figured it out logically, but i know what i experienced. i had to find out by doing, and letting go of the results. it was real enough to me to make a difference in my life, to improve my quality of life. there is simply no other experience i can compare it to. it is wonderful.

meaning comes from context, and context comes from relationships - the relationship between information, not just data itself. data is data; meaning runs deeper.

if life seems meaningless or pointless, i think we have to find ways to connect. i do it through giving. i personally believe this is the core of all connection; giving and receiving and giving back. i never felt connected to another human being until i learned to give. i never felt hope, happiness, or a sense of purpose or future until i learned to give. i never felt connected to myself, until i learned to care for myself. not the other way around. that was the biggest error in perception i ever had. There is no question in mind, that giving literally changed my brain.

there is more to reality than what we can perceive with our senses and our intellectual mind. if nothing else, logic dictates that just because those are the instruments by which we are able to measure the world, that doesn't mean the universe is limited to those measurements. in the same way, just because we perceive our experiences in certain ways, doesn't mean our lives are limited to those experiences.

look at some of our members who are non-verbal who were judged as being less competent than they are because noone could observe their interior lives - until they were given a keyboard. and how did gaining the ability to communicate change their experience of life? did it expand their horizons, their powers? i cannot imagine, and that is but a simple tool.

okay enough out of me
/pontificate off

I can't stand it either. Although I'm at a lesser degree...Having Aspergers inhibited me from enjoying life like so many people seem to do...

And yes, I had been bullied because of it.